This process is mentally exhausting...

TL1417TL1417 Posts: 28
in Selecting a Sperm Donor
I can't help but to feel overwhelmed and beaten. I've been to two fertility centers, gone through two IVF cycles with PGD and now have been strongly recommended to attempt using a sperm donor. This journey has taken us to about six years...and counting...

Locally, I have requested information on other couples willing to discuss their success stories and have been told several times that the couples were unwilling to speak and that they "don't talk about it".

I would like some reassurance that we should not feel ashamed and that biology does not make a parent.

Thanks in advance for your support.

Comments

  • MistyandCarlaMistyandCarla Posts: 720
    Hello and welcome to the boards...I'm sorry for what you've been through...I'm sure you are exhausted.

    As for me, I'm in a same sex relationship, so I can tell you for us, biology does not make a parent and using donor sperm is nothing to be ashamed of. We didn't care which of us carried our child because the non biological mother would love the child and feel the same towards the child as the biological mother. We just wanted a family and we didn't care how we had to go about doing it. We were lucky and got pregnant on our first IUI, but had that not worked, my partner would have tried and if that wouldn't have worked, we would have adopted. At that point, neither of us would have been a biological parent, but in the end, we would still be parents.

    Male-Female partners may feel different about using sperm donor to conceive, but I wouldn't know. I do know that there are plenty of Male-Female partners on these boards and they will be more than willing to share their stories.

    Good luck!
  • TL1417TL1417 Posts: 28
    My main current concern is my husband's couping skills (or lack there of).

    Thanks for the alternative perspective and congrats on your success!
  • Mom4KiddosMom4Kiddos Posts: 83
    Hi TL,

    My husband and I used a sperm donor and we now have a gorgeous almost two-year-old and we're expecting our second baby in January, both conceived with the same CCB donor. I can understand your concerns, but let me be the first from a male-female couple to assure you that genetics do NOT a parent make. My husband has loved my daughter with his whole heart from the moment he saw her come out of me, and probably since the day he saw the two pink lines on the test! Most people know our situation because we are very open and intend to tell our children the nature of their conception from the beginning, and besides that, my husband had shared with his family and close friends that he could not father children when he'd found out, which was before we ever started dating, so they would naturally be curious as to how I turned up pregnant! Even people who know that she is not his genetic child marvel at the bond they have and say they would never suspect she isn't his . . . and I say, "That's because she IS his!" It's parenting that makes you a parent, not providing DNA.

    I can also understand your exhaustion. My husband has Klinefelter's syndrome and has a zero sperm count, so he was told that he could never father children biologically. We tried four inseminations on my natural cycles before attempting IVF. We decided to try IVF because we heard that about 50% of the time men with Klinefelter's could have sperm surgically retrieved from their testicles, but the sperm were unable to swim and could only be used with IVF and ICSI. Well, no sperm were found from my husband's surgery, so we used our donor to fertilize my eggs. However, I did not get pregnant. That was devastating, and I was sure that something was wrong with me as well and that I would never get pregnant (I was only 24 years old at the time and my test results were all normal). We took a year off, and then chose a new donor (at our doctor's suggestion) and tried another insemination on my natural cycle. I got pregnant with our daughter right away. I also got pregnant on the first natural insemination with the baby I'm currently carrying as well. The first donor we tried using was also a CCB donor and responsible for many pregnancies, but he just didn't work for us.

    I wish you all the success in the world! Please feel free to ask if you have any other questions.
  • vegaschicvegaschic Posts: 37
    well, I can't really say since I'm a single mom trying to give my son a sibling using a sperm donor... but the situation I was in (with my first son) when i was pregnant is of a similar nature.

    I had a boyfriend. I broke up with that boyfriend.. met a new guy. got pregnant.

    didn't know who's baby it was the entire pregnancy. both men knew about it. both men hoped it was theirs and wanted part of it. Both were extremely jealous of each other.

    I ended up shutting one of the guys out during my pregnancy (it was the only way to cope) so, my X boyfriend moved back in with me. And I shut the new guy out.

    Well, as soon as the baby was born, we knew it wasn't my X boyfriends. But guess what?

    He was with me my entire pregnancy. He helped me pick out names, etc... when that baby was born (we knew right away it wasn't his baby by ethnicity) but he witnessed that miracle that he had witnessed from the beginning and was there every step of the way with me)... he fell in love with my son. I have pictures of him holding my son in the hospital, looking at him with adoring eyes. Those pictures are priceless. Those moments are priceless.

    To this day (him and I are only friends now) But to to this day he still absolutely LOVES my son. If something ever happened to me he would happily take care of my son for the rest of his life. And its not even his baby. And he was extremely jealous of my sons actual biological father in the beginnning, but since he is hardly in the picture, my X turned out to be more of a father figure than his 'real' father.

    Sure there was a huge loss on my X's part when he found out for sure that the baby wasn't his, but in the end he loves my son.

    So, if my X could get past the fact that it wasn't his baby and that of someone he was at total odds with, then your husband knowing this going in with a sperm donor, will absolutely love that child.
  • ArkmomArkmom Posts: 92
    What your husband has lost (the hope of being a biological parent) is real and worth morning. BUT that does not mean that he will not be your child's "real" father or that the two of you have anything to be ashamed of. As a family law attorney, I have had the opportunity to see a lot of children of all ages legally united with their real (not biological) dads through step parent adoptions. The love and joy and PRIDE that these fathers and children feel for eachother is truely touching to witness. Parents and children find eachother in many different ways. Biology is one of the things that helps make us who we are, but only love can make us whose we are. Good luck and blessings to you both on your journey to parenthood.
  • TL1417TL1417 Posts: 28
    Thanks to all that have responded...I've shared your responses with my husband...
  • LittleMissSunshine89LittleMissSunshine89 Posts: 1

    Hi everyone! We are new to this process and scared and excited, too! We are a same sex couple and are hoping to start this process within the next year or two but right now we are looking for tips and any helpful advice towards going through this process would be greatly appreciated! Thanks! ☺️

  • Hammonds creationsHammonds creations Posts: 110

    @LittleMissSunshine89 hello, I'd say research as much as possible. Decide how you hope to conceive, then start making a list of what you want from your donor. Depending on your clinic.. some will want to to pick a donor with the same CMV status as the person carrying. I'd recommend buying 4 vials if you can afford too. You get a years free storage and donors sell out quickly. Some take up to 3-6 months to restock or some might not at all. The other good thing with ccb is the genetic screening, they say most people are genetic carriers of at least 2 conditions so don't be put off by that. Best of luck starting your family!

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