To tell or not to tell...

mplot21mplot21 Posts: 3
in Selecting a Sperm Donor
My husband and I are beginning our search for a donor. It has been determined that my husband is unable to have children. The main thing we (mostly me) are struggling with is whether or not to tell our future children. We have decided at this point we will not be sharing the information with anyone else (only the 2 of us). He wants it to remain between only us for the rest of our lives...which I might be ok with but for some reason am worrying that it's not right. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Comments

  • gingygingy Posts: 65
    I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband and I are struggling with the same thing. I've spent SOOO much time thinking about this. We've known for over a year that we would need to use a donor and I still haven't been able to make a decision. And it's mostly because we can't agree on whether to tell or not. He is adamant about not ever telling and I'm really struggling with that. I guess we have to decide what we can live with. You are welcome to email me at whatsagirltodo2003@yahoo.com to discuss further.
  • IGBMIGBM Posts: 1
    We have decided not to share with anyone; this is something we will keep just between the two of us. We are aware that we may encounter the ocasional question of "who does she/he look like?" and are working on rehearsing our answers. Ultimately it is no one's bussiness who our baby looks like...It is after all OUR child!
  • raevnnraevnn Posts: 2
    I stumbled upon your conversation, hopefully not intruding. I just want to say congratulations to you all and also to share a bit of my story.

    I am a donor offspring and I'm 20. My mother told me about my donor when I was 17. Originally my mother and father had decided to keep it between then and they only told my mother's mother and my aunt. Otherwise no one knows. However, as time went on my mother thought I had a right to know so she told me. I have yet to tell my father that I know (they are divorced) and I have struggled with telling him the truth because I think it might hurt him a bit since he is after all my father, even if not biologically.

    Anyway, I just want to caution you to think deeply on this decision and ask yourself why you don't want to tell anyone? If you will tell your child? And if you don't want to tell anyone, under what circumstances would you decide to tell someone?

    I know that for me, although it did slightly change my relationship with my dad or at least the way I see him now, it took a weight of my shoulders. When you don't look like the people in your family, you wonder, and you wonder where you got your eyes from or your laugh or your love of something and when things don't match up it can be a strange feeling. When I found out it put everything into perspective. Also think about what you are going to do for medical forms? When your son/daughter is on their own and providing their father's information or their donor's?

    Thank you for letting me share. I applaud you all on your decision and for thinking things through. Best of luck in the future!

    If you have any questions for a donor offspring feel free to contact me at raevnn@hotmail.com.
  • baby67890baby67890 Posts: 156
    Yeah I going through the same thing, but I decided overall not to tell anyone to protect my child from cretin family member’s words. But at first started this process three years ago I desperately what to tell this person about what I was planning on using a donor to have a baby but as time wore I felt that it would be best to keep it to myself. So it is best for you to think long hard about telling anyone and think about the future as well how will he/ she be welcomed in into your family after everyone knows. omarionlovesme@yahoo.com so we can stay in touch
  • stargazer7stargazer7 Posts: 39
    This is a great topic and one that I have certainly been thinking alot about. I appreciate everyone's honesty.
    My husband & I have discussed this and decided not to say anything due to relatives who might say something to hurt our little one.
    raevnn, thankyou so much for sharing. If you don't mind me asking, are you saying that it would be better to wait until the teenage years to tell a child? I like the idea of waiting so that they could decide for themselves how they want to handle it and to tell anyone or not.
    Thankyou again for your willingness to share.
    Thanks!
  • keylimekeylime Posts: 8
    I am in a similar situation. My husband and I cannot have children due to male factor issues. The decision to use donor sperm has been a long time in the making. It is by no means an easy decision, however for us it is a more attractive option than adoption.
    We have struggled with the idea of telling family and ultimately the child. My gut says don't tell, but I feel like my husband and I will forever live with a tremendous burden on our minds. Most mental health professionals think that it is best to disclose. I think for my husband and I, we will get to know our child and tell at the right time for all of us. Thankfully it is not a decision that has to made right away, but it is something to think about! I have found talking to a counselor who specializes in fertility issues to be very insightful and helpful.
    Good luck to all of you!
  • faith222faith222 Posts: 56
    wow, i'm so glad this discussion started here. i feel awkward. my husband and i told people we were trying to conceive and they started asking questions so i had to tell them we were having problems because me trying to get around the question wasn't working and got to be very hurtful. i leared from that not to tell everyone so i did tell 3 co-workers that i am very close to, 3 of my friends and my cousin about us starting ivf and my husbands sperm issue. one of the co-workers has gone thru 5 ivf cycles and had 4 children so she has been helpful. anyway, i also belong to a board on another site. so here's my delima. the people above know about our sperm issue and that my husband had surgery today to find sperm. now i've put my foot in my mouth because if there will be questions about "did they find something" we are not telling anyone until we tell our child about being a donor so now i feel like i have to lie and say "yes they did find sperm from the surgery" since we are about 75% sure that we would be willing to proceed with donor. i know that's a lot and thanks for letting me vent. it's my own fault and maybe thats whats so hard. i did this to myself, but infertility is so hard and i really needed someone to talk to.

