Anxious about single mom journey

smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46
in Single Mothers by Choice
Hello all,

I will have my first IUI in a few weeks and I'm starting to get super anxious. I anticipated this of course but would still love feedback from other single moms out there. I'm questioning if I'm doing this for the right reasons, do I really have the financial stability, and did I even pick the right donor?!? I'm 38 and single and very fortunate to have family and friends 100% support. But I'm also anticipating feeling extremely lonely being home alone pregnant and then as a single mom What did you ladies do to combat this?

Thanks!!

Comments

  • Firefly419Firefly419 Posts: 35
    Hi Smurf -
    I really don't have mush advice in the "how to be a single mom" area since I am in the same boat as your are right now. Just had my first IUI (I'm 37) and all this is very new to me too. But it seems that motherhood never really turns out how one plans and is constantly flowing with ups and downs. So I look at it as if you don't have concerns about providing for your future family and if you are NOT anxious about it.. then that is the real concern (if that makes sense). I think your concerns are normal and appropriate. My plan as of now is, when I eventually get pregnant, to utilize my support system as much as I can. Since it seems you have a great support system in place maybe this can help you to get out of a lonely funk, if they arise.....And of course not forgetting to have a "me" day every once in awhile. A day to self soothe :)
    Anyway, I know this doesn't help much but I still wanted to write and tell you to stay positive and just know you are not the only one with those feelings :)
  • smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46
    Hi Firefly,
    Thank you. Yes, I totally get what you said about being concerned if I wasn't worried and anxious. I should start practicing now reaching out because that doesn't come easy for me. Maybe you've experienced the same. People assume that you're a strong, independent, care free, likes to be alone, can handle anything woman (which I am lol) but don't understand that you can get lonely. I just gave myself a project as I'm writing this. I definitely need to practice reaching out and asking for support and companionship when I need it. And "me" days for sure...yoga being at the top of my list :)
    You've been a great help and I hope that you're able to reach out to a support system as well. Good luck to you!
  • BeaBeaBeaBea Posts: 44
    I'm having my first IUI in a few days (hopefully) after a few unsuccessful at-home ICIs. I'm 34 and going solo, too. Having a husband/partner isn't a guarantee you wouldn't have lonely moments. An ambivalent or unsupportive partner would be worse than none at all!
    I think your nerves are normal and understandable. I've been thinking about what the hard moments may be and brainstorming how to deal with them. Example: I'll tell my best friend that coming home from the hospital alone with a new baby will feel lonely. I'll ask her to bring me dinner that night and drop a heavy hint that I want someone to bring me flowers :)
    I assume your "reason" for doing this is because you want to be a parent. That's the best reason! Plenty of folks have babies for less compelling reasons. And not everyone is financially stable when they do it.
    You cannot wait for the "perfect time" to have a baby because there will never be one. You'll never be 100% sure you won't lose your job, or have a major life event, or a health scare, or whatever.
  • smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46
    Hi BeaBea,
    First....good luck to you!!! Sending luck, positive energy and baby dust your way! Everything you said is so true. And I like that you are thinking ahead of the lonely moments and planning to combat them in advance. Smart move and I'm definitely stealing it. I think friends and family will appreciate it too because they want to help and be there and sometimes just don't know what to do.

    Thanks for the encouragement :)
  • DogFoster2MomDogFoster2Mom Posts: 1
    I completely agree with BeaBea. I'm so proud of all of you strong women and I'm so glad I found this Discussion Board! I'm 34 and I'm having my first IUI at the end of August. Good luck to everyone!!! All of your babies will be so lucky to have a mom that wanted them so bad that they weren't willing to wait any longer. Sending positivity to all of you!
  • GlobabyGlobaby Posts: 1
    Hi girls out there, all will be fine! Having a baby on our own is the best option for us now:) Don't be anxious. We can do this. I'm looking forward to my first IUI next week.
  • smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46
    Yes DogFoster2Mom and Globaby! You're both so right!! It's so reassuring to get some needed uplifting and encouragement. I'll be having my first IUI in a couple of weeks also. Wishing all of you the best of lucky. Sending baby dust your way.
  • cadv007cadv007 Posts: 12
    Hi all,
    I'm along the same journey. I'm 41 and the right guy never came along. On my second IUI attempt, I got pregnant and now am 5 weeks along. Suddenly I'm worried how I'll do this alone, but I keep telling myself that if teenage girls can sort it out, I can (with many more resources and wisdom). Sending you all good energy!
  • smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46
    Hi cadv007,
    First of all, congratulations!! I go back and forth with the exact same feelings! it's definitely an emotional rollercoaster. And it feels good to vent with other ladies that feel the same. I start my clomid tomorrow and this journey is feeling really real now. wooosahhhhhh. Sending positive and relaxing energy your way as well.
  • SweetthearttSweettheartt Posts: 373
    Hello Ladies,
    I'm a SMBC mother of a one year old baby boy. When I started my fertility journey I was 37 and now am 42. When I think about how much I agonized over the decision to be a mother on my own I think of it as so much time and emotional energy wasted. It has been the best thing I have ever done and every time I think of or see my little boy the only thing I wished is I had done it earlier so that I would have more years with him.
  • smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46
    Hi Sweettheartt,

