Dating

SeattleSuzSeattleSuz Posts: 42
in Single Mothers by Choice
Wondering how other women have handled dating while going through this process? I have a date later this week and since I didn't get pregnant after last IUI it obviously makes it easier-- ie I'll be able to have a drink-- but I have no idea how to approach it all. I'm definitely not sharing anything on a first date...but...any advice or guidance?

Comments

  • juliazjuliaz Posts: 2
    Hi SeattleSuz!

    I can't help give you any advice, but I was wondering the same thing! I'm looking at my first IUI at the end of September sometime, and (of course) just started some email conversation with a guy from match.com. Strange how life works, isn't it?
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    That is a great question. For the time being I'm swearing off men..and now they are coming out of the woodworks! LOL! I don't want to get sidetracked and put it off any longer. I def would not bring it up on the first date. I don't think I'd bring it up unless things started to get serious...IDK what I'd do until I'm in that situation. but I'd love to hear what other women have done in the same situation.
  • AggieDeAggieDe Posts: 32
    Wow, I'm so glad that I'm not the only one having questions about this situation. I will start my 1st IUI mid September as well and have sworn off men. Tired of the wait for the "perfect man" and I don't have time anymore! I don't even know about dating right now and was planning on just not doing it. Would love some suggestions.

    And thanks ladies for sharing. Good luck in this awkward and yet SO exciting process!
  • SeattleSuzSeattleSuz Posts: 42
    Yea, I'm trying to still live my life and be open to love...but it definitely complicates things! I'm thinking to just approach it one day at a time. I shut down my match account the weekend I had first IUI, but this was one last guy I communicated with just in case :) First date is Monday and I'm not bringing anything up, but if we end up going out more I will need to share. juliaz, melissaprestwood and AggieDe, keep me posted!
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    It is crazy. I was asked out by an old friend this past Friday...I don't know if it will happen. Def share if you end up dating him and how that conversation goes.
    I think if I do end up going out with this guy, it will make it a little easier because we are old friends, he is divorced and has teenage children so he probably doesn't want any more babies. And he def sees that I'm not looking for a baby daddy. LOL.

    Good luck!
  • austingurlaustingurl Posts: 202
    Well, I actually met a guy in the middle of this process. We met through work and became friends. He lives about 3 hours from me, so we just talked and texted a lot. We hung out a few times when I had to travel to his area on business. Things were starting to get interesting, and I had no idea how to tell him I was in the middle of fertility treatments. But one night, he mentioned he would like to have at least 1 more child (he has 3), and asked me about my views on children/family. I just came out with it. We had probably been building up to something for about 3 months at that point. He was super amazing about it, and said he understood the drive to have children since he felt strongly about it too. When I became pregnant in May, he was the first I told and was very excited for me. Don't get me wrong, it was awkward for a while. I don't think he liked the idea of dating someone who was pregnant by another man. I mean, what would happen when I met his family and such? But we talked about it and decided to keep talking to each other. Then I miscarried and he was so amazing. He actually mentioned that if I tried again, he would like to be the donor. We had been "dating" about 6 months at that point, but like I said he lives hours away so we had only been around each other about once a month. That made me nervous. So, we talked about it and even discussed how it would work. But, we decided not to go that route at that time. I guess, really, I decided not to go that route if I am honest. I was just nervous about the timing of things since he was so far away, and we had only been around each other a few times. We talked daily, but is that really enough to commit to having this person be in your life forever as the father of your child? He said he understood my feeling, and we agreed I would use my last vial of sperm. If that did not work, we would revisit the idea of having a baby together. It did work so we never went there again. But, he is still very supportive. We talk everyday and he asks me how I am doing. We have kinda put the relationship on hold for several reasons...he is in firefighter school and then going to EMT school plus he works full time and has 3 children. I work a full time and part time job and am pregnant. And we live far apart so finding time to get together was difficult. I think me getting pregnant by someone else played into that, but I don't regret my decision. So, long story short, I found being honest about why I am going this route, talking about it, and waiting a few months worked for me in a way. I got a really good friend out of it if nothing else, and we will revisit our relationship once he finishes school. Basically, you will know when the time if right to tell someone if you are dating them. It will feel right.
  • dizzyblue44dizzyblue44 Posts: 10
    austingurl, I completely agree with you and found myself in a similar situation. I'd decided this plan for myself about a year before being able to do anything about it, I then started talking to a guy and we really hit it off. I was very hesitant to tell him this bit of information because I thought it would scare him off. When I finally worked up the nerve to tell him, though shocked at first he was & has been completely supportive of my decision.
    I've had 4 failed IUI's now and he's been very supportive throughout each one. I've switched donors now and should be having my 5th attempt at the end of the month. Congratulations on your BFP btw!!!! :)
  • SeattleSuzSeattleSuz Posts: 42
    I love hearing this stories so keep us posted :) The date I was supposed to have last night cancelled about 4 hours prior, and basically said he dropped off of match because he didn't feel he could effectively make time for dating...and he thought this week would work for meeting me but things are just too crazy right now. SOOO- honest response and a little surprising, but probably wasn't meant to be for me trying to get pregnant now anyway. I have IUI #2 within next few days so I have plenty to focus on :)
  • AggieDeAggieDe Posts: 32
    Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences. It makes me realize that I am sane and not loosing my marbles. The emotional stress of dating during this time is so challenging. I have known for several years that I would do the IUI alone if God didn't bring the man into my life that I was supposed to marry and have kids with. I have always been open with people I have dated, fairly early on, if I saw a possibility of a relationship.

