Making the right choice before getting started

mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
in Single Mothers by Choice
I always get really scared talking about this because of my age. Okay. Here I go. I have thought about being a mom ever since I turned 17 years old. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before bed. Holding my baby in my arms. well I was 17 five years ago. I have gone to other place, online groups asking for help so I know I'm making the right choice, but all I get out of that is really mean comments since I'm only 22. People ask me if I ever want to get married.? Well here is the problem. I having a really hard time being around men. I can't let my guard down around them. I always push them away and never let them into my life. I have a very hard time trusting men. I can't plan my life around knowing I'm going to meet the right guy that doesn't scare me, that I feel safe around. But being a mommy was always part of my plan since I was a little girl. The reason I'm on here is I'm hoping a lot of you ladies could help me on my path of deciding whats right for me and my future children. I want to make the right choice for everyone involved. This decision changes my life and/or a child's life forever. So I don't want to make the wrong choice. I want to be as informed of everything that I would be doing. As much information as possible. If anyone could help me without being mean because of my age, I would really appreciate it. Thank you in advance.
Much Love, Nicole
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Comments

  • Sunshyne2010Sunshyne2010 Posts: 91
    Hi Nicole,
    Don't feel left out because of your age, I just turned 29 a week ago and I've had the same desire of motherhood since I was very young. I was always fascinated with the idea of having a child grow in my belly, taking care of them, doing all the things my mother didn't do for me. I've often wondered if my child would look or even act like me.....I respect your honesty and vulnerability for allowing us here to share some of your experiences. I'm very new to this myself, just started going to a fertility clinic about two months ago because I wasn't sure where else to go. I had to do a lot of blood test as well as come in on my period so they could do vaginal ultrasounds, all to make sure that I wasn't having any fertility issues such as not ovulating. In the beginning I was told I would have to get an HSG, which basically is when they insert a dye into your fallopian tubes to see if it passes all the way through and that you don't have any blockage. Fortunately after my blood work my doctor said I didn't have to do that and suggested we go ahead with the first IUI when my ovulation get turns positive. I'm very excited and I will actually begin the ovulation test today, as soon as I get the smiley face I will go in the next morning for the insemination. Like you I'm sure, I have done a lot of research as to how many women actually get pregnant with an IUI and how many have gotten pregnant their first time. I have read a lot of success stories as well as a lot of disappointment. It seems as though age doesn't have much of factor as I have read of women 36 and up getting pregnant the very first time. I'm trying to remain positive, stress free, and pray. Hope I didn't ramble on too much, just happy to have someone around my age to talk with. Hope this helps.
  • tjmoorstjmoors Posts: 151
    Hello mommy87,

    I understand how you feel in dealing with people thinking you are too young to start a family, and it is even harder when we decided to do this process as single mothers by choice. I was only 20 years old when I had my son from a previous marriage. I am now 26 years old and am doing my IUI's as a single mother. I don't feel the need to wait for a man to have another child - I've been ready for baby #2 for so long and am tired of waiting for someone to come along just so I can give my son a sibling.

    From the beginning, I've always told my mom about my decision to have another baby via IUI and she has always been supportive. I ended up telling my older sister about 2 weeks before I had my first appointment and her reaction wasn't what I expected. I felt a little down after that incident, but my mom said: "Do what you want to do and what feels right in your heart. Don't listen to what others say".

    And so I am telling you the same thing: Do what you feel is right. Motherhood is a blessing and I was blessed with my son at a young age and hope to be blessed very soon with another child :)

