Newbie needs help making decisions

Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
in Single Mothers by Choice
I was wondering if there is anyone out there willing to share how they came to making the decision to get pregnant on their own?

I am 36 years old and am single. I got out of a relationship 7 months ago and can't stop thinking about having a baby. I don't feel like there is time to meet someone new, fall in love, get married and have a baby. Is it ok to think I could have a baby on my own and work on the husband part afterward? I have been reading a lot of things on this website and find a lot of it very encouraging but just don't know what to do. This is a huge decision and just wonder how others have come to conclusion that this is the way to go for them.

Thanks!

Comments

  • olearyeolearye Posts: 65
    Hi, welcome to the group! Personally I have always wanted a baby and when my last relationship ended I knew the time
    Was now to have a baby. I too felt that I wasn't ready to date and didn't want to wait many more years to hopefully find someone, get married and then start a family. I have always thought to myself that having a baby on my own may be in my cards.

    I agree it is a little unconventional to some people but you have to do what you feel is right, for me it was creating my happiness, creating my family. I have had nothing but outpouring support from family, friends and co workers. I am now pregnant with a little boy and actually due in 3 weeks and I am so excited to start my life with him.

    I hope this helps a little and good luck!!!
  • Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
    Thanks! That does help. I have always wanted to be a Mom and have a family but I haven't been able to find the right guy to start a family with. My family seems very supportive of this decision if I want to go through with it, but I don't have any family in my immediate area so that concerns me a bit. Although my Mother has offered to move in with me! YIKES! :)

    I have a great career and work for a very good company so money isn't an issue for me and I think I am strong enough to do this on my own, it's just making the decision to move forward with it and see a doctor!

    Can you tell me how long or how many tries it took you to get pregnant?

    I appreciate the advice and sharing your thought process!
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Hopeful....

    Here is my story. I was in a relationship that was going no where, but we had an oops moment. I got pregnant and 10 weeks later I had a miscarriage. It made me start to evaluate if I wanted to have kids. I went and had a bunch of tests. Mentioned it to my folks and they were like we will write you the check for the sperm. I let the topic drop and 18 months later decided I was ready. I was 42 when I got pregnant. I purchased my sperm in Dec 11 and by Feb 12 I was pregnant.

    I will say that I was lucky to get pregnant right away with no medications no nothing. I had been going for acupuncture a lot and prepping my body for this journey.

    I to had a great job and no family around me. My entire family lived 1500 miles away. Due to complications, I had Preeclampsia and HELLP, I was out of work for 4 1/2 months. My son was born 2 months early and is almost a year old. I cannot believe it. Time really flies. I went back to work when he was a little over 4 months old.

    3 weeks later I lost my job and have since moved in with my folks in FL. It is not an ideal situation right now but I am in the process of looking for a job, a house and friends.

    There is no good time you will find to do it. So my advice is bite the bullet.

    After I told my friends that I was pregnant, they were so excited. They told me I did it the right way, I don't have to share him with anyone, no one else will fight you on how to raise your child.

    I will not say it is easy, it is not, it is a challenge but a rewarding one. When he first woke up in the middle of the night how can you get mad at that smiling face looking up at you. Doing things or going out can be a challenge especially as they get older. They don't sleep when you want them to. Showering gets inventive, you find ways to do things that you didn't do before.

    I love my son with all my heart and wouldn't change it for the world. Hope this helps. If you have more questions, ask them. I do stalk the boards and will give advice when I can. Just remember it is a journey and not necessarily an easy one.
  • a_walton2a_walton2 Posts: 236
    Hello hopefulnewbie and welcome. I to have chosen to be a single mom. It's not that have not been trying, it just never happened. I do not want to wait for Mr. Right any more. I had decide 3 years ago that is was going to start my family regardless of if I'm married or in a relationship. Last year was my year to start this journey on my own.

    I have a wonderful support system. My mom/ brother live close by, which is great. Not to close and not to far : ) Friends are here when I need them.

    I am on IUI #3. IUI #1 BFN, IUI #2 BFP-mc (cp). They say it could take up to 3-4 times. I am hoping to get another BFP and to have it stick.

    The women on here are very supportive and very knowledgable. Use us when you need to. Hope this helps. GL.
  • Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
    Thank you for the support and telling me your stories. I don't have any friends who are feeling the way I am. Sometimes I get this look like I am absolutely crazy! But I have always wanted a child.

    My brother told me that I am doing the child a disservice by not having a father around but I feel like you, Annisa, nobody can tell me how to raise my child if there isn't a dad! And I have gotten the, it will be difficult, no sleep, struggle thing but I know I can handle it! I do worry about that moment when you have to tell them why they don't have a daddy....