    so on the issue of telling. my husband didn't want to initially, but i told him that i was molested as a child and my life was full of "secrets" and i didn't want that for my child. it is still hard for me because i think i don't want to tell anyone because i feel bad for my husband and dont want people to look at him differently. he and my mom had a falling out 2 years ago and my mom bad mouthed him to the family. she and he have worked hard on their relationship and now respect each other, but she 'forgot' to tell the rest of the family that things are fine. everytime i mention it to her, she's like "oh, don't pay your uncle any attention, you know how he is". very frustrating. oh my e-mail is mssgrho295@yahoo.com althought i think this is a good place for general conversation so that we can have a group conversation.

    good luck and glad to have found people who really are in the same spot as us.
  • stargazer7stargazer7 Posts: 39
    Hi Faith,
    Thankyou for sharing about your journey...I can relate to many of your sentiments myself. It can be awkward, but in my life i have only told my best friend that we are "trying" to have a baby...she was so happy for me she almost cried (which is why I told her) Knowing that she was a supportive and mature person. However, that is all I have said. You might consider when questioned, to say, "we're working on it", smile, and leave it there. Most people will let it go at that, however, if they keep prying you may have to say something like, "You know babymaking is kinda personal, don't you think?" ;p Not easy, but sometimes you have to set a boundary.

    I agree its important to be able to talk to someone about your feelings when going through this, but for me, I just have to be careful and stick with the "safe" people who can be trusted.

    Visiting the boards has been a great help to me and just hearing everyone else's journey strengthens me. I do understand about "secrets" and how harmful that is, but I have to try to balance sharing my feelings with a friend and not opening up to allow others to take a shot at me (I have several jerks in my family who would:)

    Personally, I have had to limit the time spent with many of my family members and I have worked hard to seek out other healthier relationships.(and believe me, I know how hard that is) I only have about 2 or 3 healthy friends, but I think that is better than having a whole crowd of negative types like I used to.

    I don't know if this has helped you any, but I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Best of Luck to you!
  • mplot21mplot21 Posts: 3
    I am so glad that I posted this question and it sparked this discussion. Thank you to everyone above who has commented. It has been very insightful. My husband and I are still discussing whether or not we will be sharing this information with our child later on. At this point we have decided that the information will be staying between just us. I like the idea of waiting until the child is born and seeing where life takes us and then re-evaluate whether or not to tell them.

    Raevnn-thank you so much for sharing your story, it was nice to hear from the "child's" perspective.

    Faith222-I was just saying similar things to myself about how I have told several people about our difficulties getting pregnant prior to my husband having his surgery. Now for us the whole game has changed (being that no sperm was found) and I was in fear of how to handle people's questions. I have just told myself that it will stay to myself and my husband and to keep my answers with people short and nice. After all the important thing to remember with this whole thing is that it is 100% yours and your significant others business.

