Second guessing and doubting myself

mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
in Single Mothers by Choice
How do you stop doubting yourself? The last couple of days, I have been thinking all day and even dreaming about it at night. Can I do this. All of a sudden these fears are creeping up on me. Just 4 questions always come into my mind.

1. Can I do this by myself?
2. Will I be a good mom?
3. What if I fail at the most important role that I'll ever have?
4. What if I fail at being a mom?

How do you know? My heart is screaming. You can do this! I've been wanting this for so long. But my head is screaming STOP!! Do I listen to my head or my heart? Help!!!
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Comments

  • nbound72nbound72 Posts: 153
    I think even married couple scream these same questions. I'm doing this as a single mom and definitely have my doubts but I think they are normal. If you ever wanted to exchange numbers I would be happy to. Sometimes chatting on the phone is helpful.
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Thanks. I would love to be able to email you. I have so many questions and fears. I do talk with my mom about all of this but she can only help so much. I would love to be able to talk to someone going through the same question and fears I am going through. my email is
    wannabeamommy87@yahoo.com please email me.
  • nrileynriley Posts: 123
    I definitely share your worries mommy87. I'm scared to death but I still want to go through with it. I'm in my TWW right now. Last night I was reading this book called knock yourself up by Louise Sloan. It's more personal experiences than fact but I've found it really encouraging. I try to remember that people have kids all the time without thinking about it and they're fine. There are lots of other women in this boat who are encouraging, so try to stay positive and focus on how much love you have to give a child and how badly you want it. I get more excited and scared every day!
  • tnctnc Posts: 85
    I have worried and prayed about it for two years with the same thoughts that you have shared. I think that being a parent is a scary thing, if you take the job seriously. On the other hand, it the most rewarding and all consuming gift and joy. We all make mistakes whether married or single when it comes to raising children. What the child will want and need from you most is your love and time and you have a lot of that. Take deep breaths and know that you are not alone. We are all in the same boat waiting for our child: a little scared, excited, hopeful, anxious, and filled with love.
  • teachertracysteachertracys Posts: 43
    hi mommy87-
    i worry too- probably think and overanalyze too much about this. you will be a great mom! just the fact that we want to do this, let alone as a single mother by choice demonstrates your love, concern, compassion, and support for this baby before (s)he is here. my worry is providing for the baby- financially. we all want better for our kids than we had ourselves and if you just keep in mind- and keep telling yourself (which i need to do)you are ahead of the game. i am a teacher and see kids who don't have what we can give them from 2 parents, maybe more (stepparents). it will all work out! don't give up- hang in there.

    if you want to talk, i would be happy too also. i've been looking for someone to talk to and it's hard to find. i'm 38 (saturday i'll be 39) and am in my second TWW. i'm in ohio.
  • nbound72nbound72 Posts: 153
    Hi teachertracys -

    I feel like the message boards are a wonderful tool but sometimes it would be great to connect with people the "old-fashioned" way. I'm 37 will be 38 in Nov. and going through this as a single soon to be mom too. Please let me know if you or anyone else who reads these discussions want to create a phone list for when we are really needing to chat or text.

    I'm a teacher also. Going back next week. Can't believe summer vacation is coming to an end but it means my IVF is closer. I think early Sept.

    For those interested my cell is (954)675-1936

    Susan
  • KarenRKarenR Posts: 105
    I'm a teacher too and also 38! Funny. :-)
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Thank you all for the support. I feel I'm just to critical on myself. I want to do the best job I can do.I also think everyone has these fears. Even if I was married. We all make mistakes and then we learn from them and that makes us stronger. I would love to be able to talk with some people. Well I'm not much of talker on the phone but I love to Text! ;) my cell is (815)708-2868 feel free to text me! If I don't respond right away, I'm probably at work. I took on extra hours at work for a little extra income. Every bit helps.
  • lenaannelenaanne Posts: 1
    What does TWW mean?
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Hi lenaanne,
    It means two week wait. Which is the time after being inseminated and the time you can take a pregnancy test.
  • teachertracysteachertracys Posts: 43
    hi mommy87-
    i tried to email you and it was returned undeliverable. is the email address you have listed above still active? i would like to email you and chat :)
    tracy
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Hi teachertracys! My email is wannabeamommy87@yahoo.com It should work. :)
  • msdizzydoloresmsdizzydolores Posts: 26
    Oh I'm so glad I came back to this.
    I had my donor chosen and I backed out last year...now I'm back because I'm 38 and I can't wait anymore.

