For the married women with husbands

Pamela MariePamela Marie Posts: 39
in Share Your Experience
I'm a little curious about the women who are married who come here, cause not all women who go to sperm banks are single moms or same sex couples. For the married ones with a husband, why did you decide using donor sperm from a sperm bank? Does your husband have varicocele, testicular injury, has no sperm count, or has had a hysterectomy? Thanks.

Comments

  • OmesaaraOmesaara Posts: 118
    I don't think men can have hysterectomies...they don't have a uterus! :) You probably mean orchiectomy.

    My husband and I decided to use a donor because he has very low motility, probably due to a bad case of the mumps when he was little. I REALLY don't want to adopt a child because I personally have known not just one but TWO families who adopted babies and then YEARS later the biological parents changed their minds and the Florida courts took the kids away from their adoptive homes and gave them back to the biological parents. There is NO WAY I'd be able to handle that. Plus, I feel like I'd never really be able to truly love that child as much as I love my own daughter, and NO child deserves to be placed in a home where they will feel second-best. It would not be fair, and I don't want to do that to anybody.

    We decided on the anonymous donor sperm because it's been quality-checked and it saves us the awkward conversation with our single male friends..."We REALLY like you...can you turkey baste my wife?" Haha.
  • stargazer7stargazer7 Posts: 39
    my situation is hubby had a vasectomy several years ago, before I met him. Knowing the donor was not an option for us, plus I like the quality-check also.

    omesaara, thanks for the laugh...good one :)
  • Pamela MariePamela Marie Posts: 39
    Thanks for your replies. Omesaara, have you already exhausted all your options in getting preg with your husbands' sperm? Did your RE already tell you that there is no possibility in using his sperm, and that the only options now is using a donor or someone else's sperm?
  • neaneaccneaneacc Posts: 29
    Pamela Marie,

    We tried well timed sex for about 18 months without anything. Since I was over 30 I started to worry, and we both went for testing. Test after test showed that my husband had a low sperm count and poor motility. This was really frustrating because he is 5 years younger than me, and in good health. It seems that doctors don't know squat about fixing this issue if it doesn't include a defect of the tubing or anatomy. We had been told to have more sex, less sex, he took special vitamins, changed our diets, but none of it worked. We tried 3 cycles of medicated IUI, and 1 cycle of IVF with ICSI (basically they force the sperm and egg together) but that failed too. After all of that we just got to the conclusion that we wanted to experience having a baby, and being pregnant together. I haven't ruled out adoption, but I want to try to give birth to at least one child. We also thought that asking for sperm was really awkward, and would not be the best option. Renee
  • Pamela MariePamela Marie Posts: 39
    Hi Renee,

    Sorry to hear of your failed attempts, it must be frustrating trying over and over and having it not working. I hope it works out it with your husband´s sperm, if not you can do what feels right for both of you- that being through sperm donor or adoption. Good luck!
  • OmesaaraOmesaara Posts: 118
    We've done everything we could afford to do. At this point, it was a choice between trying IUI with a donor sperm for a grand total of $1500, or attempting IVF with his sperm, but that holds a pricetag of $10,000 MINIMUM...and we just don't have that kind of money. Our insurance won't cover squat either...in fact, when I called to ask about it, they referred me to a PSYCHIATRIST so that I could be put on anti-depressants to help me to "get over the fact that (I) don't have another baby". I was LIVID. I mean...WTF? They're willing to pay for me to be on a lifetime of Prozac to TRICK myself into happiness, but not willing to pay for the procedure that will CURE the problem to begin with?! I am beyond angry at them for that.

    The more we thought about it, though, the more we thought this was probably the best option. There are some questionable health issues in his family, and out of his 3 brothers, the ONLY one who was able to have his own biological children was his younger brother, and HE ended up with 2 SEVERELY autistic kids...so there might be an issue with the DNA, we think. His older brother adopted his son, and my husband never had his own kids.

