Doubt/Full of emotions

ispiesispies Posts: 12
in Single Mothers by Choice
Let's face it most of us are doing this plan because we have not found that Mr. Right or maybe that is just me. I was all set with my plan on set and excited about it. But today well in the last few days I just have been so emotional and full of doubt and I am not even taking my hormones medicine yet just had the hystrosonagram. Does anyone else have this I am so full of emotions and just don't know what to do or where to turn. I am not trying to be negative on this board really I am not --- I just don't know who to talk to ????

Thank you for all listening

Comments

  • eeh876eeh876 Posts: 168
    ispies-

    There is a big difference between negativity and honesty- and being honest with yourself is important.

    I used to worry that something was wrong with me because my emotions seemed so complicated- why wasn't I 100% gung ho excited like everyone else seemed to be? I think most of us are a little scared and a little sad because we are embarking on something HUGE and the process is sometimes lonely.

    And hopefully it will take for you the first time, but if you are like most of us, it will take longer. My next try will be my 5th (first medicated) and I'm exhausted (I took this month off, and will start the new year fresh).

    So the moral of the story? I want this. Mr. Right might pop up someday, and I'll be ready for him when he comes. My clock won't wait however. I'm a teacher, and a few years back I talked to a school parent about all this. She said to imagine I am old and gray. Will I look back on this time and regret not having a child when I still could? I knew the answer was yes, so here I am, fears and all. And I think I'll be a better parent because I have been as honest with myself as possible about how crazy, insane, and beautiful this all is.

    Sorry. Long post, but I sooooo understand where you are right now. If you need to talk to someone else, try locating a Single Mothers By Choice chapter near you, or chat with a counselor (I'm thinking about doing that again myself). Or if you want, we can chat- let me know if you want to exchange emails. :-)

    Good luck, hon.
  • ispiesispies Posts: 12
    eeh876

    THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! You don't know how that helped. I am as you said hoping that it will take on the first time but am realistic about it all if you know what I mean. Maybe it is because I am turning 35 in a day and so thought I would be somewhere else right now married and on and on ya know. But you are correct in 30 years if I look back I will wonder why I did not do it NOW!!!!! And if that person is Mr. Right then he will accept me with children too or else he is not Mr. Right.

    Actually I am in counseling already because I have been in an abusive relationships in the past, and I have a son with special needs and well that is all stressful ya know. SO you don't know how much you helped and that is a great idea about the Single Mothers by Choice chapter
  • kaylababykaylababy Posts: 71
    I feel your pain. I have always wanted to be a mom. I can't imagine my life not being a mom. I'm 41 and currently single. I can't wait around anymore for THE guy. This whole experience is incredibly frustrating. Two of my sisters know I'm doing this but no one else. They've gone to the Drs with me and are SOOO supportive. I could not be doing this without their help. But, even with all their help, I'm still doing it alone and that makes me so sad. eeh, you are so right in saying that it feels very lonely.

    I'm starting to feel less and less optimistic about this working for me. I've had 3 unsuccessful IUIs with Clomid, one unsuccessful try with injectables and am on day 2 of the next round of injectables. I'm thinking my next IUI will be somewhere around Dec 22-24. So if there is a Santa, that's what I'm asking him for this year. Nothing else, just a BFP.

    Where are you both in the process?

    I wish you both the best of luck on this journey!!
  • eeh876eeh876 Posts: 168
    Hey ladies!

    ispies- glad it helped. I wish I had known that other people had those fears when I started out, too. A blog I like is Creating Motherhood. She is super honest about her situation. And she has a toddler now, so there's a happy ending. I started at the beginning and have been reading towards the present.

    kaylababy- I am 35. I have told my family, a handful of friends, and a handful of my work friends, including my Kindergarten teaching team. I feel super supported, but it is hard for them to know where I am coming from sometimes.

    I have had 4 unmedicated IUIs. This cycle I am moving on to Clomid. I wish I had started earlier with Clomid, but live and learn, right? I took this last month off, and am looking to start this round around the time you go in for your IUI. A good round is what I'm asking Santa for too. Pregnancy is my New Year's resolution. ;-)

    Luck, luck, luck to all of us! Keep me posted ladies, and ispies, we're here if you need anything.
  • cc2011cc2011 Posts: 49
    I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I was so excited when I first decided that I was ready to have a baby. But even so, I wish I had "Mr. Right" to go through it all with me. I get so jealous of the women who have someone in the journey with them.

    My sister is totally supportive, and since her and her husband spent 6 years trying to conceive, she's been through a lot of what I'm going through now with medication and IUIs. They had even tried IVF, but ended up conceiving on their own twice after all that.