    I would love to be added to this list:
    msdizzydolores@ymail.com
  • nbound72nbound72 Posts: 153
    Welcome back!
  • msdizzydoloresmsdizzydolores Posts: 26
    Thank you. Anything I need to do now?
    I'm trying not to talk myself out of this again.
    Didn't think Aunt Flo was coming and I got scared...she's trying to peek through today YIPEE!
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    Hello again sweetie, I was exactly where you are now last summer wanting this but being so scared. It may just take you a little while to believe in you and that you Will be a good mom. You seem like a terrific person, and it would be weird if you weren't worried becoming a mom is the biggest thing you will ever do. I h ave reached the pint where I am completely ready, Igot there when my first IUI ended as a chemical pregnancy in march. That was the moment I realized just how much this meant to me, how important it was, and that the rest didn't matter. I'm very much a perfectionist too, which I'm learning I totally have to let go of. Had my 2nd IUI in july, didn't work, will be waiting til December for #3. Anyone that goes thru this process without every having any doubts or questions must be made of steel lol oh and it's very rare to actually fail @ motherhood, and you wont, because you obviously care alot about this and your future child. If you ever want to talk on the phone or text send me an email @ roseart2@hotmail.com btw if it wasn't for this board and knowing I'm not alone, there were times I would have given up. Listen to your heart that is what will tell you what you really want. Believe n you. Maybe the CCB facebook group could create a phone list, I think Kimberly runs it. take care and keep in touch nicole e
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Hi 2beamom! Thanks for that! I think I have calmed down a little. I realize that every woman doesn't know how to be a mom right away. It happens when you have the baby and while your child grows. You make mistakes and then you learn from them. I still have some concerns because I am going in alone. I wish I had a single moms support group around me so I would have a place to go to. I'm lucky I have this board though. I know I want a child more than anything and I hope it happens soon. I found the perfect donor. I just hope he stays around long enough for me to use him. Feel free to email me any time. I would love to hear from you. my email is wannabeamommy87@yahoo.com
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    Hi girl! Glad you are feeling better! You actually just gave some really great advice there. funny how we all help each other. Please know that I have learned the hard way that vials sell out fast, so If you have your heart set on a specific donor order as soon as possible. You wouldn't have to insminate right away, your doc or ccb could hold it for you, my clinic held mine for free. I do need to find out if there is a SMBC group in my area, haven't looked yet. take care will email you soon :)
  • smiliesmilie Posts: 57
    Hi everyone,

    I just wanted to say hello to all of you. I've been reading through your string of posts and it's felt great seeing other women with exactly the same doubts as me. I'm 38 and can hardly believe I'm going down this path to motherhood. I've finished all my initial testing at the RE and I'm ready to go, whenever I'm ready. I waited awhile on purchasing vials only to find my donor had sold out -- I recently purchased from another one though (who ironically, had been my first choice but bumped to second at the beginning -- guess he was always the one meant for me to use).

    Anyways, I've found myself in this weird (or maybe not so much) place of all of a sudden really doubting this decision, doubting myself, etc, etc. Obviouly nothing different than I'm sure others have felt this close to the start line.

    I would love to keep in touch with you guys.
  • teachertracysteachertracys Posts: 43
    hi smilie-
    i'm curious- what has now made you ready? why did you wait? i'm wondering now if my doubt is really regret although i've never doubted b/c i know i can do it. i just finished my 2nd unmedicated IUI w/a BFN :( i am only going to try one more time- that's all i can afford. when i get in my sad moment, i don't feel doubt but regret- why did i wait so long? b/c now my reality may be that i may not be a mom.i just don't have the $ and i'm not going into debt esp if i have nothing to show for it. just curious as to your reasons if you wanted to share.
  • trini778trini778 Posts: 18
    Hello Everyone,
    I have been reading the posts and I agree I have wanted to be a mommy forever and now I'm so nervous.I'm singl will have my mom to talk to but you need other women you can relate to. So I would love to keep in touch with anyone...
  • abbyjennaabbyjenna Posts: 126
    This is going to sound terrible, but I'm so glad to know that other people are having doubts too! I'm SO sure of this decision... I've been ready for what seems like forever, and 35 is just a few months away. I've watched too many friends struggle with getting pregnant that I just don't want to wait anymore.