    And one last thing-my husband and I did see a therapist and he had the mindset that keeping the information to yourself is not uncommon and in no way is it discouraged. He said people now-a-days do what is good for themselves and I can't agree more. I am tired of always having to please others with MY PERSONAL information. My email is mplot21@aol.com if anyone would like it.
  • katherine09katherine09 Posts: 10
    If you have a great husband, honor his wishes. He deserves it. But once you make that decision, stick with it and don't tell anyone. I don't think it's right to tell a child one thing and change it later on. Keep it your secret. It does the child no harm so long as they never find out. Your husband's wishes should be respected.
  • baby67890baby67890 Posts: 156
    I have lots of books for single mothers and all say the same thing if do not plan on telling your child do not tell any one because that someone you told colud spill the beans some day
  • OmesaaraOmesaara Posts: 118
    Hi everyone! I am new here, and I am so glad I found this topic. My husband and I have been TTC for 5 years with no luck, and I have a 7-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, so it was not a surprise when the doctor determined that his side of the equation was the problem. His family is absolutely AWFUL about this kind of thing...they are SOOOO stuck on bloodlines that when they take family photos, anyone who married into or was adopted into the family is not even allowed in the picture...BLOOD relatives ONLY. So obviously we are NOT telling them what we are doing, because they would be horrible to that child!!! But my family is very supportive and my mother and sister already know what we are looking into. But I, too, have been struggling with this same question...my gut feeling is that if we are successful in having a baby, that baby has the right to know their biological history, and I fully intend to purchase all of the info about our donor that I am able to get so I can give it to him/her when s/he is ready. However, I absolutely do NOT want an open donor because that would hurt my husband wayyy too much. So it's tough! Plus there is the factor of my in-laws and how mean they would be if they found out...so we'd definitely have to wait until the kid was old enough to keep a secret from them...so many factors to consider! I guess the answer is that there IS no right answer...it's different for different people.

    Hope everyone finds exactly what they need from here!!! :) Best of luck to you!
  • smaciegraciesmaciegracie Posts: 296
    Please don't keep secrets from these kids...it's betrayal because you'd be letting them believe a lie. How can parents do that to there children? You don't have to tell the world you used a donor, but your child??? C'mon...
  • smaciegraciesmaciegracie Posts: 296
    misspelled their
  • jturcottejturcotte Posts: 8
    Faith222 we too have been struggling with this for the last few months. We did tell both our mothers and a few close friends at the beginning of our fertility issues. Same as you, I just needed someone to talk to. They do know that we plan to go ahead with a donor. As we get further into this process the questions have become more invasive so we have now told everyone that "this is a very difficult time for us and we would appreciate it if you would refrain from asking any questions, if and when we need to talk or have anything to report we will do so on our terms". So far they have all understood and respected our wishes and no one go their feelings hurt.

    In regards to tell or not to tell... my husband initially was adamant that we not ever tell but as we thought more about it and the questions that could arise in the future (what if there was ever a medical problem and my husband had to be tested as a match for anything or obvious physical characteristics that didn't fit?) we decided to that it would be best to tell te child but to tell from a very early age so that it would be something the child grows up knowing and never feels as if something important was kept from them. I have actually been working on writing a childrens book that tells a story of a family that was built and a child that was conceived using donor sperm and intend to read that to the baby as a way of introducing the idea of donor conception in a positive manner that seems wonderful and normal. I still completely understand and respect couples who would choose not to tell but for us, we have made the decision to be open and honest right from the beginning. Of course this decision only matters if we are succesfull so please pray for us, we have our first IUI in about 2 weeks.
  • yellow_daisyyellow_daisy Posts: 3
    I guess I am in the minority here, but we have been very open about our infertility. Everyone we know knows about it and that we are using a donor. We have received so much support from people we thought would be so negative. No one we have told has been negative. I have found that most people are very curious about ART and the donor process and I encourage people to ask me about it if they want. Both my husband and I feel very strongly that infertility treatments are still very taboo because people don't talk about them and we believe that we are doing our part to educate people who are otherwise very ignorant about what couples go through. We have been ttc for 6 yrs now and are long past feeling like we need to keep this to ourselves, obviously everyone has to do what is right for them, but being open and honest with our friends, families and even co-workers has provided us with more support then we could have imagined. We also found out that some of our co-workers had also used a donor because we were open with them.