    Hopefully we can change that...here's hoping #11116 works for us this time!!!
  • neaneaccneaneacc Posts: 29
    Omesaara,

    I feel for you about the expenses. I live in NYS, and my doctor applied for grant money that came out of the smoking taxes a few years back. What this meant for me was that we could afford IVF at about $4,000 instead of the $12,000 ish it was supposed to cost with ICSI. I wish I had known then what I know now about my husband's swimmers, and invested in a donor then. Given that it appears to be male based infertility my new doctor basically said that I would have had about a 60% chance of already being pregnant with good swimmers and ivf. The program only covers one try though. I am nearing the end of my 2ww on Thursday. Here is hoping AF doesn't come and ruin it.
  • Christina901Christina901 Posts: 25
    Just wanted to share. My husband and I are using donor sperm because for whatever reason my husband does not produce sperm. He went on clomid for 3 months, had a testicular biopsy and still no sperm to be found. We didn't want to ask his brother because we didn't want to get into any family conflicts. We figured with donor sperm we can tell whomever we chose if we do decide to tell people later on.
    We've done three unmedicated IUI's. We did two day inseminations with the first two and were unsuccessful. Our third IUI was a one day, and we did get pregnant, however I had a miscarriage at roughly 9 weeks.
    In a few weeks I have an appointment at a new fertility clinic and will hopefully start another cycle soon after that appointment!
    Good luck to all of you!
  • joy2dianajoy2diana Posts: 16
    My husband and I are going with donor sperm because he got into a car accident two years ago that left him in a wheel chair, and he had trauma to his manly region, so he can no longer produce sperm. We are getting ready to do our first artificial insemination in the next week-week and a half. Is it completely unheard of to get pregnant on the first try? I'm excited about it, just don’t want to get my hopes too high.
  • spunmywebbspunmywebb Posts: 1
    My husband and I are going through the fertility process now. I am researching donor sperm, because my husband has low sperm motility and low semen volume. He had a vasectomy 10 years ago and a reversal 2 years ago. We are not able to afford IVF, because we are still paying off the reversal. My husband wants to try 3 cycles of IUI and then if that doesn't work to adopt. I want more than anything to give birth to one child. I know my husband doesn't understand because he has 3 children from a previous marriage. If the 3 IUI cycles do not work, I would like to try donor sperm. I'm not sure how to approach this with my husband, I feel like it might hurt his feelings.

    To make matters worse I am going through Kaiser for fertility, so as it appears and the process just for having the testing, it might be next year before I have first round of IUI.
  • mjm579mjm579 Posts: 12
    So, I'm not married to my significant other but...he is my fiance.

    We had discussed doing donor sperm 3 years ago.

    I did an anonymous donor egg cycle to find out how I would respond to the meds, to help someone else conceive, but also to help fund my own IVF cycle. Later in the year, my insurance changed and to my surprise, altough the new plan had higher out of pocket costs, it covered infertility stuff...including 3 IVF attempts per lifetime. 6 rounds of IVF later (well, 3 retrievals and 3 others that I didn't produce enough follicles....with sperm aspirated with epidydimal sperm aspiration...nothing!!

    They told me during the donor cycle 3 years ago (I was 28 at the time) that I needed to do the IVF sooner rather than later, bc they only retrieved 7 follicles during that attempt. About 1 year later I go in for my first IVF cycle and much to my demise, I only got 3 follicles, 2 mature, 1 fertilized. We tried just about EVERY approach in the book.

    I can't recall all of the details of my IVF cycles. I've contacted my old RE to get a copy of my records to use at the new REs office.

    So, it appeared as though my fiance's aspirated sperm and/or my "40 year old ovaries" (quoting the RE on that one) were causing some problems.

    We decided to try a vasectomy reversal that failed, and now we are back to donor sperm.

    I want to try 2 rounds of IUI with my own eggs before considering other options.

    At this point I will have my first IUI in October or November.

    If these attempts don't work, my last resort is donor eggs with donor sperm, or donor embryo. I'm thinking donor embryo....really doesn't make a HUGE difference if I have to use donor eggs with donor embryos....although I still have a vial of my fiance's juice on ice at the old RE's office. It is just that donor eggs don't come cheap.

