To continue or not? Pros/cons?

EbbieEbbie Posts: 40
in Single Mothers by Choice
How did some of you single ladies decide to continue trying? I have always wanted a child, have been working on this for a year without success via IUI's and now ready to do donor egg/donor sperm. Recently, after unwelcome family interrogation, I have gotten so overwhelmed about being a single parent that I am not sure whether to proceed or not. Anyone else gotten so scared they were frozen in their decision on how to proceed? What is it really like as a single parent and do you ever regret you decision? Or are the challenges met with equal rewards? I have to tell my REI my decision on Monday since my donor is almost ready to stimulate. It's now or never for me. Thanks for any insight.

Comments

  • SweetthearttSweettheartt Posts: 373
    I have had 4 IUIs and each month it fails is another reevaluation is this what I really want? But I have always wanted to be a mother. The pure expense of donor eggs is huge. How much is it costing you? Why are you skipping trying ivf? I think a lot of whether to be a single mom is finances. Can you afford it and do you have the time to spend with your child? It really doesn't matter what family thinks unless you are planing on relying on them. Unless your family sees a trait in you that would not work well for being a single mom? Are you too needy? Reliant on others? Emotionally unstable? Another question is what do you have to offer a child? In the year before I went forward I asked myself the hard questions. I took the time to mourn that I am not making a baby with a man I'm in love with. But after much evaluation I just think I could offer a good life to my future child.
  • EbbieEbbie Posts: 40
    It is very expensive in addition to the costs I have already spent so it has drained the finances. Being the sole responsibility is the main concern. I believe I would be a very good mother and so do those i know. That isn't really the question. My family is just scared for me as a single parent, full time day care, etc. Due to my age/low ovarian reserve, my REI will not do IVF with my own eggs unfortunately. I have a great egg/sperm donor combo but the additional factor of not being a bio mother adds to the unknowns. I have studied epigenetics which is a very exciting field. Thanks for the feedback, Sweettheartt, I appreciate your thoughts.
  • jjr3jjr3 Posts: 79
    I am not a single mother but have many friends who are and also work in a school where there are lots of kiddos from single families. There is also some donor kiddos there from single moms. I will give you the cons first and I am going to be honest; it is hard. It is expensive and that is if your child is born without any special needs. If something were to happen to you then you would need to have a strong support network to care for your child. Also many of the kids I work with as a counselor are kids from single families. Kids do and will have questions and possible struggles. I work with one donor child who is in the third grade and has been making up stories to his classmates about having a dad. It is tough and he is struggling. He has a fabulous mom who I adore and think is doing a wonderful job. It just is what it is. I say all that not to discourage but to inform. Now I will say I know tons of wonderful kids and adults from single homes that are doing great. Do they report struggles ? Of course but they are well rounded wonderful people who love there mom immensely. Being a mother is worth the struggles. Just have a male in your life like an uncle brother or grandfather to provide that support and join a single mom's group to get support that way. If you predict the pitfalls and plan for them you will be just fine. *hug* don't let others discourage you! If you want this it will work out.
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    I know I am probably too late in responding, since it's late Monday, but please don't let them scare you. I am a single mom of a baby born at 23 weeks. It's hard. She gets therapy 5x a week, sees multiple specialists, and has a crazy schedule. But you work it out. I found an amazing day care who lets her therapists come there. My job has really worked with me to give me time off. It's hard, but so worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat...no hesitation. There will always be bills to pay and crazy schedules, but I love every minute of it. Seeing her try to crawl or eat cereal is so much fun. Seeing her smile is just amazing. Even if you decide this route is not for you, look into my adoption or other options if you want to be a mom. When I made the decision, I told myself that even if my family didn't support me, I wouldn't stop. I didn't want to be 80 years old in an nursing home and full of regret that I would never be a mom. We took a road trip this weekend to visit my sister and my baby cried for an hour and half in the car...screaming crying because she wanted out of her car seat. Still didn't regret it for one minute. Day care is expensive. Formula is expensive. But you work it out. You might have to cancel cable and stop eating out so much, or whatever, but you prioritize and work it out. I took on a second job where I work for a few hours a week. It's mostly on the computer and at home, so I do it after she's in bed. It works perfectly. Please don't give up because they say it's hard. It's worth every sacrifice. I'm actually considering going for number 2 next year:)
  • lookingforwardtobeingamotherlookingforwardtobeingamother Posts: 109
    Im the child of a single parent. I have five siblings. Did we struggle yes but there is no perfect life. I get so upset when people act like only married people are allowed to try and conceive. People get divorced; illness; alcoholism; abuse etc... The point is you never know what is going on behind closed doors. I am extremely spiritual and firmly believe where there is a will there is a way. Know as an adult I'm realizing that I had happier moments during my childhood than people from two parent homes. We had Sunday dinner every week. I used to always assume that everyone sat at a table and ate dinner. There are some families that don't even do that. The point is my siblings and I fight make up but at the end we are a family. This society is too consumed with appearances of perfect. It does not exist. Sorry about my rant but if you want and desire to be a mother I feel that every woman should try. Also, have you thought about adoption or do you want to carry a child even of its not biologically yours? Take care
  • jjr3jjr3 Posts: 79
    Well said SVQueen!
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Ebbie... I agree with what everyone said. I am a single mom who had a little one at 32 weeks 5 days. Has it been a struggle gosh yes but life is a struggle at times. I find it to be amazing my son is 13 months and I love every day that I am with him. I would do it all over again. I am also 44 years old and had him at 43. I am not having anymore due to doctors request due to how sick I was. I do have a ton of family support, I live with my folks right now, as I lost my job 3 weeks after my maternity leave. Best thing that happened to me. I struggle every day since I have no job and after living on my own for 20 plus years I live under my folks roof and under their rules. Not sure what you decided, but a child is a miracle no matter how he/she was conceived. As single moms we want them more and we put our bodies through a lot. Your child will be loved and yes they ask questions, but there are so many different types of homes today Single moms, single dads, 2 dads, 2 moms, grandparents. I don't think people question. I know a 50 year old grandma who is raising her granddaughter. She is amazing. Good luck with what ever you decide.
  • ellamonaellamona Posts: 41
    It WILL be difficult to be a single parent. But that doesn't mean that you can't be a fabulous mom!