    I had actually been dating someone over the last 15 months, somewhat seriously at first, then took a three month break and recently we were talking again but I wasn't set on him being "the one." I recently broke it off totally because he was uncomfortable with the donor process and didn't approve of my choice to use an anonymous donor vs him. We discussed it at length and I gave him the option to get tested to see if he could even be the donor but he never made the choice to do that on his own and I refused to force him. That's no way to get a donor! When I told him that I was proceeding with the insemination without him, he was shocked. It was a sad day because he was a good guy but in the end, I know in my heart that he would not have been the best option.

    I'm settled in my decision with my donor but dating is so hard. I really think that I should just focus on being happy and healthy alone for the process and know that when God sees fit to bring an awesome man into my life, that he will and it will be right.

    I will do my 1st IUI attempt next week sometime. I start my LH tests on Sunday! So excited....and SO nervous!

    Good luck on IUI#2 SeattleSuz and Dizzyblue44 you have an awesome guy! Austingurl, thanks for your honesty and I'm glad you got a good friend. I had hoped for that but it just didn't pan out. And I concur...you will know when the time is right to bring up the topic.

    Hang in there girls!
  • jaimecjaimec Posts: 329
    I actually started dating someone when I was 6 weeks pregnant. He isan acquaintance and when he asked me out I immediately told him I was preg. We talked and it doesn't bother him. Unfortunately, I miscarried at 3 months. He was incredibly supportive and I have started the process again. It is probably more weird for me than him!
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    So I hung out with a guy last night that I'm interested in dating...and we were friends in high school, but haven't seen eachother in years. It just came out during a 4 hour conversation and he is a little freaked out because he has never known someone to have a child from AI, but he seems cool with it. He is divorced, has teenage children and I explained to him that it really takes the pressure off of both of us. There is no feeling of needing to rush, and there is no baby daddy drama and obviously I'm not looking for a baby daddy or someone to support me. So he seems pretty cool with it. He knows exactly when my appointments are and even said ok well we will have a long night of drinking and partying for one last hoorah since you won't be able to drink with me for a while. LOL.

    And his first response actually when I told him was "have you seen the Jennifer Lopez movie?...Wellllllll" hahaha!
  • SkylarkingSLPSkylarkingSLP Posts: 3
    I felt very weird dating when I was pregnant. I did go on one blind date, and thankfully, I didn't like him anyway! LOL

    I decided not to date or get involved with anyone for the rest of my pregnancy. My daughter is now 17 months and I just think it would be unfair to split my focus with a romantic interest at this point. My daughter needs my full attention. Perhaps things will change when she gets a bit older.
  • PKarenPKaren Posts: 40
    GOOD QUESTION!! I had a guy asking me out for months but I would never go becuase I was in the process of trying to get preganant and didnt think it would be fair to him and also didnt want to share my personal life with someone I didnt really know well but finally I just came out and told him "Im trying to have a baby on my own" he said "and why does that mean you cang go out with me" lol... so we went out and he is very supportive of what I'm doing! Be upfront with them so there are no surprises and if hes a good guy he wont care!! Depending on your age (i'm 41)there arent many women/men without kids so most men my age don't blink and eye with what Im doing. GOOD LUCK!!
  • AggieDeAggieDe Posts: 32
    I just found out that my 1st IUI worked and I am SO excited! Unfortunately it does throw a little bit of a monkey wrench into the dating. My best friend set me up with a friend of her boyfriends before I knew that I had a BFP. We talked for a couple of weeks and had a double date. We hit it off amazingly and I decided to be honest. It was such a shock to me how accepting and excited he was for me. He actually told me that he wasn't going anywhere, would love to continue to get to know me but that I needed to focus on growing this baby good, strong and healthy and to not worry about what any man might think. It was such a relief to have it out there. I have to agree that honesty is the best policy and if they aren't accepting, then they might not be the right person to have in your life.

    Happy Dating!
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    CONGRATULATIONS AggieDe!!!! That is amazing! And hopefully he is someone that will be very supportive.
    I've been talking to the same guy for about a month now, I had my initial consultation Friday and he stayed on the phone with me all thursday night talking to me because I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep. Then after my appointment he came over and kept me company while I talked everything out. He told me that if it makes me happy, he is happy for me and will be supportive the whole way.

    You are so right, if they don't accept it, they aren't the right one.
  • AggieDeAggieDe Posts: 32
    Melissa...thanks so much! I'm super excited. And I'm happy to hear that you have that support from this guy. That is awesome that he is being so strong and caring. You really need that right now. Take all of the strength and positive vibes that he gives you and run those nerves out of town. He apparently cares and is good with your decision if he is sticking by your side right now. Enjoy having a strong shoulder to lean on.

    I am so excited that I found someone supportive, whether it ends up being more or not. The joy I saw in his face when I told him just made my heart smile and that is what it's about. I even cut ties and all contact with an ex that was negative and unsupportive because I didn't want to deal with his stress. This little bean needs all the positive and happy thoughts to be healthy. None of us have time for the negative nellies out there.

    Good luck and keep us up to date!!!
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    I completely agree!!!!

    If anyone would like to friend me on facebook, I'd be happy to accept and chat anytime.

    melissa prestwood
    louisiana
  • AggieDeAggieDe Posts: 32
    I reckon that I need to get back on facebook to share this great news and adventure! I haven't had FB for a long time now :)

    Until that time...feel free to contact me via email at AggieDe96@yahoo.com.
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