    While I have been healing and trying to date (unsuccessfully) after my break up, I have been doing research and reading every inch of this site!! I am also loosing weight and have talked to my Chiro about acupuncture since that seems to help. So, while I continue to mull this over, I am not wasting energy or my time!

    By the way, do you only get one insemination per vial that you purchase??

    Thanks again for your sharing your experiences!! Good luck GL!!
  • NinasthinkingNinasthinking Posts: 10
    Hey Newbie!

    I'm in your shoes, 37 very single, well educated with a great career and I am tired of waiting on Mr. Right to come along. I realized that I want to become a mom more than a wife right now, and that it's time to make that happen. I spent a lot of time talking to family and friends to hear their thoughts, I put myself in therapy to work out the "am I really okay letting go of meeting Mr. Right for right now and taking on the challenge of raising a child without a father" and what also helped me make the decision was a book by Jane Mattes called "Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook For Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood" the author proposes 10 really good questions to help you process this decision and think through all of the considerations of becoming a SMC. Best of luck to you!
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Hopeful... People will tell you they like to give you "advice". if there is a dad or not. We take it what applys and leave out what doesn't. I have been very fortunate in the almost year since he was born. That advice has been shushed. My folks think and for that matter most of my friends, think wow she is doing an amazing job. Probably helps that I am unemployed at the moment, but I did it all worked, raised him and did the stuff that I needed to do.

    The only advice I will offer, is while going through the process don't share with a lot of people that you are doing it (Ie Friends and family). I shared with my SIL who helped me pick out the donor and that was it. I was disappointed with my BFN the first month and I did not have a lot of people asking me well what happened well are you?

    This is a great support group, everyone on here knows what you are going through, so VENT, complain yell what ever you need to here, it helps a lot.

    We are a supportive group of woman.

    Good luck and lots of sticky baby dust.
  • olearyeolearye Posts: 65
    Hi. So I was also very fortunate to get pregnant my first IUI without any medication but they do say to expect 3-4 attempts before getting a BFP. As far as your question on the vial, you can order as many as you want and they store them for a fee until you say how many and when to ship them. It is just one insemination per vial, very small amount. 0.5 ml but packed with swimmers. Some people attempt with just one vial during their peak ovulation day and others try two vials and do an insemination two days in a row, that is something you can talk to your doctor about. I chose to just do the one day because I had to have it shipped overnight cause my cycle was so irregular.

    As far as people saying you are doing a disservice by not having a father, I believe that there are many mixed families out there and what is "normal" for one family is not necessarily normal for another. When it comes down to it love is love. I have family members and close male friends who I know will be role models and if mr right come around then great. But as someone else said earlier you don't have to worry about custody and co parenting, it is your values that you will be teaching your child. And like the other ladies have said, this is a great support system so we are all here for you.
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    I am also 36 and single. For me, it was a pretty easy decision. I always knew I wanted kids. I also knew that I couldn't wait much longer to start having them. I knew I needed to start if I wanted to have more than one because age is a factor. So, I did all my research and told my family. They were super excited and supportive. I do worry about my daughter not having a dad, but I am really lucky to have 2 great guy friends in my life. I have been best friends with one since high school and the other is her babysitter's husband. I know they will be there for any father/daughter dances or issues. They love her. I know it's not the same, but it will be her "normal". I also plan to be very open with her about the circumstances of her birth. I am in contact with 2 of her donor siblings, so that part of her life will not be just a question mark. She will have some contact with her paternal side if she's interested in knowing about them.
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    And I forgot to mention that I only considered open donors. That was a big factor for me. I wanted her to have the option of contacting the donor later in life. I know everyone feels different on that topic, but it was worth the extra money for me to leave that door open for her. You have to decided what is right for you family.
    It's not easy. My twins were born at 23 weeks. I was on bedrest for a week prior. My son passed away after 17 hours. My daughter spent 4 months in the hospital. I was released and readmitted for an infection in my incision. It was not an easy road. I went back to work at 6 weeks. I would work all day and stay at the hospital from 5-10pm each night. I have supportive friends and family, but my family lives 2 hours away so I was on my own in the NICU most of the time. She's home and getting up at night and working all day is hard. She also has physical therapy and speech therapy a few times a week. Day care is expensive. Medical bills are expensive. But I would do it all again without hestitation to bring my little fighter into this world. She's amazing. Her smiles are amazing. And even with all we have been through, I am thinking of doing it all over again to try for #2 next year.
  • Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
    OMG - you guys are the best! I am learning so much by talking to you and hearing your stories. I'm so sorry Austingurl that you had such an emotional experience and that you lost a baby. I definitely think this will be difficult.

