Question for Christian Singles

mimibethmimibeth Posts: 35
in Single Mothers by Choice
Alright, I realize all of us single women are in the same boat, although we all have different beliefs and opinions. My question is to the single women who have a strong belief in and relationship with God, and really had planned to "wait on God" for the "right husband", etc. The question is, "Have you struggled with the 'rightness' of doing IUI alone?" I have already purchased many vials, so I'm doing this. However, I can't help but wonder at times if I am being so completely selfish, and going against God's way of doing things. I mean, He ordained marriage then children. Good Christian men DO play a VERY important role in the development of their children. I have this twinge of guilt that I am going to bring fatherless children in to this world---on purpose, not even on accident! I really don't need smarty pants comments from anyone. I just really want to hear from other Christian women who have had to sort through this in their own minds. There is nobody around me who is dealing with it, so the people who I am close to just say, "Well, maybe it is selfish, but you deserve to be happy." or "Of course it isn't selfish! You and your support network have so much to offer!" My pastor has mixed feelings, but he is supportive even though he admits he doesn't know the answer, but understands my deep desire to parent. I just want to hear from other women who have had this struggle.
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Comments

  • danimoni70danimoni70 Posts: 19
    Mimibeth,

    Thank you for having the courage to post your inner most thoughts. Thank you for starting this authentic dialogue. I classify myself as a Christian. I'm not the most religious person but I do have a relationship with God. In having this relationship with God, I know that his love is so great; he has given us free will and the desire to dream.

    In this aspect of free will, we are given the opportunity to make decisions that are right for us, right for our family and right for the lessons that are to be learned. As I came to my decision to become a single mother, I thought to myself, "if I decide to do this without a husband, am I being impatient or disobedient?" I posed this question not only to myself but also to my heavenly father. As I listened with my heart, I remembered how God honors the desires of your heart. I was reminded of the stories of how Mary became pregnant in an unorthodox way, I thought of how great people and extraordinary events occur in the most unlikely places. I came to understand that there is no right path to motherhood--and that the only thing one can work on is to be true to yourself, love unconditionally and grow from your mistakes.

    I think that Christianity at times operates as a religion that if you don't follow the "rules" that God has set forth you are wayward, disobedient and not favored. But what I know, I serve an awesome God--one who loves so abundantly that he sees beauty in the imperfect and allows amazing stories to be told to demonstrate that he is the creator; and miracles are possible.

    So, if you desire to be a parent, then do it! Make a commitment to your child that you will be the best protector, nurturer and example of love and kindness. God does not make any mistakes with whom he allows to come into this world. It is we--small-minded people who label what is justifiable or normal. Jesus was a radical, showing people that God is their father, and with grace the kingdom of heaven could be there’s. Live as Jesus did, not to the beat of what the high scripture folks said is right but what God the father has ordained. If you follow that path I have no doubt that you will have peace, understanding and feel empowered to move towards your journey of motherhood!

    As Billie Holiday once sang, “God bless the child who got his own!”
  • kbartkbart Posts: 36
    Wow! I have struggled with this too through my journey the past couple of years. I don't know much else to say that hasn't already been said. I especially have a hard time dealing with the part about bringing a child into the world fatherless and on purpose too! I go back and forth with this. I gave myself the past two years the option of finding a husband to do it....the old fashioned way...if you will. Well, that didn't happen!

    But I think that God would really want me to be happy and not just to find any guy to have a baby with which potentially could result in bad things for me and the baby. He would want me to have a Christain father for my baby. So know I get to take my time and find the perfect husband....no rushing into a mistake! I really do think God would be o.k. with me being single because he knows that my baby will grow up knowing him and his love. I think that he understands. He knows how much of a great parent (at least with the love part) i'll be. I know i'm not a 100 percent perfect! I may need help teaching my child baseball and things like that that I may not be well at! I'll have time to find a male role model!

    I know that there will be times that this will be extremely hard being single and doing this all by myself. But I do know that God will get me through it! I feel that for me to even have this option of having a biological child through CCB is a gift! I feel that he allowed this miracle of CCB's existance to happen for people like me! He's giving me a shot at motherhood that I may not have had.

