Possibly going to be a single mother by choice... help!

Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
in Single Mothers by Choice
Hey guys! My name is Holly and I'm 32 years old. I have PCOS and it seems to be causing me some issues. My ex husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years but to no avail. Being a mom is one of the most important things in the world to me. I am now single with no sign of Mr right and don't want to wait until I am 40 years old to start trying again. I'm currently seeing a specialist and looking into IUI using donor sperm. I'd like to talk to someone who has done this and hear about their experiences. How did your family take it? How do you explain all this to your child? How do you select a donor? I've chosen a few based on what the staff thinks they look like as far as actors are concerned but is that it? Someone please help?! I feel lost!

Comments

  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    Don't feel lost. This is a huge decision, but definitely a decision that is worth it all.

    I have 21 month old twins. I was 34 when I made the decision, for the same reason, no love interest in sight.

    My family has been supportive since day 1. They had concerns of how I would raise a child by myself, childcare, money, what if I had problems during pregnancy, etc. There is never a perfect time to do it, just have to do it and things work themselves out!

    When I made the decision i started keeping a journal. I wrote down the entire process of the journey that led me to my decision. I have 2 sons, I'm sure they don't want to hear all my dating details and fails. LOL. But they will one day. I also used an open donor, if they want to contact him one day they have the option.

    I selected a donor based on certain characteristics. Someone who fit the description of who I usually date and also similar to me. Blonde hair, blue eyes. I narrowed it down to w and I went to dinner with a group of girlfriends with their profiles and childhood pictures and I let them vote. It was unanimous...and i chose him.

    I was lucky and got pregnant on the first IUI.

    We had a rought first year. My sons were born premature and one of them has had health problems. Spent half of his first year in the hospital. This is where the support of family and friends come in. My parents are a huge help and I couldn't do this without them.

    And everyone completely forgets about how they were conceived once they are born.

    I have been practicing the talk with them since I was pregnant. And I say all families are different. A family isn't who plays what role, but a family is love and you are loved. As far as father figures, they have my father and their godfathers.