    I have two good things going for me...my job is awesome - they let a co-worker of mine work part time from home for 2 years after she had premature twins and I currently make enough money to support myself and a baby since I have always focused on my career over finding a man!

    One more question for now - do you go to a OBGYN doctor for this or to a fertility doctor? Since I've never tried to get pregnant, I have no idea if I have any fertility issues.

    Thanks ladies!
  • a_walton2a_walton2 Posts: 236
    Since age is a factor, after age 35 and no baby, after 6 months of ttc, go to an RE. Me, I took it upon myself to go straight to an RE. My insurance is good on that part. She is in my network so I did not have to get a referral. Good thing I did. Do not waste your time going through an OBGYN. If you do not need a referral, go straight to an RE. That is just my opinion. I did not want to waste any more time to start my family.

    The RE will run all blood test, x-rays, any labs you will need and give you answers. An OBGYN will do the same, just not as in depth.

    RE-Reproductive Endocrinologist
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    I went to my OB/GYN. I have had the same one for over 10 years. I love him. It took 6 tries for me to get my twins. After 6 months of infertility, my insurance covers IVF. Being single, it took 6 IUIs to prove 6 months of infertility. If that IUI hadn't worked, I would have gone to an RE to explore IVF. I actually had already met with him because I didn't want to waste anytime, so I met with him before I tested.
    I would start by looking at your insurance and seeing what they cover. Do you need a referral for an RE? Will insurance cover any testing or treatments? My OB was able to bill some of my initial testing under by PCOS diagnosis. Then I switched jobs and my new insurance covered everything. Also, when I started injectibles, the insurance would cover the meds but I had to get them through a very specific pharmacy. Starting at insurance is probably the best option to see what will work.
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    hopeful...

    Go to an RE if you are in the Boston area, I have an OB/GYN that does inseminations. I liked the midwife's better than him, but who doesn't like a woman usually better. He was fine and really ince, he just wanted woman to get pregnant. He is really well known in the Boston area,, I did not know that until after I got pregnant.

    Good luck, talk to your OB she may do it or recommend someone. Mine did (not the office that got me pregnant) but still.

    Ask lots of questions. My insurance covered nothing, I think after 6 months of infertility it would have but who knows.

    It is expensive and I would do it all again but the doctors have told me that I would be just as sick as I was with Hunter and I would have another infant in the NICU. That would not be fair to him. So maybe some day I will adopt, who knows right now I am happy with him.

    Good luck.
  • lookingforwardtobeingamotherlookingforwardtobeingamother Posts: 109
    I think the greatest thing in life is becoming a parent. Nothing is ever perfect and that goes for single and married couples. I work as an oncology nurse and watch people die all the time. Don't mean to sound like a hallmark card but truly family is the most important thing. I think every women deserves a chance at pregnancy. So go for it!!! Good luck
  • Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
    I think I will talk to my GP and see what she recommends. i know my insurance covers a RE without referrals. I actually work in the benefits dept of my company and know exactly how insurance will work! But definitely something to be aware of before going through this since it could get very expensive!

    Thanks for all of the help! You are all making this decision so much easier! :-)

    Good luck to all of us!!! Happy baby making and parenting!! :-)
  • Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
    Hey... How many vials do you normally start with???
  • DelenaCDelenaC Posts: 1
    This is my first time reading/writing on the board. Its wonderful to read all the stories. I like many of the women decided to do the single mom thing. When I turned 39 and still hadn't met the "prince" I moved forward.

    I went straight to an RE for a consult. It was a great experience really. He laid it all out and told me all the options and did all the fertility tests so I knew exactly where I stood.

    I bought 3 vials and hoped for the best. I didn't use any fertilty drugs, I wanted to see if I could do it without them. The RE was shocked when it took the first time. So I still have 2 vials and haven't decided if I'm going for a second child.

    I now have a beautiful baby girl and I kick myself for not doing this earlier. It'll change your life. Its wonderful. I don't have family that lives close by and I was concerned with all the things the ladies have written about. But I do have a great support system with friends and my family (although far way).

    Good luck to all, wish you the best.
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    I bought six vial. My thought was that it takes average of 3 tries. I thought I would use 3 for baby 1 and have some left over for baby 2. Oddly enough, it took all six to get baby 1. Now, my donor is retired and has no vials left. To reactivate him, it costs $1500 plus the cost of vials, so my daughter will probably not get a full sibling. Something to think about if you want more than 1. It's not a huge deal to me that they have the same donor, but it would have been nice.
  • Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
    WOW - that is good to know austingurl! Definitely something to consider. I saw that the bank buys back vials if you have left over but they only give you 50% of your money back which I think is stupid since it probably won't ever leave their facility....but it's a business, so that is life.