    I'm at the point in my life where I am taking control of my life by doing this but yet at the same time I know that God will have a hand in it! I know in the end it will be God that will have a hand in my actually "getting" pregnant. I often remember the words from the Carrie Underwood song "Jesus take the Wheel!" I'm doing all I can but God will still help me... single or not. Maybe God allowed me to be childless all those years in my marriage so I could have my baby (with the help of CCB) to come! I'm sticking with that!!!! :-) I know that God will Bless us all in our journeys!

    I hope I helped! At least these are my thoughts!
  • kbartkbart Posts: 36
    sorry about he typo's. I was typing too fast and forgot to re-read it!
  • kbartkbart Posts: 36
    aaah...another typo...
  • hannahahannaha Posts: 71
    I'm Buddhist at heart. All my life, I never think that I will do IUI with a sperm bank to have a baby. I always to want adopt a kid since I was 18.

    However, by fate, here I am. I just did my first IUI (01/28/09) when I was a virgin at 40 at that time.

    My mom is very traditional. She prays two times everyday and very support me. She told me that I should do IUI 5 or 6 years ago (34 0 35).

    I'm very happy with this choice and believe that God bless us all on whatever decisions we made from our sincerely hearts and great efforts.
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    Thank-you so much for all of your posts ladies, Thank-you mimibeth for being brave enough to post this question on here. danimoni70 and kbart- everything you said was exactly what I needed to hear right now and I agree wholeheartedly. We may not enter into parenthood in the traditional way but God has plans for all of us and I also truly believed He already has our children picked out for us and some kids come to us in unexpected ways. I also believe that our children choose us too. I too came to this choice when I realized that trying to find a man quickly just to have a child was the wrong decesion. I'm waiting for the right guy for me, the one God has chosen, even if he's not the bio father of my first child. Love your children as He has loved you that is what is of most importance, no matter how our children come to us. And there is no perfect family, or time, or situation. But I truly believe love and faith will guide us through it all. I am actually a buddhist- christian, untraditional in that way too. :) Blessings to all of you ladies. Nicole
  • mimibethmimibeth Posts: 35
    Thank you all for posting. There really aren't too many topics like this on here, but I kept looking for the past few months and finally knew I needed to make a post about it. I was beginning to wonder if it was just me trying to find peace with it all---ultimately wanting to do things "the right way". Your posts have been comforting to me. Not that I have no more wonder, but just knowing that I am not the only one who has struggled with it. So thanks so much. It already feels a little better just to know you all have considered it all and are still taking that step.

    Mary
  • LydiaLydia Posts: 29
    I have been wondering this myself. I had been trying to search the Bible to make sure that it is not a form of adultery (obviously not, I'm not married) or fornication. I am afraid of asking about this with other Christians in regular life, as some of them have strong opinions against it, and this makes a real discussion difficult.

    On one hand, I deep down feel that doing this is not sinning, but then I have these other mental conflicts that makes me wonder if I am by doing this.

    I have looked in the Bible to make sure, but I sometimes wonder if I am reading it wrong and/or not listening to the HS.
  • mimibethmimibeth Posts: 35
    Lydia,

    Looks like there are a few of us in the same boat. Even though I started this endeavor in October of last year, talked with my pastor, my family, and my friends, I still have the mental conflicts, too.

    I can't think of anything in the Bible warning us against anything like this, but at the same time, as Christians we are taught to understand that a man should leave his parents and become one with a wife. Then God blesses them with children and they all live happily ever after. But I don't hear a lot about having children in the Bible. There are some things, but not much of detail. The message I get most from the Bible is to seek God, walk in the fruit of his Holy Spirit, and love and show grace to others as grace is given to us through the shed blood of Jesus Christ.

    But in the Christian community, many have not gotten out of the old testiment----laws and judgement and punishment. Although they talk about Jesus dying for us, and can say that grace abounds, many still don't really KNOW that and live that and give that to others. I'm sure much can be attributed to their pastors not bringing that out much, but are we under the law or grace? If we believe in Jesus' death for our sins, then we are under grace and the law is void. That is not to say we do not follow the ways of God----definately not saying that! But there must be a place for us to make a decision to the best of our ability and be covered by the grace of God if we don't get it right! Isn't that what its all about? If we can't depend on the grace of God to cover us when we "step out on faith not knowing exactly what to do but believing", then we have nothing as Christians.