    LONG story short, my story was a little backwards from most. Usually you hear about women having multiple failed IUI/ICI before proceeding to IVF. I've worked in the opposite direction for obvious reasons.

    Hope this helped!

    If you have any questions, post your email and I would be more than happy to answer any questions you (or anyone else might have).

    Once I get back my blood work results I can provide more details of the IVF cycles.

    They called me a "poor responder". I was on 600 units daily and still only 1-3 follies.
  • SAMacSAMac Posts: 39
    After trying to conceive for a year and nothing happening, my husband and I went in for testing. His semen analysis revealed no sperm. My husband elected to have a biopsy to see if any sperm were trapped inside. Well it turns out that he lacks the cells that produce sperm and can never biologically father a child. After 6 months of finding out and his biopsy we weighed our options and decided that donor sperm was the best route. We wanted to experience pregnancy and figured this was the only way. It is still hard to believe that all of this has happened, but I think things happen for a reason and we have to just go with it. I just had my fifth IUI done this morning so we will see. Best of luck to all of you.
  • nella846nella846 Posts: 25
    My husband also has zero sperm. He underwent lots of testing, etc, and we decided that using a donor was our best option. It is very sad that I cannot have a biological child with my spouse, however we both know that it does not take sperm to be a father/parent. Our families and close friends know we are using a donor, and we don't plan on keeping it a secret from our child down the road, although I understand and respect why some couples chose to do so.

    Missmam, try not to be nervous that everyone will know you used a donor. Most people are clueless about this option unless they go through it. My guess is people are going to look for ways that your baby looks like you and your husband. If someone says that the baby has your husbands nose you can say, "You think!? Thanks." If somone comments that the baby does not look like either of you (which I doubt they will) just say somthing like, "I have no idea where he/she got those big, beautiful eyes!" Trying to get pregnant can be hard so try your best to not worry about the things you cannot control.

    Our baby is due at the end of Febuary. I have just started to feel the baby kick, which is amazing. Trust me, using a sperm donor will be the furthest thing from your mind when you watch your hunsband fold tiny baby clothes, or when your husband kisses your belly and says "Daddy loves you baby," or when your husband shares his hopes and dreams for your child. Best of luck to everyone else.
  • Buffy905Buffy905 Posts: 11
    Very well said Nella!

    I admit that I too am concerned about people noticing the child doesn't look like me or my husband. But you're right - once the baby makes his/her appearance after so many years of infertility - no one will care. All that matters is that the baby is healthy and everyone will just be so happy for all of you!
  • jjr3jjr3 Posts: 79
    My husband and I have been married for 13 years and tried to have children together for much of this time. When he finally went in for a sperm analysis, he had no sperm. I was devastated and began looking into adoption. I would have never considered sperm banks prior to this but desperation sank in and I brought it up in passing to my husband. However, I still didn't think I could go through with it. My DH said that we should talk about it. That began our long trek through this process. We began looking at donors over a year before actually starting the process. I looked at countless profiles, worried about appearance, people noticing and so forth. We finally decided on a donor and waited another 6 months before starting the process. I was so worried my DH wouldn't feel a connection with our child, had nightmares through my pregnancy you name it.

    I should never had worried. When our daughter was born it was the most incredible moment of both of our lives. She was beautiful and looked like an even blend of my and my DH. We get people saying how much she looks like him all the time. He loves her more than anything. In fact, she is 1 year old and he can't even leave the room without her following him and getting upset. She crawls into his lap and lays her little head on his shoulder and smiles...it is amazing. He gets teary eyed when he talks about her and he says on a weekly basis how glad that this is the daughter he was blessed with. He said even if he had an option to have biological children he would never have it any other way. I am currently pregnant with twins by this donor and this pregnancy is so much more mellow. I do not have the same worries anymore.
  • Jennifer7170Jennifer7170 Posts: 69
    jjr3, wow...it sounds like you have had some really good luck with both of your pregnancies as I have seen your posts on all of the various discussions. That's wonderful, we can only hope that everyone has the luck you did.
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