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To tell or not to tell...
mplot21
Posts: 3
My husband and I are beginning our search for a donor. It has been determined that my husband is unable to have children. The main thing we (mostly me) are struggling with is whether or not to tell our future children. We have decided at this point we will not be sharing the information with anyone else (only the 2 of us). He wants it to remain between only us for the rest of our lives...which I might be ok with but for some reason am worrying that it's not right. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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I am a donor offspring and I'm 20. My mother told me about my donor when I was 17. Originally my mother and father had decided to keep it between then and they only told my mother's mother and my aunt. Otherwise no one knows. However, as time went on my mother thought I had a right to know so she told me. I have yet to tell my father that I know (they are divorced) and I have struggled with telling him the truth because I think it might hurt him a bit since he is after all my father, even if not biologically.
Anyway, I just want to caution you to think deeply on this decision and ask yourself why you don't want to tell anyone? If you will tell your child? And if you don't want to tell anyone, under what circumstances would you decide to tell someone?
I know that for me, although it did slightly change my relationship with my dad or at least the way I see him now, it took a weight of my shoulders. When you don't look like the people in your family, you wonder, and you wonder where you got your eyes from or your laugh or your love of something and when things don't match up it can be a strange feeling. When I found out it put everything into perspective. Also think about what you are going to do for medical forms? When your son/daughter is on their own and providing their father's information or their donor's?
Thank you for letting me share. I applaud you all on your decision and for thinking things through. Best of luck in the future!
If you have any questions for a donor offspring feel free to contact me at raevnn@hotmail.com.
My husband & I have discussed this and decided not to say anything due to relatives who might say something to hurt our little one.
raevnn, thankyou so much for sharing. If you don't mind me asking, are you saying that it would be better to wait until the teenage years to tell a child? I like the idea of waiting so that they could decide for themselves how they want to handle it and to tell anyone or not.
Thankyou again for your willingness to share.
Thanks!
We have struggled with the idea of telling family and ultimately the child. My gut says don't tell, but I feel like my husband and I will forever live with a tremendous burden on our minds. Most mental health professionals think that it is best to disclose. I think for my husband and I, we will get to know our child and tell at the right time for all of us. Thankfully it is not a decision that has to made right away, but it is something to think about! I have found talking to a counselor who specializes in fertility issues to be very insightful and helpful.
Good luck to all of you!
so on the issue of telling. my husband didn't want to initially, but i told him that i was molested as a child and my life was full of "secrets" and i didn't want that for my child. it is still hard for me because i think i don't want to tell anyone because i feel bad for my husband and dont want people to look at him differently. he and my mom had a falling out 2 years ago and my mom bad mouthed him to the family. she and he have worked hard on their relationship and now respect each other, but she 'forgot' to tell the rest of the family that things are fine. everytime i mention it to her, she's like "oh, don't pay your uncle any attention, you know how he is". very frustrating. oh my e-mail is mssgrho295@yahoo.com althought i think this is a good place for general conversation so that we can have a group conversation.
good luck and glad to have found people who really are in the same spot as us.
Thankyou for sharing about your journey...I can relate to many of your sentiments myself. It can be awkward, but in my life i have only told my best friend that we are "trying" to have a baby...she was so happy for me she almost cried (which is why I told her) Knowing that she was a supportive and mature person. However, that is all I have said. You might consider when questioned, to say, "we're working on it", smile, and leave it there. Most people will let it go at that, however, if they keep prying you may have to say something like, "You know babymaking is kinda personal, don't you think?" ;p Not easy, but sometimes you have to set a boundary.
I agree its important to be able to talk to someone about your feelings when going through this, but for me, I just have to be careful and stick with the "safe" people who can be trusted.
Visiting the boards has been a great help to me and just hearing everyone else's journey strengthens me. I do understand about "secrets" and how harmful that is, but I have to try to balance sharing my feelings with a friend and not opening up to allow others to take a shot at me (I have several jerks in my family who would:)
Personally, I have had to limit the time spent with many of my family members and I have worked hard to seek out other healthier relationships.(and believe me, I know how hard that is) I only have about 2 or 3 healthy friends, but I think that is better than having a whole crowd of negative types like I used to.
I don't know if this has helped you any, but I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Best of Luck to you!