    So even though I still struggle, I do have that (what I wrote above). I am dreading (dread is fear!) facing the Christian community because I know some of them are still rooted in the old testament law, regardless of their naming the name of Jesus. But I realize once I'm holding the baby I'm not going to be bothered by that in my mind any longer I hope. My family and friends (the majority being Christians) are extremely supportive because they want me to be happy and know me well enough to know that the child will be loved and surrounded by people who love and support me and the babies to be.

    I just have to believe that if I make a choice that doesn't line up with God's will, He is a loving God, and knows I am not doing this with the motive to harm someone, but out of a motive to love and give and parent---as well as being more fulfilled and happy. His grace will cover us.

    Mary
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    I have also struggled with this very issue... trying to have children the way "normal" people do... and then I realize that I'm just as "normal" as anyone else on this earth. I believe that God allows children on this earth.. how they come is not usually up to us but He does keeps his eyes on them all.

    I have tried to wait and be married to have children... I will be 46 in July. I believe I am meant to be a parent... and while it would have been nice to have a earthly partner in all of this, I do have the best one until a one comes along... if one ever does. And I am happy enough to have faith He will help me have and raise my children... and that's good enough for me.
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    I have also struggled with this very issue... trying to have children the way "normal" people do... and then I realize that I'm just as "normal" as anyone else on this earth. I believe that God allows children on this earth.. how they come is not usually up to us but He does keeps his eyes on them all.

    I have tried to wait and be married to have children... I will be 46 in July. I believe I am meant to be a parent... and while it would have been nice to have a earthly partner in all of this, I do have the best one until one comes along... if one ever does. And I am happy enough to have faith He will help me have and raise my children... and that's good enough for me.
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    Sorry about the double post... guess I feel that strongly about it!! :-)
  • HabsHabs Posts: 12
    I am a God fearing Christian woman who is not single in the sense of marriage but I'm single in the sense that my husband can not produce sperm so I'm single in my journey to have a baby. I say this to say that God is the author and finisher of all things. He is the alpha and the omega. I do believe with all my heart that God's perfect plans for each of (baby or no baby) is what is most important. I will admit that I questioned God many times as to why I have to go through this struggle with being baby-less while all of those around me (believers and non-believers) have no problem producing. I have decided to use a donor as I believe that God has provided this option for people such as me and such as you. The devil does not want your child to be produced and raised in the reverance of God so yes of course it's going to be a struggle! Put your cares aside and seek God for your answer. No pastor, husband, lover, family member or friend can answer for you whether it's right or wrong. The Lord will direct your path....just follow his lead!
  • HabsHabs Posts: 12
    To ualtigger.......

    In due season..............it will come!
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    Habs:

    Yes... and I am done waiting to have children... whoever He sends will be getting me and my kids as a package.

    And until He sends him... I still have the best partner to help me raise my kids :-)
  • bkwagnerbkwagner Posts: 3
    I am more concerned of the affordability and child care as a single parent--is that fair to the child...
  • LydiaLydia Posts: 29
    bkwagner, it can be fair if each part is thought out enough and planned.
    What the doctors have to do nowadays is refer anyone planning to be a SMC to a psychiatrist for evaluation. Not because they are nuts in doing this, but so the person's character can be discerned and to make sure they are prepared.
  • samsmomsamsmom Posts: 47
    Thank God sommeone started this! I have been struggling with this for years and have finally decided to be AI with donor sperm. I agree, that there is no one thing in the bible that is for or against. I felt and sometimes still feel disobedient and that I am outside if his will. The church I think is more accepting of single women adopting-not having natural offspring. Opinions very so widely, I think you have to rest in the decision you make and rely on God's Spirit to guide you. Psalms says children are a gift from the Lord. God does give us the desires of our hearts. I think God's peace has to be the final word in the decision. I am excited to finally have the opportunity to be a Mom!
  • kara humekara hume Posts: 13
    You are all wonderfully strong women who are sensitive and caring enough to give this important question and concern deep thought and prayer. I just wanted to add; when you do listen to your heart and that from which god is beside you in your decisions, and become pregnant as a single mother and look down upon your miracle as it truly is. Then you will know in all truth and honesty that this is gods work and it is indeed not only o.k. but meant to be.

    God Bless.