    Take care!
  • smaciegraciesmaciegracie Posts: 296
    Nicole, I was 22 when I started looking into this process. I'm 25 now and will be 26 this year...they still tell me I'm too young. My family is not supportive at all of my decision, but I don't live my life for them. Listen to your heart. This can be a long journey and can throw some curve balls (I lost a baby boy).I refuse to sit around and wait for someone who may never come.
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Thank you all for your kind words. It makes me feel better that you all have went through this at a young age. As I'm just starting this process now. I realize I have a very long ways to go. I didn't know if I had to be a certain age to even be able to start this process or even find a doctor who would take me as a patient. I have yet to find one, But still looking. You all know exactly what I'm feeling about all of this and that makes feel so much stronger in my decision. It hurts that I don't have a completely supportive family. But my mom does support me and in my eyes that's all that matters. I have mead my decision and I've never felt more right about it. My journey begins. Wish me luck!
    Lots or Love,
    Nicole
  • Sunshyne2010Sunshyne2010 Posts: 91
    Lots of luck and Baby Dust to you Nicole!!!
  • TrueLove27TrueLove27 Posts: 2
    Hi everyone I want you to know I am as well so very supportive of everyone of you and want to thank you for helping me to know that I am not the only one out there that has dreamed of her baby and the smell, the touch, holding my baby, breast feeding, watching him or her sleep, feeling my baby grow inside me, and birthing him or her. I have been going through this since I was 18 years old and have waited for that "right" man but you know I am 27 now and it just does not seam like it is coming along, so as all of you I feel there is no greater gift then a child and I just don't feel like waiting any longer for that special someone and I don't want to have a child and have to split the time with a man I don't even really know. So as you I have steadily researched this for 4 years and have made my mind up that I am going to go through with it as a single mom because I know I will be an amazing mom just like all of you will be, because we want this child more then anything that is why we are going to the extremes we are and making sure it is the right thing to do, and that alone shows me we all would do anything to make sure we did anything we had to to protect, take care of, and give all we can for are child. Anyways I am sorry I am going on and on but it was so nice to know other women my age fill the same way and are having the same out look on things it is such a breath of fresh air. Thank you all and I hope we can keep in contact through hear and keep each other posted about are blessings. May God bless you all with a little one soon......

    Shanadore
  • abbyjennaabbyjenna Posts: 126
    I've been lurking around this site for a while now, and finally feel like I should chime in. I've had the same feelings as you since as far back as I can remember. My mom used to teach childbirth classes in my living room when I was about 5, and so I've always been fascinated by the whole process. I've been waiting and waiting to meet the right guy, and now, at 34, it still hasn't happened. I've decided to go for it and do the single mommy thing. I have only just begun, and am actually considering not going to a fertility doc (I have no reason to believe I have any issues). I'm getting a LOT of grief from some of my friends - and that's at 34, so I can imagine what you're going through. My close friends and family are extremely supportive. I'm terrified, because I have no idea how I'm going to do this alone, but at the same time, I know I can do it. Anyway, I think you should go for it. I wish I had done it years ago. Good luck!
  • LieselLiesel Posts: 2
    Hi, I'm new. I want to step in and say how much I believe in you all and your choices. DON'T WAIT! Though I too knew at a young age how very much I wanted to be a mommie, I waited and searched for the right man, stuck in the belief that I had to provide a perfect father for my child. But... here I am, 48 years old, (that's right, 48,) and I have finally let go of those fears, (as best I can in each moment,) and am going for my dream. I hope maybe some of you will have some encouraging words for me. Tomorrow is my first appointment with the fertility doctor, and, well, I'm scared.
  • TrueLove27TrueLove27 Posts: 2
    abbyjenna:

    Thank you for your advice and support... I think it is great that you are going for it now and going to be a single mommy because you deserve it and you know what if your friends that are not being supportive can't be then they are not true friends. An I agree with you about the whole fertility clinic thing you are still young and why go to one prier to trying first. Plus that is a lot of money that is worth saving for you and your child if you don't need it you know...... An as for not knowing how you are going to do it God will provide and you will find strength that you never knew you had when it comes to you having to be there and make a life for your baby. Look at all the women that get married and have a husband and still basically do it on there own with out being on there own which is even worse. I wish you luck and I hope that you have an amazing pregnancy, birth, and life as a wonderful mommy.


    Liesel:

    Thanks for the words of a wonderful woman of whom could be a mother to some of us. I want to tell you that I think it is wonderful that you are finally giving in and going for your dream because you truly deserve it and should go for it with all of your heart. It is not too late more and more women are having babies in there 40's and besides once you have wanted a child the way in which I feel all of us do it is something that is needed to complete us as a person along with making us whole. I wish you the best of luck and hope all goes well with the appt and that all the news is amazing and you are able to go through it with a perfect and easy pregnancy.

    Shanadore
  • LieselLiesel Posts: 2
    Shanadore:


    Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words! I have tears of gratitude in my eyes for you. Thank you. The appointment went well. We are going to do a challenge test in a couple weeks to determine how many eggs I have left, since, if I have only a few, the physiological changes may make getting pregnant much harder. However, my fertility doctor is supportive, Hurrah!