    I hope I've helped. You can ask me any questions. I'll be glad to answer them.
  • ah_511ah_511 Posts: 80
    Good luck to you! I debated for quite awhile. I am 37 and still single and didn't want to waste anymore precious time. I don't know anyone personally who has done this which made it difficult. My family has been amazing. Only a couple friends know. I have had 6 unsuccessful IUIs and am now debating IVF something I never dreamt id have to deal with. It is quite a journey!
  • Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
    melissaprestwood do you have facebook? do you mind if i look you up?
  • Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
    Well, I tried looking up Melissa Prestwood on FB but I'm pretty sure that none of the people who popped up are you. Lol. And ah_511, I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles with IUI. I really hope it works for me if I decide to embark on this journey. I just have so many questions and what if's.
  • Elle32077Elle32077 Posts: 21
    ah_511, have you ruled out endometriosis?
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    Sure. My profile pictures is Marilyn Monroe.
  • Looking for a babyLooking for a baby Posts: 51
    I'm a single mother by choice too. I did an IUI and got pregnant of my son. He's 15 months old. I'm 36.
    My parents are very supportive and once your child is born, you don't care the way he/she was conceived. If everything goes well, I'll try to give him a sibling this summer. LOL!
  • BellasMomBellasMom Posts: 27
    Do it and don't wait!!! I became single at 32 and thought for sure I'd meet mr right any day. It's been 5 years and I've dated several men who are divorced and don't want more kids. I had to end a relationship this past summer with someone I'm still in love with but we would never see eye to eye on having a baby (he is 10 years older than I and has a 20 year old daughter). I had been seeing a RE for a couple years thinking and planning on the single mother route even when I was still actively dating and trying to meet a guy. When I told my parents/family/friends they were all SO supportive. I was overwhelmed with everyone's outpouring of love, support and belief in what I had chosen and they all thought it was such a brave and smart decision. I do worry about the finances of raising a child alone but I believe it will work itself out. I would say if it is what you want more than anything than go for it! My therapist put it in a good perspective- it's an investment in your future! You don't not go to college bc you'll have student loans or you don't not buy a house bc you'll have a mortgage so this is the same. I didn't want to look back 10 years from now and regret not going after my dream.
    I got pregnant on my 3rd IUI. Two eggs fertilized. Around 7-8 weeks I lost one -they called it a vanishing twin. All my doctors - RE, regular OB and high-risk OB (for over 35) thought everything looked good with the second one. Unfortunately at 13 weeks I was given devastating news that my baby had chromosomal abnormalities and wouldn't make it. I had to have a d&e and I'm just heartbroken. It was a baby girl with donor 13866. The doctors did further testing and found it was just completely unlucky, random occurrence and that it was nothing caused by me or the donor. I'm awaiting my first period after d&e and have an appt with my RE tomorrow. They say you are very fertile after having just been pregnant. I have 3 vials left- had been saving them for a sibling. I am turning 37 next week and as long as my RE agrees I plan to try another IUI next month. My insurance doesn't cover anything with IUI or IVF, not even meds. So it has been a very emotionally, physically and financially draining process. I won't give up on my dream of becoming a mother so have to push through! I pray it works on the first round so I can still have vials left for future sibling as my donor is now sold out.
    For those of you trying, if you haven't already I'd suggest getting your tubes flushed- it's uncomfortable but quick procedure and its supposedly very successful for next months cycle. Worked for me. Also try acupuncture- very true believer in its assistance in fertility not just for me but for several friends who had issues. Good luck and baby dust to us all!
  • nestinglanestingla Posts: 14
    Hi there Holly and everybody! I started this journey about 2 years ago. I made a blog about it if you want to give it a read, it has loads of logistical things I wish I knew when I was getting started, along with the experiences I've had through choosing a donor, 8 IUIs, navigating IVF and recently discovering I had endometriosis, which thankfully is all better. Here's a link to the About page if you're interested: http://nestinginla.com/my-aim-is-true/ :)
  • Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
    Wow. Thank yall so much for the wonderful stories! I still want to do this but am very nervous as none of my family lives around me. I do have some good supportive friends and my family is on board as well if this is what i decide to do. BellasMom please keep me posted on you!!! I'm going to have to save up some money again before I can do anything. $1300 for the procedure and my Dr wants me to order 2 vials of sperm just in case. Sigh. We shall see what happens...
  • SampsonSampson Posts: 67
    I have a soon to be 3 year old and I am very happy I decided to use a donor. I also have a 5 year old from a past relationship who has health issues. I knew I wanted her to have a sibling but the genetic health issues was too much to possibly take on with another child… So I used a donor. If at any point you want a child you should definitely do it…. you only live once so make the best of it :) Good luck
  • Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
    Thank yall so much!!I chose my donor and purchased 2 vials 2 days ago!!!! I'm praying I'll get really REALLY lucky and it'll take on the first try!!! I'll keep yall posted!!!
  • LadiinwaitingLadiinwaiting Posts: 0
    My name is Torya and I just started this journey of IVF as we'll! I'm 38 with an Eptopic pregnancy that happened 19 yrs ago no potential mate in site and the second oldest of eight siblings who are all parents! I also feel very lost and did not know the financial cost of all of this however I decided to still move forward but if you have any help with picking a donor please please post or reply.
  • ah_511ah_511 Posts: 80
    Ladiinwaiting

    Good luck. This is way harder than I thought. I figured I would try a few times and if it didn't work stop and accept it. But once I started I realized how badly I wanted it. I have had 7 failed IUIs and although it would be financially tough I am going for IVF so there are no regrets.

    I had to switch donors part way through because he ran out of vials.
    I used the essay to help but also nationality and health background. I waited until I found one that just felt right. It was overwhelming. I also chose an open donor which limits the choices but if this works I want my child to have the option one day of meeting the donor.

