Anxious about single mom journey
smurfmama
Posts: 46
Hello all,
I will have my first IUI in a few weeks and I'm starting to get super anxious. I anticipated this of course but would still love feedback from other single moms out there. I'm questioning if I'm doing this for the right reasons, do I really have the financial stability, and did I even pick the right donor?!? I'm 38 and single and very fortunate to have family and friends 100% support. But I'm also anticipating feeling extremely lonely being home alone pregnant and then as a single mom What did you ladies do to combat this?
Thanks!!
I will have my first IUI in a few weeks and I'm starting to get super anxious. I anticipated this of course but would still love feedback from other single moms out there. I'm questioning if I'm doing this for the right reasons, do I really have the financial stability, and did I even pick the right donor?!? I'm 38 and single and very fortunate to have family and friends 100% support. But I'm also anticipating feeling extremely lonely being home alone pregnant and then as a single mom What did you ladies do to combat this?
Thanks!!
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I really don't have mush advice in the "how to be a single mom" area since I am in the same boat as your are right now. Just had my first IUI (I'm 37) and all this is very new to me too. But it seems that motherhood never really turns out how one plans and is constantly flowing with ups and downs. So I look at it as if you don't have concerns about providing for your future family and if you are NOT anxious about it.. then that is the real concern (if that makes sense). I think your concerns are normal and appropriate. My plan as of now is, when I eventually get pregnant, to utilize my support system as much as I can. Since it seems you have a great support system in place maybe this can help you to get out of a lonely funk, if they arise.....And of course not forgetting to have a "me" day every once in awhile. A day to self soothe :)
Anyway, I know this doesn't help much but I still wanted to write and tell you to stay positive and just know you are not the only one with those feelings :)
Thank you. Yes, I totally get what you said about being concerned if I wasn't worried and anxious. I should start practicing now reaching out because that doesn't come easy for me. Maybe you've experienced the same. People assume that you're a strong, independent, care free, likes to be alone, can handle anything woman (which I am lol) but don't understand that you can get lonely. I just gave myself a project as I'm writing this. I definitely need to practice reaching out and asking for support and companionship when I need it. And "me" days for sure...yoga being at the top of my list :)
You've been a great help and I hope that you're able to reach out to a support system as well. Good luck to you!
I think your nerves are normal and understandable. I've been thinking about what the hard moments may be and brainstorming how to deal with them. Example: I'll tell my best friend that coming home from the hospital alone with a new baby will feel lonely. I'll ask her to bring me dinner that night and drop a heavy hint that I want someone to bring me flowers :)
I assume your "reason" for doing this is because you want to be a parent. That's the best reason! Plenty of folks have babies for less compelling reasons. And not everyone is financially stable when they do it.
You cannot wait for the "perfect time" to have a baby because there will never be one. You'll never be 100% sure you won't lose your job, or have a major life event, or a health scare, or whatever.
First....good luck to you!!! Sending luck, positive energy and baby dust your way! Everything you said is so true. And I like that you are thinking ahead of the lonely moments and planning to combat them in advance. Smart move and I'm definitely stealing it. I think friends and family will appreciate it too because they want to help and be there and sometimes just don't know what to do.
Thanks for the encouragement :)
I'm along the same journey. I'm 41 and the right guy never came along. On my second IUI attempt, I got pregnant and now am 5 weeks along. Suddenly I'm worried how I'll do this alone, but I keep telling myself that if teenage girls can sort it out, I can (with many more resources and wisdom). Sending you all good energy!
First of all, congratulations!! I go back and forth with the exact same feelings! it's definitely an emotional rollercoaster. And it feels good to vent with other ladies that feel the same. I start my clomid tomorrow and this journey is feeling really real now. wooosahhhhhh. Sending positive and relaxing energy your way as well.
I'm a SMBC mother of a one year old baby boy. When I started my fertility journey I was 37 and now am 42. When I think about how much I agonized over the decision to be a mother on my own I think of it as so much time and emotional energy wasted. It has been the best thing I have ever done and every time I think of or see my little boy the only thing I wished is I had done it earlier so that I would have more years with him.
Thanks for that. Very true and a good reminder as we start to feel anxious :)
You'll find your village, especially after baby comes. The people you think you can count on most may not be the ones that really step up; be prepared to be surprised! You may also surprise yourself - I thought I would need more help than I have, but it's always worked out that I've had just the right amount of support when I needed it. Good luck!
Thank you. I go back and forth with the same feelings. I know I won't have any regrets but it's tough to quiet your mind sometimes.
I'm lucky that I have a very supportive village. I'm anticipating some surprises though for sure. I recently had a tragic death in the family and was shocked when many friends were absent. But I know it'll all work out. If my mom could do it at 19 I can certainly do it at 38 :)
That's exactly why I am on this journey...was not going to miss the opportunity to have a child because I haven't yet found the right man. There are a lot of financing options out there. Look and research so you don't miss out on the opportunity to freeze or move forward. I have a small, close circle of supporters that know I'm doing this and using a donor. My plan moving forward is to tell people we are going to be a two person family and we're completely happy with it! I'm a private person to begin with and don't see myself sharing personal details of this journey with everyone. You may choose otherwise...you'll figure it out trust me. As for the sex of the baby....I'm not sure. Good luck!!!