    Thank you again, so much, and the best of good wishes to you too!
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    Dear Nicole, I have felt similar to your post and have never been in a serious relationship, but totally want to be a mom. :) I am 27 now and made the decesion to become a SMBC three years ago, officially started trying in march. the best advice I can give you is to follow your heart, if you have more than a few doubts,or concerns, which you will always have some! wait a year and then if you still want to become a mom on your own, go for it, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, as long as you are happy and have the love and enough money to support your child. Welcome to CCB board! My mom totally supports me as do a few other family members, some family would not be supportive, so they don't know much about this, yet! Have some great supportive frineds! :) Find people that support your decesion and believe in you and your choice to become a mommy in an unconventional , but beautiful way. Most importantly believe in YOURSELF and your decesion. P.s. my name's nicole too. JOin the CCB group on facebook- CCBfriends May blessings come your way :)
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    Oh and don't think that because you do this you will never get married, it can happen. There are good guys out there, they are just hard to find! lol Life works in mysterious ways. Check out the book single mothers by choice I read it toward the beginnning of my journey and it was a God send. There's also single by chance, mother by choice. Could be a little off on that title. best of luck, nicole
  • sandmjsandmj Posts: 18
    I'm just 25 yrs old, a widow of 2 years. Tried to have a child with my husband since we first were married at age 18, it never happened and he was killed before we could try ivf. I first started thinking about having a child alone a year after he died. I went to the fertility clinic and got a lot of grief because of my age, the doctor actually told me I should wait to marry a nice man, and I couldn't do it alone. I have great support of my family along with my late husbands family, I'm financially stable, college educated, and I work from the home. I figure like this if you write down on a piece of paper pros and cons of doing it this way right now and your pros out weigh the cons go for it why wait. You risk more problems the older you get. If it's really what you want you'll find a way to do it. Good luck to all of you!
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    mommy 87/Nicole, sorry didn't see that you had been on here for awhile, so I guess that's a rewelcome to CCB Boards! thought your screen name looked familiar!
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Hey everyone! I'm still on here. My heart was broken by a guy I was seeing. We wanted a child together, but I found out last month he was cheating on me and got another girl pregnant. After that I realized how bad I wanted to be a mom. But I didn't want to go through heartbreak like that again. So I'm going in alone.I have just decided to wait until my niece is 1 years old. She'll be 1 in October and then I'm moving ahead with my plans. I have never felt more right about anything.
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    Yay, best of luck mommy87!
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    Yay, on making the decesion that this is right for you, not yay on the broken heart :( Is funny how things like that help us to realize what really matters and what we really want though. blessings, Nicole
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Thank you. An who knows. Maybe some day down the road. I will find someone who will love me for who I am and also love my child. That's what I'm hoping for.
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    I hope so too! god bless, sweetie! :)
  • Msteere1Msteere1 Posts: 8
    Hi Nicole!
    I too am 22 and beginning to look at the process of becoming a single mommy! I also was concerned with what people would think and like you Mom mine gave me the whole "Do what id right in your heart and be happy." Her opinion is the one that matters most to me. I will see the RE the beginning of next month to begin the process, I am very excited yet nervous at the idea of actually doing it. I know that I don't want to be married or even be in a relationship, never have been in one and do not desire too. I don't know why this is but I am completely happy single, I just am missing the baby I have longed for since I was a little girl. As for being so young, a baby has been on the to do list for a very long time, but because of some medical problems I have and the need to get pregnant at a certain time, and now being the right time, I feel like I can go for it. Good luck to you when you begin the process in October!
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    OMG Msteere! Thank you so much for commenting!

    You situation is the exact same as mine! I have only been out with one guy twice and I couldn't stand it. The other guy I was just with so I could have the baby I always wanted. That wasn't a good idea and I'm glad nothing happened with him. I'm completely over it now. I just never wanted to date or be in a relationship. I to am happy being single. I just always wanted a baby since I was little. I'm glad your hear. Good luck to next month. I hope things go fast and great for you. Hope to talk to you again. If you need anything just let me know. My email is

    wannabeamommy87@yahoo.com

    don't hesitate to write me
  • ButterflyButterfly Posts: 47
    Hello, I'm wondering about you girls here(the 22 yr olds) if you are financially able to afford a baby? First of all, are you even able to affford paying the whole process of insemination, which is expensive--buying the vials, Dr. consulations, tests, ultrasounds, ect?? Are you really financialy stable to afford it?

    And then down the line are the bigger expenses. Babies are expensive they need diapers all the time, lots of clothes as they grow out of real fast, crib, car seat, stroller, ect plus if they are sick you gotta buy them meds and take them to the pediatrician, ect..How are you gonna pay for all those expenses if you're thinking of doing it all by yourself?

