Unsupportive Partner
cdaye
Posts: 12
Is anyone else going through this with an unsupportive or uncommunicative partner? If so, how have you found ways to work through that and communicate better or to be able to continue treatment without emotional support?
My partner is not opposed to the process or trying to become pregnant, she is just impassive about it to the extent her main reaction to not getting pregnant try after try is "I'm sorry you feel bad about it and I'll do whatever you want to do." She doesn't volunteer her feelings about it to me; she does not ask how I feel.
Of course, I know it's not fair to expect her to react the way I'd like, and I don't expect her to have the same feelings about this as I do.
Given that, any suggestions on ways to deal with this? I am trying to find support in other places but it is difficult because I have been trying to generally keep the fact that I am trying secret from most family and friends.
My partner is not opposed to the process or trying to become pregnant, she is just impassive about it to the extent her main reaction to not getting pregnant try after try is "I'm sorry you feel bad about it and I'll do whatever you want to do." She doesn't volunteer her feelings about it to me; she does not ask how I feel.
Of course, I know it's not fair to expect her to react the way I'd like, and I don't expect her to have the same feelings about this as I do.
Given that, any suggestions on ways to deal with this? I am trying to find support in other places but it is difficult because I have been trying to generally keep the fact that I am trying secret from most family and friends.
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Comments
This is such a huge decision, an expensive process and involves the rest of your life.
I don't think I can help with your question except that I would be very nervous to be in your shoes.
I see your perspective, and it does trouble me that we have so much difficulty communicating our feelings about this particular subject.
However, I'd clarify that my partner isn't really unsupportive in the sense of not wanting to have a child together, but she is just not as invested in it as I am. I think that this arises in part from the fact that she has never wanted to be pregnant or give birth, so she doesn't feel the same urgency about that as I do, and she has an older child from a previous relationship (I'm happily involved in that relationship but her child has two highly committed parents already, so I'm in a stepmother role, although we do not like to use that word).
Overall, I believe she wants a child and would love a child, but as I said, she just isn't as invested in the outcome (e.g., she'd be just as happy to adopt, she'd still feel complete in her life if we don't succeed, etc.).
So I likely have unrealistic expectations of how excited I'd like her to be (or how much I want to be able to feel sad when it doesn't work out).
Sorry I can't help!
So, with this being said, maybe she is just not as vocal about how she's feeling... but maybe she shows her support in other ways. Maybe she gets you a cup of water when you're thirsty? Or she offers to make dinner when you're tired? Obviously, because we are all women, and only one woman is carrying the child... we expect our partner to react the same way when we get a negative pregnancy. I kind of liken it to (and just in this particular case) someone has to be the man in the relationship. When we got our first BFP, I could tell my partner was really upset. (And of course I was too...) but I knew I had to be the stronger one. I had to be the comforter in this scenario. This doesn't mean I was being unsupportive, it just means I allowed myself to play a different role for her (at that particular time).
I don't know if this makes sense.. and I apologize for rambling. I guess I can just kind of relate to your partner a little because I am sure my actions and/or words may come across as something other than me being supportive.
I'll leave you with this: There's a great book out there about strengthening your communication with your partner. It's called: The Five Love Languages. You may have already heard about it (or even read it), but it allows you to speak with your partner in his/her love language and vice versa. My partner and I are reading it together, and it gives both of us new perspective to each other.
Hope this helps, Cdaye. Good luck. :)
jnooris, I do understand this is how my partner feels as well. She does have a tendency to be on the more practical side and try to find solutions for things instead of talking them over. And she probably thinks she needs to not react by being upset, especially if I already am. When I ask her to talk with me more about her feelings about trying to get pregnant, she says she will, but then she puts up shelves or something for me instead. Which I do appreciate :)
I have not read that book, but I will order it!
Thanks :)
I normally HATE practicality but when Jennifer is being emotional and upset (which for the record, she hardly EVER is), I know I need to step in and be practical. I know that sometimes I need to be the "man" or at least play the "man" role in that I need to shut off my emotions and just be there to comfort her... She is definitely the solution provider, which I LOVE her for... but I struggle because I do want her to communicate (and use her words more). But (and this will make more sense when you get the book) her love language that she most operates in is acts of service whereas mine is words of affirmation. So, in other words.. I am looking for words to make me feel better, whereas she is looking for actions. So, clearly... we both need to communicate with one another in the love language we are most used to.
Anyway, good luck to you and lots of baby dust as well... Hope the book provides some great insight for you two!
Ps: your post inspired my blog for today. :) thank you! :)