    Don't let family bully you out of your dreams. This is YOUR life! YOU know if you can make it or not. Do some deep soul searching and follow your heart.

    You don't want to have regrets 10 years down the line.

    There are no guarantees in life. A married "perfect family" might end up in divorce, sickness, abuse. You might start off as a single mother, but bump into the man/woman of your dreams shortly thereafter and end up being a family of 3, 4, 5 who knows.

    Walk your way, hold your head up high. Be prepared for battle, but be respectful and courteous in your interactions with different opinions. Be humble. Be prepared for the extra challenges of single parenthood. Be proud of whatever YOU decide! And remember; YOU decide. Not society, not family, not expectations...
  • nisedmnisedm Posts: 87
    I say heck with what people think about single parenting and how you are becoming pregnant. I am more concerned with getting pregnant first then move on to all the parenting stuff late. One step at a time.
  • Hope45Hope45 Posts: 1
    I feel for you. I am not a single mom yet, but hoping after next week, I will be on my way with my own bundle of joy or two. :)

    If you can afford it, I say keep going. It's your dream and you know what is right for you. Nobody can tell you what is or isn't right for you. Sounds like you have some support from your family and they care about you so that in itself is great.

    I am doing this completely alone. No family support or contact with them, no friends' support, no significant other to help me. But I don't care. This has been my dream for many years and I don't have time until the planets align and I meet my prince charming, get married and have a baby. I am too old to wait another second.

