Family against sperm bank...

grizgirlgrizgirl Posts: 56
in Single Mothers by Choice
Wow, I just had to vent a little. My cousin (who my mother told about my decision to be a single mother) keeps telling me it's a bad idea to use a sperm bank. She says I should just go to a bar and pick up a guy. Today was a new suggestion. She thinks I should use her ex-husband, who she left because he was an abusive ass, as a sperm donor. I'm seriously at a loss for what to say. Has anyone had any problems like this with their family? I don't want to fight with her about this and try to dodge the topic but she is texting me now about it so I'm going to have to respond.

Comments

  • kncolekncole Posts: 30
    When I told my mom, she asked why didn't I ask someone I knew. Which I did think of, but it's a lot cleaner the way we are going. Don't have to compromise on parenting issues. No legal issues. Knowledge of medical history.

    If your cousin's ex wasn't good enough for her to keep, why would you want to get involved w/ crazy?

    I would want to take the route you are not respond. But I think after the nagging I would finally be rude.

    Good luck! Keep us posted. I may need to advice once my news goes broader! :)
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Grizgirl..

    Go with the sperm bank. You can do either anonymous or open sperm donor, you get more medical history then you would in the bar. CA Cryobank will keep you up to date with the donors medical history if you tell them you had a child and more. There is no legal issues, and it is safer, since you know they went through all sorts of tests etc. Good luck and keep us posted.
  • metsfan6413metsfan6413 Posts: 74
    grizgirl,

    The most important thing to remember is that you should do what "you" want to do and what makes "you" happy. It is your decision what to do with your life/body and not your sister's. Do not feel compelled to give her an answer to suit her. This is about you and you only, please do keep that in mind. I agree with AnissaS completely ! The sperm bank is the safest way to have a baby. I would be appalled if someone suggested to just randomly pick someone up in a bar, especially with all the different diseases out there, not only putting your health at risk, but look at the legal issues as well! with a sperm bank you dont have to worry about that.. I would not get into a discussion regarding this regardless if she is texting you now.. its "your" life and you need to surround yourself with positive and supportive people (family or not) hope this helps you ! :)
  • metsfan6413metsfan6413 Posts: 74
    sorry meant cousin not sister ... :)
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    I didn't have any family that was extremely opposed to the idea (although only my mom and sisters and 3 close friends even knew I was trying before I got preg. So after the fact, what could they say?). However, a lot of them did have questions. I would say you just need to explain the process and the medical history you receive. Explain to her your thought process in picking a donor as opposed to a random at the bar or her ex. I got those questions too. I just explained that I didn't want to share my baby with someone who was possibly crazy and had horrible medical issues. One of my best friends is a guy. We have been friends for over 20 years. He and I talked about me using his sperm and sharing custody. I got that questions A LOT!!! "Why didn't you ask Michael?" I just explained that we dicussed it and decided it was best not to go that route. Honestly, I would have loved to use his sperm, but he was more hesitant than I was. He comes from a much more conservative family. Basically, my experience has taught me that a little education goes a long way. My family had no idea that I got pictures, medical history, information on donor siblings, interviews, etc. Once I explained everything, they understood much better. And if they don't agree after an honest and frank discussion, I would take the old "well, I guess you will never use a sperm bank, but I am happy with my decision" route and agree to disagree about it.
  • grizgirlgrizgirl Posts: 56
    Thanks for the support ladies! I'm totally at ease with my decision to use a sperm bank. I actually had to defend my choice of an out of town bank to my obgyn and wouldn't let them talk me out of it. They like the convenience of using the one in town but I'm not as comfortable with their reputation.

    I appreciate all of the advice. I think you're right, if it comes up again I'll explain that there is all kinds of information provided. If that doesn't stop it I'll just ignore her. It really is wonderful having you all for support!
  • metsfan6413metsfan6413 Posts: 74
    thats what we are here for, to give
    support !..you'll be fine, don't worry about it :)
  • AuntieNicAuntieNic Posts: 12
    Ignore them.

    Yes, it's definitely cheaper to go to a bar and pick someone up, but to be honest with you, I think that's pretty gross.. And I've had a few one night stands.

    You don't have to explain your choice to anyone, but if you break it down to them, and explain how they select the donors, how they supply you with as much info as possible, I'd think they'd understand..

    I had my daughter in February, and I haven't had many questions, nor did, about my choice.. Except for the fact that my grandmother always says things about Dad 0000.. I've told her to knock it off several times.

    Anywho.. I'm happy with my decision. If someone has a contradicting opinion Ill tell them where to go. The only ones who have asked questions are my family and my daughters pediatrician.
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    AuntieNic my family is like that to. They support my decision and think it is great. My brothers think it is funny to call my son's father Turk E Baster. or just Turk. I have told them they need to cut it out but it is semi funny.

    As Aunt Nic says I have more medical history than you can imagine from a random person or even a guy I know. Good luck in your decision.
  • gauthhngauthhn Posts: 8
    I am extremely close to my big sister. She and her husband divorced after their first child. They now live together and have had two more children. For years I helped her raise her kids and defended her choice to not to re-marry her x... I was shocked when I asked for her support in choosing single motherhood when she lectured me about how "selfish" I was to want a baby and not give it a father-


    I was hurt but calmly explained to my sister that I was not asking her to agree with my choices or for her permission - I was asking for her to support me because she loves me. And if she could not do that then she isn't welcome in my life. I also made it very clear that my relationship with her children was NOT changing. I still saw them almost everyday - I simply did not give my sister any personal details into my life---we only talked about her children.

    After a few months my sister missed me enough to apologize - not or her opinion but because she was out of line. You have to set the boundaries - people will respect you for it- also setting a boundary does not men starting a war!

    Today my sister and i still don't really talk abt my attempts to get pregnant but I have realized it is not because of any shame on my part but because of a lot of guilt she caries from her own choices in becoming a mother - (she tricked her husband into conceiving their first child)

    If people can't support you - that's their failing not yours! Loving people when they disappoint you is vey hard - but you are a better person for it.
  • grizgirlgrizgirl Posts: 56
    So I wound up getting stuck on the phone with my cousin a couple days later. She tried to back pedal saying she just meant I should look for someone with a german ancestry. Then she'd talk like she meant I should use her ex.

    I did like you all suggested and explained that there are extensive medical histories and I can even see childhood pictures. Hopefully that's the end of that.

    My family I live closest to is on board, friends too. I haven't told my grandma yet. I figured I'd wait until I'm pregnant because she's kind of confused a lot.

    My brother's girlfriend hasn't said she has a problem with it but I'm sure it'll happen. She was trying to get me to sign up for christian mingle the other day. Lol.

    Turk E. Baster! Lol!

    Thank you everyone for your advice and stories. It's so great to have you all!
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