    As for whether or not we plan to tell, well I guess that is obvious. We have been through hell to have a child and we feel strongly that by keeping secrets from them we are asking for trouble. If we kept it a secret I would always worry about it becoming known or my child getting ill and I have to tell them that their dad is not biologically their dad. I can't imagine the betrayal my child would feel finding that out later in life. I would always wonder that if they found out would they think we kept the secret because we were ashamed? embarrassed? And how would that secret change our relationship?

    Our plan is to introduce the idea early and often to our child. We will start when they are very young toddler age with a watered down version and build on it as they are old enough to process more information. We feel that by telling them when they are young it just becomes a regular part of life, not sensational, not a secret, not shame. We want them to know that they are loved beyond what they can imagine, not more but differently than if we had gotten pregnant easily, that they and pregnancy were not something we took for granted. That we wanted them so much that we went through all this to have them. That they are special in their own way. Obviously children can know/feel all these things without knowing they were conceived via a donor, but we feel that the donor information is important and that honesty is the best policy. I would hate for my child to find out as a teenager or adult and for them to be hurt by the secret or for that secret to damage our relationship.

    The choice about whether or not to tell is very personal and whatever you decide will be the right choice for you.
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    I'm so glad I found this topic. This has been one of the toughest things I have been dealing with.

    Well for the most part everyone in my family is behind me doing this, but there a a few relatives that have been very mean to me saying this is completely "unnatural" and "gross"! How can anyone say this! I was hurt for a very long time. I have chose to keep these people out of my life for the time being.

    As weather to tell my child.. I'm not sure yet. I keep thinking if I tell him/her that they were conceived using a donor, I wonder when my child goes to school and some other child asks them what their dad. What would they say. Kid can be very cruel sometimes and I wouldn't want my son or daughter hurt.

    I also have a question that I have been trying to figure out. What does everyone choose to tell their friends? I work with really nice people but I don't know if they would understand my decisions? If I showed up pregnant to work one day, there would be a tone of questions thrown at me. How would I address them? What would I say?
  • acf_ptaacf_pta Posts: 8
    When my husband and I first started to consider donor sperm, he didn't want to tell anyone. It can be a blow to the masculinity and has taken time for my husband to understand that this isn't a black mark for him and that I don't hold it against him. He had surgery for varicocele and is still hopeful to actually father a child in the future. In the meantime, though, we each have a few close friends that have helped us through our journey so far (a few that have already dealt with adoption, IVF, and/ or infertility) and they know we are looking into donor sperm. We plan to tell our child/ children at some point and bring it across similar to an adoption - we "adopted" the sperm so we could have children. This approach may change as the time actually comes up. Anyway, we intend to keep those few friends in the loop as well as immediate family but not to advertise it to the world unless asked specifically.

    To mommy67: As for me, I plan to approach my pregnancy with the same perspective as if I've only been ttc for a short time and have had no hiccups along the way. If people ask how long we have been trying (a question I have never asked personally so I am not really anticipating it) I will just state that it's been awhile but we are very pleased to be pregnant now. The only people who might have more questions would be those who know we have male issue infertility and I can talk to them in private about specifics if I want to.

    To yellow_daisy: The reason we have not come fully public with our situation is that my husband sometimes feels inadequate since the issue is on his end. For me, I am still very emotional when discussing children and infertility and don't wish to break down and cry in front of everyone who asks about it. So, I keep my answers about the lack of children short and redirect the conversation.
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