    If being a mom is very important to you, I think you will find a way to work through whatever challenges being a single parent throws your way. I am sure it's not easy, but it's a lot harder to have regrets for rest of your life.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
  • EbbieEbbie Posts: 40
    Thank you everyone so much for all your comments and insight. Really really appreciate everyone's feedback. I did cancel the cycle I was set up for with the oocyte donor as I just had to process some more things. I originally had decided I would not continue if I canceled that cycle, but my doctor has encouraged me to still consider if I want. I had wanted the timing of that cycle so I wouldn't be another year older at delivery and now I will be if I proceed. Regardless, I have new insight on the process and no longer believe I would regret not continuing I just think it would be a lifelong grief process. I know I do want a child(ten), no question what my heart says, my mind just doesn't know. I am still trying to determine the path for me and daily considering my options. Scary process and I admire each of you and support you in your own journey! By the way, how do you find a single parent support group in your area?
  • SweetthearttSweettheartt Posts: 373
    I was the first one to respond to you. On my next cycle I got pregnant. Now that I am on the other side one still has the moments of "can I do this?" But I know I can I am very excited and I made the right decision. Check out meetup.com for single parent groups in your area.
  • cryo-admincryo-admin Posts: 4,547
    Hi Ebbie -

    You may also want to check out Choice Moms. The organization offers a number of helpful resources on their website including podcasts, discussion boards, and blogs.

    I've met some remarkable women that connected through this organization. Their journeys to motherhood were all very different and sometimes took unexpected turns.

    http://www.choicemoms.org/

    Best of luck to you,

    Nicole
    CCB
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Ebbie...

    I am glad that you are going to continue your journey. If you want to discuss anything further as I am a CHOICE MOM at 44 I am happy to talk to you off line. I have talked to many woman and have made amazing friends threw this journey. Feel free to email me off line at anissa_stern at yahoo. I will be happy to talk to you and give you any encouragement I can.
  • okkamommaokkamomma Posts: 8
    Hi there. Wanted to chime in here. I'm a single mother of a beautiful 3 year old boy and am here at CCB because I aim to give my son a sibling, as his father and I both are only children. All I can say is this - being a single parent I don't think is any different than having a partner and being a parent IF you are financially stable. That's kind of the key - or at least it has been for me. I feel very fortunate to be established in my career and was able to pay for a full time nanny that started working with me from the 3rd day that my son was born and is pretty much available all day and all night to me. I feel very fortunate, but I'm certain that's one of the reasons that being a single parent has been such a dream for me. I'm guessing that I would feel differently about the experience if I had to struggle financially.

    The gift of being a parent is somewhat indescribable, but honestly the most important, meaningful thing that I have ever done in my life. I actually LOVE being a single parent - mainly because I don't have to argue with a partner about how to parent...and right now I don't have to consider the feelings of another adult human in my house. My free time is all devoted to my son, which more than makes up for the fact that I work a full time job. And let's face it - parenting is hard whether you are partnered up, straight, gay - IT'S HARD. Financial burden aside, I don't think it's harder on one person than it is on two.

    I echo the sentiments of another on this board in saying - even if you are partnered up now - who is to say that the relationship will last? If you are ready now...then do it. But you really also need to assess your readiness. Where are you in your life? Stability is the key. Not just financial stability. Mental/Social stability is important too. Do you feel as if you have achieved your main life's goals, career wise? Travel wise? (It's gonna be hard to jet off on a spontaneous vacation for a little while...) Will you have to sacrifice your own goals to have the child? Are you OK with sacrificing time with your friends in order to be with your child? Will your friends not only understand, but support you? Be there to help? Also, consider that you'll be pregnant alone. How are you when you are sick and alone? Freaked out? Or OK taking care of yourself? That's a big one. It's kind of a head trip to be pregnant alone, but for me, I really felt as if it helped me bond so much more with my baby.

    I'm 43 and going for my 2nd as a single parent, with no partner in sight. That should tell you how much I love the experience!!!!

    Good luck to all of the single mamas here on this board. Know that you have at least one enthusiastic supporter here!!!
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