    And then if you do have some kind of job is your salary enough? You'll probably be working full time so who's gonna take care of the baby all day while you're gone?? Not to judge here but this is not as simple as just wanting to have a baby, you have to be really financially independant if you're doing this alone and figure out exactly what you're gonna do beforehand.
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    You are judging, and that hurts.
  • Msteere1Msteere1 Posts: 8
    Well Butterfly, I do see where you are coming from. But, how is it different for us because we are 22 than it is for you at an older age, or anyone for that matter, we are still all single and want to be mommys?
    As far as the money it is no business of anyone's, but my own how I will choose to pay for the insemination or the Dr.'s appointments. As for providing for the baby and who will take care of it while I work is again my own business and please rest assured that I would not do this if I didn't feel that it was right or I wasn't able to, and I hope the same for anyone who is looking to do this on their own.
    Oh and I think you are being some what judge mental when you state "then if you do have some kind of job...." I feel like you think that because we are young we are stupid and don't have any idea what it would take to go through the process of getting pregnant or how to support a baby once it is here. Who in there right mind would purposely get pregnant without having a job, none the less a good one? You answer me that please.
    Thank you for your concern and for making sure we have thought this whole thing out well enough, rest assured I have and I promise you that. Not that I should even have to answer to some stranger when it comes to my personal life and finances. But, thank you
  • ButterflyButterfly Posts: 47
    Msteere1--I ask these questions because I hope that you have taken these types of questions into consideration before thinking of having a baby, because first off, the whole insemination process is expensive(could you pay for that?) And if you could do that then once the baby is born it becomes much more expensive.

    And I'm not saying that its wrong to be a mom at that age but you are single that means that all the expenses will be placed solely on you, and lets face it, a person who's 22 doesnt necessarily make the amount of salary that a person who's older, someone who's older might a college degree, has a more higher paying job, ect. Its a reality.

    I also wonder cause I'm hearing a lot of "Oh its been a dream of mine since I was a litte girl to be a mommy and have a baby in my arms, i dont care not having man, ect."...But I dont hear anything about how you're actually gonna afford it all and manage the whole situation cause I honestly wouldnt want you wasting your money if you cant even afford to finish the process.
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Msteere1 Thank you for saying that. Its everything I want to say. Its just when people start judging like that. They make me feel completely horrible for wanting to be a mom.
  • Msteere1Msteere1 Posts: 8
    Butterfly- I have taken all of the questions in to consideration and yes I can afford the insemination process,obviously I have researched this enough to be on this site so I clearly have the understanding of what it takes to go through the process. Yes I know it is very expensive and yes I know babies cost a great deal of money.
    As far as how much I make I will say it again, I don't think it is anyone's business but my own to know what I make, but yes I do have a college degree and have a great paying job.
    Yes you're right it has been one of my biggest dreams since I was a little girl to have a baby, but never once was it a dream of mine to be married, not even a want. I choose not to discuss how I am going to afford it because again it is my business and only my business about my finances.
    Is it wrong of us to want to have a child while being young and can enjoy them for longer and like I said in another post, again I don't feel like I need to be specific in my personal life with you but, I have some medical issues that could and may get in the way of my getting pregnant and my doctors feel that if I want a baby then this may be the time to try for one, it may be now or never so I feel like I can handle it financially, physically and emotionally.
    Here are my questions to you....are you single? and if you don't mind me asking how old are you? Have you any children of your own yet? Please stop judging us because we are young. You are beginning to make me feel like I don't deserve to do this because I am young and that makes me very upset. If you remember I did thank you for bringing these questions to mind and if you truly are watching out for us and not being nosy and judgmental I apologize for being so defensive and do thank you for caring.
  • Msteere1Msteere1 Posts: 8
    Mommy87- Don't feel horrible for wanting to be a mom, but do take all the questions Butterfly has raised into consideration. Don't be completely offended by her words, just the way it comes across hurts a little bit, I understand that. Keep your head up and remember that you are the only one that can make your dreams come true when you are ready.
  • ButterflyButterfly Posts: 47
    Msteere1--Heheh.You need to stop taking it so personally, stop acting like you're mad or hurt and getting all defensive for no reason, stop playing the victim. And no I am not interested, neither was I asking you about your personal, medical or how much you make. My post was questions with the intention of simply making YOU reflect on certain aspects that need to be considered before deciding to have a child. period. stop making it into something bigger deal.
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    Stop taking it personally: Are you serious?! Your comment pointed directly at us because were 22. You basically said. (maybe not the exact words)what we want to do is selfish because were young and you don't think were ready.This is what I say to some people who have nasty comments about me and my choices. You know nothing about us.You know what else, I don't care what anyone else has to say. I have my mom and the rest of my families blessings. I really don't believe that if I wasn't ready or stable enough, my own Mother wouldn't be behind my decisions and if she wasn't okay with it. I wouldn't be going through with it. I'm not defending myself anymore! No one has the right to make me feel horrible about this!
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