    Kara
  • amoebalaamoebala Posts: 9
    I know exactly how you feel. I was raised Catholic and although I no longer go to a Catholic church, I was surprised how conservative I became when I decided to do this. I'm 45 and waited for years for the right man who would be a good husband and potential father. For whatever reason, he hasn't come to me yet. I didn't want to lose out on the chance to have a child and at my age, the door was closing fast. I didn't tell my family because I knew what they would say and I was already have enough guilty feelings. My doctor was insisting on proceeding with IVF only because of my age. There was a moral line that I had to draw for myself, although I totally understand why others wouldn't feel the same way as I do.

    I felt that through IVF, a doctor was chosing my egg and the sperm that would be used (he wanted to actually do the procedure where a single sperm is forced into the egg). I felt that was I was doing was already unnatural enough using donor sperm. To take any hand that God had out of it wasn't right for me. At least by doing IUI I was still naturally ovulating the egg that God selected and the only difference about the sperm was that a man didn't make love to me to put it in there. Everything else about the process was left to nature.

    I thrilled to say that I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm so happy that I stuck to exactly what felt morally right for me.
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    Congratulations on your little one!! I hope to be as blessed as you are... lucky is not a word I care to use anymore. I am also 45 (to be 46 in July) and going to see my doctor on the 7th. How many cycles did you have to go through before you became pregnant? (Hope I'm not too nosy)
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    Amoebala:

    Was wondering how you're doing... hope to have my first IUI this month.
  • ZayandIZayandI Posts: 10
    Every time that I had an IUI I prayed that if it was God’s will let me become pregnant. Three times I tried and I did not. A man from church offered to donate and I did. I tried a relationship with him which did not work out. But now we have a son together. I pray that this is the way God wanted it, I just don’t see the whole picture. But I must admit I rather have had a open donor that I did not know. But I guess this is God’s will and God is good.
    When deciding to have a child on my own it was very scary…but I had to remind myself that I was not on my own… God was with me. The night I realized this he sent me a message it was Philippians’ 4:13.
    I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.
    So true…. I have been razing my son Izaha for the last year by myself and it has been 1000x more easy than I thought .( I have very little family support as everyone lives out of state but came down for the first three days.)
    God is Good.
    Now I am looking into having a sibling for my son….just looking and praying for the right donor.
    Dianne soon to be 43 and very happily blessed.
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    Philippians 4:13 is something that I always remind myself of. Becoming a SMC (Single Mom by Choice) is a daunting task but God is good and will not leave me to struggle unless it's for my good... that's how He works.
  • lawgirl5lawgirl5 Posts: 13
    Something to think about...Jesus is technically, donor conceived.
  • kbartkbart Posts: 36
    Lawgirl5......You got me smiling and laughing about your comment. I totally have never thought about it that way! :-) What a riot! That made my day! Thanks!!!!
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    lawgirl5:
    LMAO!! Girl, I never thought about it that way either... glad our kids are in good company, huh? :-)
  • joyacjoyac Posts: 1
    Hi all, I happened upon this post tonight and sure wish it would have been around last year when I was trying to get pregnant and struggling with this same issue. Even though my daughter is now 8 months old (conceived via IUI) reading this post tonight gave me just another bit of peace in my heart that my decision to have her as a SMC was the right choice for me.

    My story and how it relates to this post... after waiting like most of you for the "right one" to come along and never finding him, I got news from my doctor that due to health problems having a child was becoming a now or never situation (I was 35 at the time). So I began the journey to single motherhood. On the morning I could test of my 5th IUI cycle in 6 months I got a BFN and I was once again devastated. I drove to work that morning in tears and told myself that it was the last time because I couldn't handle getting the negatives anymore. 15 minutes down the road I hit rock bottom and decided to pull over and pray for peace and understanding. I had prayed before and after each IUI cycle for the same thing but this time it felt different. I prayed to God and basically told Him that I was turning over control to Him and that I knew that He was the only one who could change the outcome of the test. After that moment I truly felt a peace come about me and something just felt different. I've been raised in church all my life and have always prayed but this time it was just 'different'. later that day I convinced myself to test again in a couple of days even though I knew that I had tested on the correct day. I got home that afternoon and couldn't wait any longer... I tested again and got a BFP... I couldn't believe it!!!!!!! 3 home pregnancy tests later and I finally decided I needed to call my doctor and 2 days later he (again) told me I was pregnant.