New to this board and while some of these posts are old, just thought I'd come share my thoughts. My daughter just turned 1 a week ago and this has been the hardest, most wonderful, most tear-filled, most uncertain, most spectacular, best and greatest year of my life. (I'm currently 42, had my daughter when I was 41)
And while I encourage anyone thinking about doing this to ask all the questions of themselves, others, their support group whatever...I also encourage anyone thinking of doing this to stop fretting and take the leap. I had given myself the cutoff of 35 and "you're either doing it or not." 35 hit and I started to seriously look into IVF and a landslide of questions came over me - one's I had thought of, one's I hadn't. I was so overwhelmed everything derailed for 5 years. I still moved forward remodeling my house to make more room, started saving money and taking extra work etc. But pulling the trigger? Oh hell no, I was terrified.
And then it hit me. Couples, married and planning kids don't have all the answers, why am I expecting that I have all the answers? Is it just because I'm doing it differently? I realized that yes, doing it differently had triggered my need to have all the answers but that I wasn't going to and I couldn't let that stop me.
I also realized I had to grieve for the concept of "find a partner, fall in love, get married and have a baby." Didn't even know it was something I was all that attached to but I did have to let it go and that was really surprisingly hard.
I have good friends around me, I have family a short flight away but I'm not going to sugar coat this: I am doing this alone. You will be doing this alone. You will have folks who will help here and there, for days or weeks, etc. They'll bring food here and there, maybe do some laundry, help where they can. They leave. They have lives. They won't be there 24/7/365. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I just think it's important to be honest with ourselves with this - you and you alone are raising this child.
So yeah, it gets lonely. A lot. Lonely while pregnant. Lonely parenting. Lonely giving yourself shots in preparation for getting pregnant. At times that can be bothersome but you know, before my daughter I had times I was lonely, too. "Lonely" is just different now. Now lonely is more when my daughter does something amazing and I wish I could turn to someone who is equally as invested as I am and share it. Sure, I can share with my family but again, it's just not the same. It's just something we have to accept as part of what being a parent is for us.
I share with everyone who wants to know my story. I meet so many people who say they always thought about having a child on their own and regretted not doing it, or know of someone who wishes they had. I share openly to hopefully encourage others to give themselves this dream and not hold back. I don't think there is shame in what I've done. I think sperm donors are amazing people who give others the greatest gift imaginable so hell yeah I tell people I used a donor. I tell them that out of the 12 eggs retrieved, 11 inseminated, 9 progressed to the point of transfer that one, ONE, was viable. And that I was really, REALLY lucky that that ONE embryo took. I tell them that because I think a lot of us just assume it'll be fine, it'll work. We deny or turn a blind eye to our biology because acknowledging it is scary and then it's too late, or almost too late as it was in my case.
This is getting long so one more thing for now...
I'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely because my partner who I am counting on is letting me down.
I'd rather be tired from having to do everything myself than be tired and pissed that my partner who I am counting on isn't contributing.
I'd rather be exhausted, unsure of why my daughter is crying and no idea what to do, trying to balance work, being a parent and having a social life....than not being a parent at all.
I wish I could like your post @erinogirl123 a thousand times. It's real, it's raw, it's poignant, and beautiful. I know that I will feel alllll of that for sure. But I also know that I will never regret doing this. I tell people....I would regret it 1000% if I never had my own child because I was waiting for the one to come along. I will not regret having a child...no matter how hard or stressful or lonely it will get sometimes
thanks for the comment
Before I had my daughter, folks would say, "oh Erin, it's so HARD and you're going to be doing it on your OWN."
I would answer, "Hard is waking up every morning not being a parent."
Now that I am one, it still holds true but I will admit, I had no idea how hard it really was going to be. No one can prepare you for it. This hit to my self-confidence was probably most surprising but also, as I learned, incredibly common.
You won't regret this, not one bit.
Thank you @erinogirl123! I loved your post and needed to hear that right now. I can relate on many different levels. I definitely went through a grieving process for the life I thought I would have with the right man, but at the end of the day what I always really wanted was a family, it just took me awhile to realize I could still have that on my own. I am waiting to transfer one of my two healthy baby girl embryos. Assuming all goes well, I know it will be hard, but it has always felt like the right choice.
Ladies!! thank you for the feedback. Us single moms need to support each other.
A podcast I listen to, If These Ovaries Could Talk, did an episode this week with a SMBC who talks about the experiences she's had and the questions her son's asked about his "Dad", it may be of help to you! https://www.ovariestalk.com/ the episode is called "Why don't I have a dad?"
I am 39 single mom by choice Just had first ivf with donor sperm they retrieved only 4 eggs...3 fertilized and then the embryos all died before the blastocyst stage around day 6 I am truly devastated as I was hoping I would get at least one viable embryo waiting to speak to my doctor to see what happened and next steps any one else have a similar situation?