    I am 38 with no known issues and praying IVF works. Good luck keep me posted.
  • Turtle81Turtle81 Posts: 1
    Hi Everyone,
    My name is Heather and I have PCOS, but with a lot of help and support I am now only a few weeks away from delivering my baby boy. The best advice I can give to anyone is to keep trying. It took me 12 tries of IUI before I became pregnant. Also, have a very honest talk with your doctor about the odds and what your expectations should be going into this. My doctor warned me that it could take at least a year or more due to my PCOS, which actually helped me manage and deal with my disappointment when it didn't work. It was a long year of trying and has been a bit of a rocky pregnancy, including 7 weeks of bed rest for pre-term labor, but totally worth every moment. So good luck to any of you starting this journey, I wish you great success.
  • Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
    Ladiinwaiting, I also spent the extra to see extended profile and childhood pictures. I pretty well knew what I was looking for so that helped me a lot. I did my clomid last week and go in to day for a follicle count and to see how the clomid worked for me! Prayers please guys!!
  • Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
    Hey guys! Not sure if anyone is still reading this but it worked on the first try!!!! EDD in January!
  • mmaormmaor Posts: 13
    Congratulations!!!!! My name is Michelle and I am 41 years old. I am also a single mother by choice. I got pregnant after 5 IUIs and have an amazing little baby boy. He is now 1 1/2 years old and is simply the love of my life. I never thought I would still be single at 41.

    I feel so empowered for making this choice and everyone has been SO SUPPORTIVE! People of all ages, religions and world views. I have not met anyone who has made any negative comments (to my face).

    When it's time for me to tell my son, I will tell him the truth. For better or worse, that is his story. He came from a place of love, and is being raised from a place of love.

    I wish you all the best of luck!
  • CUBuffsGirlCUBuffsGirl Posts: 1
    Hi. Thank you for starting this post. Tonight is the first time I have looked at donors. I will be 41 on Thursday and like others have said, I never thought I would still be single or this is how I would create my family.
    I started with the RE in April and I am on meds since my ovaries are older than I am and the RE said there is a slim chance I will get pregnant but I am going to try and pray.
    I wouldn't say I will be a single mother by choice, I pray for Mr. Right but he hasn't shown up. I hope everyone is able to conceive a healthy, beautiful baby and create their family.
  • bananaslugbananaslug Posts: 1
    Hi everyone.
    What a great post!
    I made this decision a few weeks ago, and after going through all the tests with my doctor (who is simply awesome), he told me, "guess what kid? You're average!" It was the best news I've ever heard. (I have just as good a chance as any woman my age) :)

    I'm trying to make a final decision on a donor - unfortunately for me, I am a little limited in what I can use because of health factors, and I want an open donor, but I have narrowed it down to one donor here and one at another bank.

    I place my order tomorrow and my first attempt will be soon! Wish me luck!
  • subecrnsubecrn Posts: 4
    I will be a single mother by choice. I'm 40 and never thought I would be at this point in my life. I may never get married but I want a kid. My friends and family have been very supportive and the very few people that have had disparaging comments are no longer a part of my life. When choosing my donor, I picked someone with similar coloring to me and my family as well as similar height (we are tall people). I picked someone that I have similar interests and that I felt like I would date. I was also told that I would have a difficult time getting pregnant because of my age so I did some research. I changed my diet, started doing yoga and meditating, and also started receiving acupuncture. I wanted one unmedicated try. I am so very fortunate that I got pregnant on the first try without medication. I am currently 21 weeks with boy/girl twins. I'm very excited, but definitely surprised by the twins. Best wishes to all of you! It will certainly be a journey but one that I am excited to be taking.
  • Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
    Prayers for you CUBuffsgirl. It is definitely scary and I'm not gonna say I'm not terrified. Especially with no family living near me. But I think I'll be okay and ha E a good support system of close friends around. A day at a time is all I can do! Prayers to you all!
  • shelleyhamshelleyham Posts: 16
    CUBuffsGril -

    I'm also 41 and just started the process, and I live in Colorado. Would love to exchange e-mail addresses and share our journey here in high elevation as we work through this amazing experience. I'm hoping for August as my first IUI attempt and am going through CCRM for treatments. I'm still in the process of picking a donor, so much to consider!

    I love reading all the additional blog posts - I'll be sure to share my progress here as well as the journey starts for me. Super helpful to her that buying one vile at a time is risky if you're set on a donor, so I'll buy multiples. Unfortunate that they only buy back un-used viles at 50%, but that's still a good insurance policy.

    Sending good thoughts to those in the process - we all deserve to be happy mommies down the road given our journey!
  • Holly32Holly32 Posts: 14
    Hey guys!! Just checking in and seeing how everyone's journey is going! I am doing well at 30 weeks and expecting a girl!!!
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