Unsupportive Partner

cdayecdaye Posts: 12
in LGBTQ+ Couples
Is anyone else going through this with an unsupportive or uncommunicative partner? If so, how have you found ways to work through that and communicate better or to be able to continue treatment without emotional support?

My partner is not opposed to the process or trying to become pregnant, she is just impassive about it to the extent her main reaction to not getting pregnant try after try is "I'm sorry you feel bad about it and I'll do whatever you want to do." She doesn't volunteer her feelings about it to me; she does not ask how I feel.

Of course, I know it's not fair to expect her to react the way I'd like, and I don't expect her to have the same feelings about this as I do.

Given that, any suggestions on ways to deal with this? I am trying to find support in other places but it is difficult because I have been trying to generally keep the fact that I am trying secret from most family and friends.

Comments

  • TommieWartickTommieWartick Posts: 307
    I'm very curious why you would want to have a child with someone who is not supportive or excited about the process? Honestly that seems like a que that something is wrong and maybe this isn't the right time for ya'll to have kids or maybe it's not the right person to have kids with.

    This is such a huge decision, an expensive process and involves the rest of your life.

    I don't think I can help with your question except that I would be very nervous to be in your shoes.
  • cdayecdaye Posts: 12
    My first reply seems not to have shown up, so apologies if this is a double post.

    I see your perspective, and it does trouble me that we have so much difficulty communicating our feelings about this particular subject.

    However, I'd clarify that my partner isn't really unsupportive in the sense of not wanting to have a child together, but she is just not as invested in it as I am. I think that this arises in part from the fact that she has never wanted to be pregnant or give birth, so she doesn't feel the same urgency about that as I do, and she has an older child from a previous relationship (I'm happily involved in that relationship but her child has two highly committed parents already, so I'm in a stepmother role, although we do not like to use that word).

    Overall, I believe she wants a child and would love a child, but as I said, she just isn't as invested in the outcome (e.g., she'd be just as happy to adopt, she'd still feel complete in her life if we don't succeed, etc.).

    So I likely have unrealistic expectations of how excited I'd like her to be (or how much I want to be able to feel sad when it doesn't work out).
  • TommieWartickTommieWartick Posts: 307
    That's foreign to me as I'm not the one carrying but am probably more excited than my wife. We don't have kids from any other relationship so this is our first.

    Sorry I can't help!
  • jnoorisjnooris Posts: 18
    I am going to side with cdaye's partner for a second. My partner is the one carrying the child and although I feel like I am being supportive and communicating to her my feelings, there have been times where (I'm sure) she would state the opposite. She and I work at our communication CONSTANTLY and while 8 times out of 10 we are able to convey our feelings fairly well... it seems like those other two times we can't even see eye to eye and it seems like we both just get extremely frustrated.

    So, with this being said, maybe she is just not as vocal about how she's feeling... but maybe she shows her support in other ways. Maybe she gets you a cup of water when you're thirsty? Or she offers to make dinner when you're tired? Obviously, because we are all women, and only one woman is carrying the child... we expect our partner to react the same way when we get a negative pregnancy. I kind of liken it to (and just in this particular case) someone has to be the man in the relationship. When we got our first BFP, I could tell my partner was really upset. (And of course I was too...) but I knew I had to be the stronger one. I had to be the comforter in this scenario. This doesn't mean I was being unsupportive, it just means I allowed myself to play a different role for her (at that particular time).

    I don't know if this makes sense.. and I apologize for rambling. I guess I can just kind of relate to your partner a little because I am sure my actions and/or words may come across as something other than me being supportive.

    I'll leave you with this: There's a great book out there about strengthening your communication with your partner. It's called: The Five Love Languages. You may have already heard about it (or even read it), but it allows you to speak with your partner in his/her love language and vice versa. My partner and I are reading it together, and it gives both of us new perspective to each other.

    Hope this helps, Cdaye. Good luck. :)
  • jnoorisjnooris Posts: 18
    Grrr.... I meant to say, when we got our first BFN; OBVIOUSLY, I would be STOKED if we got a BFN.(see, this is why I HATE acronyms). :/
  • jnoorisjnooris Posts: 18
    Wow... I need to stop using acronyms. I would be STOKED if we got a BFP. Ugh... I hate those stupid things...
  • cdayecdaye Posts: 12
    Thanks to you both for your thoughtful responses. It is good to get some different perspectives.

    jnooris, I do understand this is how my partner feels as well. She does have a tendency to be on the more practical side and try to find solutions for things instead of talking them over. And she probably thinks she needs to not react by being upset, especially if I already am. When I ask her to talk with me more about her feelings about trying to get pregnant, she says she will, but then she puts up shelves or something for me instead. Which I do appreciate :)

    I have not read that book, but I will order it!

    Thanks :)
  • jnoorisjnooris Posts: 18
    Cdaye,

    I normally HATE practicality but when Jennifer is being emotional and upset (which for the record, she hardly EVER is), I know I need to step in and be practical. I know that sometimes I need to be the "man" or at least play the "man" role in that I need to shut off my emotions and just be there to comfort her... She is definitely the solution provider, which I LOVE her for... but I struggle because I do want her to communicate (and use her words more). But (and this will make more sense when you get the book) her love language that she most operates in is acts of service whereas mine is words of affirmation. So, in other words.. I am looking for words to make me feel better, whereas she is looking for actions. So, clearly... we both need to communicate with one another in the love language we are most used to.

    Anyway, good luck to you and lots of baby dust as well... Hope the book provides some great insight for you two!

    Ps: your post inspired my blog for today. :) thank you! :)
  • deroutonderouton Posts: 7
    I COMPLETELY understand what you mean. It is nit so much unsupportive, it's not so interested. I had this same situation with my partner of 6 years. We knew we wanted children. We knew we wanted children before 30. The time rolled around when I was ready and she was less than enthusiastic. She went to a few appointments, helped pick the donor and was a part of the process. During my pregnancy she didn't really get into feeling the baby kick or looking at the ultrasound pictures. She is very "manly", meaning she doesn't like to shop, doesn't get googoo about babies and rarely cries so I kind of expected this. Fast forward to today and we have a 14 month old and twins on the way. She could not love our daughter more or put forth more effort to be her mom. She is so in love and even calls her out daughters "first friend" (LOL). Just because some women have female parts does not mean they have female emotions. The change from being free and young to be tied down with a baby is really hard for some people. That doesn't mean you should leave her or give her an ultimatum, If she really honestly supports you she will come around. My partner even told me (in a moment of weakness) that she feels more emotional and connected to the babies I am carrying now than with our first. Of course when I asked her about it later she said she didn't want to talk about it! Anyway, if you have both agreed that children are in your future and she in even a little involved in the process than she will come around. I have a picture of my partner in the hospital when our daughter was born. She is holding the baby and the lookon her face says "what the hell is this? This thing is mine?". Some people aren't mothers the moment they become pregnant, or the momemt they see their child, it is the moment they can feel the love from that child. That was what happened in our case :)
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