    The point to my story is that God is the creator of all things and He has complete control over our lives. He CAN and WILL make this happen... in HIS time, not ours. He changed my life by giving me my little girl. She is my miracle - and everytime I look at her precious face I remember that moment in my car when I gave Him control of my situation and felt His peace... and His arms around me and my child.

    Thank you for those who posted to this thread.

    Good luck to those who are pregnant, TTC, and those thinking about TTC. It is an unbelievable feeling to see and hold what God has created and given to you!!!!!!! Don't give up hope and don't give up on God, despite what others may say to you about your choices!!!!!! It's between you and God only!!!

    (Sorry for the length! Just had to share.)
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    Girl, the length was just fine... that's how long it took to tell your story.

    As for me, I thank God for the BFN that I got on my first (and so far only) IUI... it has saved me a LOT of heartache... when I got it, I started investigating things about my body and tests that I should take. I have had a attempted HSG, which led me to find out about the fibroids I have (which led me to reading what to do about them) and then, when we couldn't complete the HSG, to a water U/S which led to me finding out that one of my tubes is blocked (which led me to finding out how to unblock them to improve my chances). If I had kept going with the IUI's, I would have kept getting BFN after BFN because I wouldn't have known what my problems were.

    I am now scheduled for a tubal recanalization... which is a HSG with a catheter insert to clear my tubes... which will open my tubes and help with fertility for the next six months after the proceedure... it's successful in 95% of patients that have it and I KNOW I will be part of the success group... I've been through too much not to be!!

    It was the hardest thing in the world to sit out the first LH surge I had... the second was easier because I KNEW it had to be the Holy Spirit who had started nudging me after my first IUI NOT to have another right away... and has been directing me to things I need to get my BFP... in His time... my kids are coming!!
  • msdizzydoloresmsdizzydolores Posts: 26
    I am new and just finished praying and I'm in tears. I'm a minister and my mother is my pastor and I cannot believe how harsh some conservative Christians are about this process.

    I've only wanted two things in life: to be married and have 8 children. I am now 37 and I do not see myself getting married anytime soon.

    Being a mother is a burning desire in my heart and spirit...I cannot let go of being a mother. I have come to terms about not being married, but not being a mother is something I can no longer put aside.

    My mom always tells me that if your heart doesn't condemn you then God is not condemning you...God is greater than your heart. I've had peace about my decision for a few weeks and I am going to see my OB tomorrow to get my annual and to have her test me to make sure everything is in working order so come Oct-Jan I will TTC!

    Because I am so emotional right now, I will not go into scripture, but I know God is gracious, loving, kind and he is sovereign. He is the King of my Heart, Mind, Body and Soul and he knows the desire I've had to be a mother since I was 5 yrs old.

    I am scared to death to do this, but know I will be a good mother since I raised my niece for 18 months while my sister was in rehab in the South. Everyone who I've told so far about going in this direction is excited and keeps telling me what a wonderful mother I will be. And that along with the peace of God, his strength and his favor will get me through.

    I read the one post and I just burst into tears because I did what you did...I totally surrendered this situation to God. It's in his hands now and I will not take it back. And I will not go back after starting down this road. I will be 38 next June and I do not see myself waiting to be a mother any longer. Regardless of whether I make over $35k a year, God has been good to me to let me pay off my Jeep, own my own condo, and make it alone for the past 7 yrs.

    We all struggle with this choice because as someone else mentioned, MAN MADE RULES that have nothing to do with God's word have been shoved down our throats. I will not feel guilty for wanting to love a child and for wanting to be a mother...if people think I am selfish for wanting to create a child outside of the confinements of marriage...they will get a personal invitation to talk with my God about it. His son (my big brother and Lord and Savior) was conceived outside of marriage....so now what????? WHAT?

    Let them make excuses around that one. You know, yeah I may be selfish...but if loving someone outside of myself to where I am willing to sacrifice all that I have for them is being selfish...then I serve the most selfish person in the world...JESUS CHRIST.

    I have no one to answer to but God...this is no on else's business and as the word tells us...that we should not judge lest we be judged according to the same measure.

    Thank God I found this thread. I have even more hope than I had an hour.

    Dolores
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