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Choosing Race/Ethnicity
coyote_kris
Posts: 3
Hey everyone. I'm brand new in my journey and beginning to think of a donor for IVF in the coming months. I have read previous posts on here of people choosing (or not) to use a donor from a different race than themselves, but many of the posts are really old, so I'm starting a new one today. I will be a single mother in my journey, with very supportive friends and family. I'm from a very small town, mostly Hispanic and Caucasian. I myself am half white/half Mexican. The donor I absolutely love is Korean. Now, two things about this is relevant: I specifically searched out Asian donors because I absolutely love Asian children (I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I have a lot of thoughts about all this) and I think the child would be so beautiful. Secondly, I love Korean culture and food and language and have been learning so much about it and I think I could provide an Asian with knowledge and appreciation of their culture even though I don't belong to it myself. There aren't many Asians in my community and none in my family, but I know they would love and support this child regardless.
The question is how will this affect my child? Will they struggle with identity even if I provide them with exposure to their culture? Will they feel left out or that they don't belong? Being mixed race myself I was raised with white parents who did not introduce me to my culture, but being that I live in a largely Hispanic population I picked up the language and food for myself. Does anyone have advice or insight to share? Maybe someone who has used a donor of a different ethnicity, or even children from mixed race families? Please advise, because I am feeling a little lost and alone about this topic. Thank you so much.
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Hi coyote_kris,
I have a child from a previous relationship who is eurasian. Ideally I was looking for a caucasian donor but being an overseas client we have less choice of donors than US clients. I ended up going with an iranian donor. I don't know much about iranian culture but my family and I identified a lot with his character, personality and what he said in his profile. That he had adult pics was another bonus. I think that it is great that you have a supportive family and an interest in Asian culture. My son is only 4 months old but he has an extended family including a half sibling that love him. I believe that as long as you identify with the donor in some way and the child is surrounded by love that is all that matters in the end. You will work the rest out. Good luck with your journey!
Thank you so much Sun. This actually does relieve a lot of my worry
Hi! Thanks for bravely letting us know a little bit about yourself and your journey.
I hate to not be able to leave a completely positive "go for it!" kind of response but honestly, it seems a little weird that you specifically sought out an Asian donor because of their looks. Unlike, sun12, who just happened to go for an Iranian donor because of their bio.
There is a lot of cultural "fetishization" over Asiatic countries like Korea, especially lately with the Hallyu wave. This may or may not affect your future child, but it is something I urge you to really deeply look into and honestly ask yourself if this could have affected your bias towards specifically seeking Asian donors and having a half-Korean baby.
There are a lot of articles and think-pieces out there written by half-Asian people about dealing with this sort of fetishization that are completely eye opening. I urge you to please give it a Google and fully educate yourself on this topic.
I know this isn't the answer you probably wanted to hear but I think you need to hear it. We're actually in very similar boats: I'm Latina, and my husband who's Asian really wants a donor of his same ethnic background, so our kids will also be half/half. The more you learn about the complexities and nuances of the half-Asian experience, the better a mom you can be for them!
No I definitely appreciate the honesty. I don’t want anyone to think it’s a fetishization thing and honestly there were so many choices I felt I HAD to narrow it down a little bit. I don’t like the idea that someone would think it was just because of that rather than the beautiful culture. Thank you for your input and I’ll definitely check this out .