    My gut reaction is to say that it would be nice to have left over for a sibling but like you, I'm not sure its mandatory to have the same donor, ideal, but not the end of the world either if I didn't.

    I can't tell you all how much help you have been. I feel like I am really getting a lot of useful information from your experiences and now I just need to bite the bullet and see a doctor. I did find several RE's in my area and one that is really close by to where I live and work, so I might start there. I have also been losing weight the last few months to try to get my body in a good and healthy place before going down this road. My Mom thinks it won't be hard to get pregnant - she says that our family is very fertile, gee I hope she is right! haaaa! But you never know what will happen....

    Thank you all again! I'm so glad I made this decision to reach out to you all on this bulletin board!
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    Hey ladies!
    Hopeful, here is my story.
    Same as you, same as many. Something in me always kinda knew that having children on my own would happen. As early as 20 years old I told my parents that if I wasn't married or had no hopefuls, I would be artificially inseminated. They'd laugh. But really what it did was not make them freak out when I told them at 33 I was going to do it.
    String of failed relationships. I feel I put on Earth to be a mother. I weighed a ton of pros and cons. I spoke with my parents and my close friends. EVERY girl friend was all for it...some of their husbands were totally against it. They felt a child needs a father. to which I tell them, just because I make a baby with someone does not mean that man will stay in their life! I know many many many single mothers, NOT BY CHOICE! so what is worse? Telling your child that I wanted you so badly I made this decision and your biological father is a man that wanted to help women like me out to make my dream come true....OR....you're dad walked out on us, and I can't answer why. OR my favorite piece of advice...why pay to get inseminated? Go into a bar and have a one night stand....okkkk chances of catching a disease are WAY higher than getting pregnant! And again, not the best conversation...sorry sweetie, I don't know your dad, he was a random guy I picked up in a bar!

    I did choose an open donor, because if they decide they want to look for him, they have the choice.

    I started talking to my OB about it when I turned 30...at first she told me I have time, don't rush it. Every year she'd ask me if I was ready yet. Finally when I was 33 she said, ok so how's the love life? Any thoughts of what we've been talking about? I said yes and I'm ready. She said ok, here is the information I've been saving for you. She gave me info on an RE and I made the appt for my 34th bday.

    I had my appt Friday, Saturday night I went to dinner with a group of girl friends, I had my donor choices printed out and let them all look at the pictures and read the bios and they voted on which donor I should use. All but 1 chose the same donor...which is the one I was leaning toward. And HE is the one I used!

    My first month I tested to make sure I ovulated, we did blood work and my progesterone levels were low. So we decided to make the most of it, we'd do a round of Clomid. One pill a day for 3 days. No biggie.

    I bought one vial of sperm. Because of money and because I figured if it didn't work the first time, I'd buy another vial. I saved a certain amount to give it 3 tries...and I didn't want to pay for storage and then lose the cost of selling it back.

    So my initial consultation was October 5....I had my IUI on November 8. 2 weeks later I got a BFP and on Thanksgiving I announced it to my family because I could not keep it a secret! haha!

    My family and close friends knew that I was doing it. However, only 2 people knew exactly when. I told everyone I'd let them know when I was pregnant. Because I didn't want the constant questions and extra stress of "are you pregnant yet?" So my best friend and my cousin knew...they came to my appointments with me.

    Very relaxed atmosphere at the dr office, not like a dr office at all. It is actually an old Southern Plantation house turned into a dr office (I live in New Orleans). We all joked and laughed.

    Twins runs in my family, plus the Clomid...I did get pregnant with twins. They were born at 29 weeks 5 days...2 boys. One was overall healthy, just needed to grow and came home at 5 weeks old. The other one has respiratory issues, he has had 2 surgeries, he is coming home in 11 days!!!!!!! that day will make 99 days in NICU. He will come home on oxygen and have a gtube, but all of that is temporary and he will be completely healthy and live a healthy normal life and do everything his brother can do.

    NOTHING before May 20, 2013 matters to me in life anymore. the day they were born my life began! All the drama, bs, tears...allll erased!!!! It has been a long road, we still have a little stretch in front of us. But this is the BEST decision of my life and I wouldn't change anything for the world!!!! My sons are perfect! they are my entire life, world and heart.