    Some of my friends don't really understand the pull to become a mother and how it outweighs the need to have a significant other first. But the people who really understand me are my family and having my own family is the biggest pull. I have an awesome family that any child would benefit from being a part of.
  • nrileynriley Posts: 123
    Kaylababy, I'm right there with you at 41 and 4 failed IUIs. I really want to move ahead with another insemination or possibly IVF but I have exhausted all my funding options and my insurance doesn't cover any of it. It's so frustrating especially when I feel like I'm out of time.
  • kaylababykaylababy Posts: 71
    nriley, that is exactly how I feel - like I run out of time. It's a terrible feeling of desperation at this point. I'm going in for the 5th IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday. I feel so much pressure with this one b/c it's most likely the last. I really don't know if I'll try again. My insurance doesn't cover any of the medications and the injectables are expensive. I'm thinking the money would be better spent on the adoption process.
  • jaimecjaimec Posts: 329
    I am in the exact same position right now! My first IUI is tomorrow and suddenly I am wondering if I can do this on my own (I have tons of family support but no Mr. Right).
    I was also incredibly excited when I first made this decision and now, a month later, I am filled with doubt. But I am trusting my first instinct.
  • kaylababykaylababy Posts: 71
    I have an IUI tomorrow too!! We will be in EXACTLY the same two week wait. Good luck jaimec!!! Baby dust and all that good stuff!!!! Keep me posted.
  • jaimecjaimec Posts: 329
    Good luck to you too kaylababy!
  • kaylababykaylababy Posts: 71
    jaimec,
    How'd it go today?
  • jaimecjaimec Posts: 329
    kaylababy - sorry, I haven't made it online for a few days.....my IUI went well, a lot quicker than I imagined. how was yours?
  • kaylababykaylababy Posts: 71
    Jaimec - the holidays have been a nice distraction. My IUI went well. It's a pretty easy procedure. Just lay there and let the Dr do the work. We'll know for sure how well it went by next Wednesday.

    Hang in there during the 2nd half of the 2WW.
  • MuzaMuza Posts: 27
    I am doing my first IUI tomorrow, I hope. I am totally alone in this, as I could only share this with a few close friends but they are in other states and abroad. My mom is super supportive and would hold my hand, if she did not live 6000 miles away... I hope everything works out. And if not, I know I tried. Good to read about your experiences -- thanks! It really helps.

    For some reason, I am not comfortable telling people about conceiving through the sperm bank -- does anyone have that problem? What to do if I get pregnant when it starts showing, and there will be lots of questioning out there?
  • GiftsofJoyGiftsofJoy Posts: 35
    Congrats on your first IUI. I will have my 5th and prayerfully successful and final one tomorrow.

    I understand your situation. I too have contemplated on what to tell people. ONLY my closest friends know about using a sperm donor. The rest know that I am dating and "think" that I am trying to get pregnant with that person. Not the case. He and I are not intimate...but that is not their business anyhow.

    My close friend told me that there is no need to disclose your chose of method to get pregnant. It's personal, but if compeled to answer she suggests saying that the father is not involved. Heck their are millions of fathers that are not involved in their child's life. WE just have made a conscious effort to do this ourseleves.

    I pray and wish you the best.

    *pardon any typos* I'm too lazy to edit.



    ~GiftsofJoy
  • jaimecjaimec Posts: 329
    kaylababy - I go in on Thursday for the blood draw and will get a phone call with the results on Friday....the holidays have been a great distraction so I don't know how to make this next week go by quickly!
  • kaylababykaylababy Posts: 71
    jaimec - I go to Drs tomorrow for bloodwork and ultrasound. Because I used injectables this month, I get an ultrasound to make sure I haven't developed OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) I'm not feeling over stimulated down there so I'm sure all is well.

    Telling people....I don't want to tell people that I've used a sperm bank but I also don't want people thinking I got knocked up by some guy. I'm very private so I don't want to say too much. I know I don't owe anyone except my family an explanation. If this last IUI works I'm going to need to come up with a good response that I'm comfortable with.
  • eeh876eeh876 Posts: 168
    Good luck, jaimec, kaylababy, Giftsofjoy, and Muza!

    I also get a bit squeamish about coming out and saying that I "went to the bank for a deposit", but I'm getting better at it. I thought I was only going to tell a small group of folks before I got pregnant, but now that I am going on my 5th IUI, I've told quite a few people (I have a big mouth).

    I've found that most people fill in the blanks for themselves. They know I'm single, and they know I have wanted a child forever, and have long thought about doing it alone if I had to. Most actually assume I'm using a donor. I have found that many people are curious about my journey, and are super supportive of all parts of my story.

    Once I do get pregnant, I plan on just being forthcoming about everything in general. I was scared of people's opinions (aka judgement) at first, but I have been blessed with lots of understanding and love so far.

    Everyone has a different level of personal privacy/ disclosure, for sure. Muza, if your trepidation comes partly from a fear on other people's opinions (like mine did), I say give them a shot. Hopefully most people won't be phased at all, and those that aren't on your side will be few and far between.

    Sorry to spend so long up on my soapbox. It is definitely a tricky subject. Good luck however you choose to approach it!
  • hcharesthcharest Posts: 6
    Wow it's so great to read all of these responses. It's great to know that there are others having the same desires and emotions. I am just now actually beginning to take the temp to try to have a child. I haven't picked a donor or figured out if I will try alone at home or what. Needless to say my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I do know that even though it seems hard and crazy sometimes I am meant to be a mom and that I have to try and work toward that no matter if I am single or married.

    Best of luck to everyone
    H
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