    But when I really start dwelling on it - those same fears crop up. Can I really do this alone? Can I really afford this?

    I think I can. And I think I'll figure this out as I go. And I think we're all in the same boat! A friend of mine who is recently divorced and a newly single mom of two was telling me the other day how crazy she thinks I am. But my thought is that she was used to having help, and now it's gone. Being a single mom will be the only thing I will know from the start. So I'll be figuring it out from day one. Like the rest of you.

    I think we can all do this. Yay for us!
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Hi everyone the doubt has come back! I know I emailed a few people this but I still don't get it.

    I have been calling different doctors and asking them questions to get to know them. I tell them I want to be a single mom by choice and I don't have health insurance through work because my work doesn't cover it. ( I make just under the legal budget). So I would be paying for everything out of pocket. I have had every single person I have talked with ask me if I plan on getting on WIC (medical card) once I'm pregnant? Whats up with that? I don't understand? Why do they tell me this? Do they think I don't make enough money to be able to support a baby? I don't get it? Then there is the other people who say if I can afford to be Artificially Inseminated then I should be able to afford to support a child on my own! Why would they tell me this if I could or couldn't do it? Is there anything wrong with being on WIC? I don't really know that much about it except it helps give babies the extra nutrition they need. They have confused me even more. Can anyone help me? Is being on WIC (medicaid) really bad?
  • nbound72nbound72 Posts: 153
    Abby -

    Out of the large support network I have, I had 1 friend (ex-friend) wh was very negative about my choice. She is a married, mother of 2. She asked me, "Do you know how hard raising kids are?" I said yes I do and did she know how hard it would be as a married woman who's husband works and is never home?

    The bottom line is, raising children is hard. VERY hard. Whether you're married, divorced, widowed, single...

    The most important thing is having a support system and using your resources. Don't be a martar and not ask for help.

    Just because we are in the "single" category, doesn't mean we want kids any less than those fortunate enough to fine their soulmates. (Some even married just to have kids)

    GO FOR IT!!!! Let's think, how many women have deadbeat husbands who don't help at all?
  • abbyjennaabbyjenna Posts: 126
    Exactly nbound... I love when people say, "You know, this is really going to change your life." REALLY?! I hadn't thought about that! Whoe would ever have thought that having a baby and choosing to be a single mom would change my life?! Haha. Please. I guess people are trying to help, but come on.

    Of course it's going to change my life. Of course it's going to be hard. But up till now I've done pretty much everything on my own - why stop now? And I do have a fantastic support system and a whole pile of friends who owe me babysitting!

    I've got a preconception appointment at the birth center and an appointment with the repro doctor a week from today. Hoping they tell me all is well with all my parts so I can get started soon. Finally picked a donor last night and I want to buy!
  • abbyjennaabbyjenna Posts: 126
    Sorry for the intense sarcasm there :) My friends just amaze me sometimes with the stuff they say!
  • TawnyaeTawnyae Posts: 10
    I have the same feelings. I am 39 and single, I realized that I can't have a child at any age but I can a relationship so I decided to take a leap of faith. I got pregnant rather easily so I figured it was meant to be, but I am very nervous about the amount of time and emotion raising a child on my own will take.

    You can do whatever you put your mind to.
  • samsmomsamsmom Posts: 47
    Miss the boards- rejoining as the support received from the ladies on here is great!

    I think it's normal to have doubts. Parenthood is a huge responsibility that shouldn't be taken lightly. I backed out the first time at 35 and took 9 months to think about it. I had the same I was miserable.

    I finally did it in April 09 and have a beautiful 8 month old daughter I haven't slept since December, but it is worth it. You have to follow your heart. It's tough doing it alone, but if you surround yourself with a loving support system you can figure it out. By the way, my married friends find it tough with 2.
  • samsmomsamsmom Posts: 47
    I backed out also the first time. I had so many doubts, can I do it, is it fair. I did about 9 months of soul searching, crying, trying to fill the void with other projects when my sister sat me down for a chat. I finally did it in April 09 and have a beautiful 8 month old daughter. This message board was a big help. You 'talk' to ladies with the same concerns and you get through it together. I think doubting is normal- my married friends had the same concerns, can we do it, will we be good parents. You have to follow your heart.
  • samsmomsamsmom Posts: 47
    Geez- it has been a while since I have been on the boards- forgot how to send! LOL!
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