Raevnn-thank you so much for sharing your story, it was nice to hear from the "child's" perspective.
Faith222-I was just saying similar things to myself about how I have told several people about our difficulties getting pregnant prior to my husband having his surgery. Now for us the whole game has changed (being that no sperm was found) and I was in fear of how to handle people's questions. I have just told myself that it will stay to myself and my husband and to keep my answers with people short and nice. After all the important thing to remember with this whole thing is that it is 100% yours and your significant others business.
And one last thing-my husband and I did see a therapist and he had the mindset that keeping the information to yourself is not uncommon and in no way is it discouraged. He said people now-a-days do what is good for themselves and I can't agree more. I am tired of always having to please others with MY PERSONAL information. My email is mplot21@aol.com if anyone would like it.
Hope everyone finds exactly what they need from here!!! :) Best of luck to you!
In regards to tell or not to tell... my husband initially was adamant that we not ever tell but as we thought more about it and the questions that could arise in the future (what if there was ever a medical problem and my husband had to be tested as a match for anything or obvious physical characteristics that didn't fit?) we decided to that it would be best to tell te child but to tell from a very early age so that it would be something the child grows up knowing and never feels as if something important was kept from them. I have actually been working on writing a childrens book that tells a story of a family that was built and a child that was conceived using donor sperm and intend to read that to the baby as a way of introducing the idea of donor conception in a positive manner that seems wonderful and normal. I still completely understand and respect couples who would choose not to tell but for us, we have made the decision to be open and honest right from the beginning. Of course this decision only matters if we are succesfull so please pray for us, we have our first IUI in about 2 weeks.
As for whether or not we plan to tell, well I guess that is obvious. We have been through hell to have a child and we feel strongly that by keeping secrets from them we are asking for trouble. If we kept it a secret I would always worry about it becoming known or my child getting ill and I have to tell them that their dad is not biologically their dad. I can't imagine the betrayal my child would feel finding that out later in life. I would always wonder that if they found out would they think we kept the secret because we were ashamed? embarrassed? And how would that secret change our relationship?
Our plan is to introduce the idea early and often to our child. We will start when they are very young toddler age with a watered down version and build on it as they are old enough to process more information. We feel that by telling them when they are young it just becomes a regular part of life, not sensational, not a secret, not shame. We want them to know that they are loved beyond what they can imagine, not more but differently than if we had gotten pregnant easily, that they and pregnancy were not something we took for granted. That we wanted them so much that we went through all this to have them. That they are special in their own way. Obviously children can know/feel all these things without knowing they were conceived via a donor, but we feel that the donor information is important and that honesty is the best policy. I would hate for my child to find out as a teenager or adult and for them to be hurt by the secret or for that secret to damage our relationship.
The choice about whether or not to tell is very personal and whatever you decide will be the right choice for you.
Well for the most part everyone in my family is behind me doing this, but there a a few relatives that have been very mean to me saying this is completely "unnatural" and "gross"! How can anyone say this! I was hurt for a very long time. I have chose to keep these people out of my life for the time being.
As weather to tell my child.. I'm not sure yet. I keep thinking if I tell him/her that they were conceived using a donor, I wonder when my child goes to school and some other child asks them what their dad. What would they say. Kid can be very cruel sometimes and I wouldn't want my son or daughter hurt.
I also have a question that I have been trying to figure out. What does everyone choose to tell their friends? I work with really nice people but I don't know if they would understand my decisions? If I showed up pregnant to work one day, there would be a tone of questions thrown at me. How would I address them? What would I say?
To mommy67: As for me, I plan to approach my pregnancy with the same perspective as if I've only been ttc for a short time and have had no hiccups along the way. If people ask how long we have been trying (a question I have never asked personally so I am not really anticipating it) I will just state that it's been awhile but we are very pleased to be pregnant now. The only people who might have more questions would be those who know we have male issue infertility and I can talk to them in private about specifics if I want to.
To yellow_daisy: The reason we have not come fully public with our situation is that my husband sometimes feels inadequate since the issue is on his end. For me, I am still very emotional when discussing children and infertility and don't wish to break down and cry in front of everyone who asks about it. So, I keep my answers about the lack of children short and redirect the conversation.