    Thanks for that. Very true and a good reminder as we start to feel anxious :)
  • aml1676aml1676 Posts: 4
    I was 38 when my daughter was born - she's now 3, and I can honestly say that I don't miss not having a partner. Sometimes it can feel heavy being the one person responsible for all the decisions about this little person, but I also don't have to respect anyone else's feelings or beliefs, and it makes life so much easier. I have zero regrets - I tell everyone that she was the best decision I have ever made. I'm trying for #2 now.

    You'll find your village, especially after baby comes. The people you think you can count on most may not be the ones that really step up; be prepared to be surprised! You may also surprise yourself - I thought I would need more help than I have, but it's always worked out that I've had just the right amount of support when I needed it. Good luck!
  • smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46
    Hi ami1676

    Thank you. I go back and forth with the same feelings. I know I won't have any regrets but it's tough to quiet your mind sometimes.

    I'm lucky that I have a very supportive village. I'm anticipating some surprises though for sure. I recently had a tragic death in the family and was shocked when many friends were absent. But I know it'll all work out. If my mom could do it at 19 I can certainly do it at 38 :)
  • UnknownUnknown
    I'm 37 and after failed relationships, it's scaring me to think that I may miss my chance to have a child. I've always wanted to have a child, and was waiting to be with the right man and get married. I am considering freezing my eggs, but really don't have the money. This is my first time really checking this option out. Do you find that you tell people you used a donor? Or do you just give vague answers? I guess I'm just a bundle of nerves. Also, can you choose the sex of the baby? I'd be happy for any baby, but I've always wanted a girl...seeing I may only have one child, I'd love to have a little girl.
  • smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46
    Hi,

    That's exactly why I am on this journey...was not going to miss the opportunity to have a child because I haven't yet found the right man. There are a lot of financing options out there. Look and research so you don't miss out on the opportunity to freeze or move forward. I have a small, close circle of supporters that know I'm doing this and using a donor. My plan moving forward is to tell people we are going to be a two person family and we're completely happy with it! I'm a private person to begin with and don't see myself sharing personal details of this journey with everyone. You may choose otherwise...you'll figure it out trust me. As for the sex of the baby....I'm not sure. Good luck!!!
  • smurfmamasmurfmama Posts: 46

    I wish I could like your post @erinogirl123 a thousand times. It's real, it's raw, it's poignant, and beautiful. I know that I will feel alllll of that for sure. But I also know that I will never regret doing this. I tell people....I would regret it 1000% if I never had my own child because I was waiting for the one to come along. I will not regret having a child...no matter how hard or stressful or lonely it will get sometimes :) thanks for the comment

  • erinogirl123erinogirl123 Posts: 21

    Before I had my daughter, folks would say, "oh Erin, it's so HARD and you're going to be doing it on your OWN."

    I would answer, "Hard is waking up every morning not being a parent."

    Now that I am one, it still holds true but I will admit, I had no idea how hard it really was going to be. No one can prepare you for it. This hit to my self-confidence was probably most surprising but also, as I learned, incredibly common.

    You won't regret this, not one bit.

  • Time4familyTime4family Posts: 3

    Thank you @erinogirl123! I loved your post and needed to hear that right now. I can relate on many different levels. I definitely went through a grieving process for the life I thought I would have with the right man, but at the end of the day what I always really wanted was a family, it just took me awhile to realize I could still have that on my own. I am waiting to transfer one of my two healthy baby girl embryos. Assuming all goes well, I know it will be hard, but it has always felt like the right choice.

  • PinkedPinked Posts: 4

    Ladies!! thank you for the feedback. Us single moms need to support each other.

  • OurAdventureOurAdventure Posts: 97

    A podcast I listen to, If These Ovaries Could Talk, did an episode this week with a SMBC who talks about the experiences she's had and the questions her son's asked about his "Dad", it may be of help to you! https://www.ovariestalk.com/ the episode is called "Why don't I have a dad?"

  • RGsingleRGsingle Posts: 12

    I am 39 single mom by choice Just had first ivf with donor sperm they retrieved only 4 eggs...3 fertilized and then the embryos all died before the blastocyst stage around day 6 I am truly devastated as I was hoping I would get at least one viable embryo waiting to speak to my doctor to see what happened and next steps any one else have a similar situation?

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