    Any man that can't accept my children, is not the man for me.

    I have not given up on finding love. I dated a few guys while I was pregnant. they all knew I was pregnant, no big deal. Hell, I was dating a guy that was very supportive while I was trying to get pregnant.

    I am not thinking of dating right now. If I meet someone randomly, great. But I'm not out looking for it. I figure it will happen, when it happens. My life isn't like the Jennifer Lopez movie like everyone said it would be. LOL!

    Everyone is right...I have no one to tell me how to raise my boys, no one to argue with me or undermine me, no one to compromise with on my rules. Except my parents...but all grandparents are crazy! LOL! I am very fortunate that I have very close family and friends. My dad is retired and will watch them while I'm at work. I went back to work after my 12 weeks of FMLA and he watches the one at home while I work. My mom took FMLA so she could help until the other one gets out of the hospital. Her and my dad switch up staying home with one and visiting the other in NICU. I go straight to NICU when I get off. We've had very very long days the last 3 months.

    I was breast pumping, didn't make enough for both boys...so the sick one got it all. HATE pumping!!!! When he was past the crucial stage I weaned off. As soon as I came back to work, I did get a prescription of Xanax to help relax me because it is very very stressful. I was with him 8 hours a day...no I see him 2 hours a day. Thankfully the NICU he is in has webcams and I can watch him 24 hours a day and always know what he is doing. The dr and nurses are the best...they all sent me friend requests on fb and they nurses fight over who is going to take care of him everyday.

    I think I have told you my whole story. It's a long one. I hope it helps.

    If you ever want to chat, feel free to email me or facebook me.

    m_prestwood@yahoo.com
  • Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
    Thanks Melissa for sharing your story with everyone! I think the thing that worries me the most is having a baby or twins early...I don't have any family in my area and I think that would be the hardest thing to go through emotionally. But, I will pray that won't happen but you never know...there are so many unknowns about this process which is nerve racking!

    Thanks again!
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    It is hard to go thru, but if God didn't think we could handle it, he wouldn't give us the challenge.

    I pray that no one ever has to go thru it. I remind myself everyday that my man will be completely healthy soon, and it could be so much worse.

    Good luck! You can't let fear stop you...there is never a "perfect" time to do it. Money, fear, life....there will always be a reason not to...but the main reason to do it... A BEAUTIFUL CHILD THAT YOU WILL NEVER REGRET!
  • a_walton2a_walton2 Posts: 236
    Melissa I could not have said it better. We all need to remember that throughout all these processes.
    How are the boys doing? How are you doing?
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    They boys are doing great. Evan is a big fat fatty, living the life at home. If things go as planned, Nicky will be home next Tuesday! He'll be on oxygen for a few months, so we'll be quarantined...but he'll be home!!!! I am more than happy to lock the doors and spoil the hell out of both of my boys alone!!!!
  • Babyin2014Babyin2014 Posts: 63
    Hi Hopefulnewbie,

    I waited and prayed for years for "Mr. Right" to come along. Then in March, I had a nervous breakdown after my 42nd birthday. All of a sudden, it dawned on me: "I'm getting old. I don't have Mr. Right. I'm never going to have a baby."

    After a few days of crying and feeling completely hopeless, I decided that it was time to stop and to start doing something to get what I wanted. That's when I started looking into becoming a mom on my own.

    Fast forward to May and I'm meeting with my RE for the first time. In early June I had my first IUI and got a BFN. Second IUI at the end of June resulted in a pregnancy! I'm due on March 22.

    This is the best decision I've ever made. I just can't imagine my life without being a mom.

    When I picked the donor, I decided first that I wanted an open donor so that my child would have the option of at least one contact with his/her biological father. Then I looked for someone who looked like me so that my child would have the best chance of looking like me. After that, it was intelligence, the essays and other impressions.

    Best of luck to you and to all the other women here. Baby dust to everyone.

    Amy, 42
    IUI #1 BFN, IUI #2 BFP, due March 22
  • lookingforwardtobeingamotherlookingforwardtobeingamother Posts: 109
    Thank you Austin girl I was wondering if I should by extra.
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    The funny thing about reactivation is that it's $1500 per family. Me and another halfsie mom were both thinking of trying again next summer, so we thought maybe we could split the cost. Nope. Even though everything would be done at the same time (locating him, testing, ect), it's still $1500 per family. So, I wish now I had bought more in the beginning, but even buying 6 vials was a huge expense. I did call after my daughter was born and there was 1 vial left for siblings because they usually put some back for that purpose. But, it was no longer available when I was ready to purchase it. Like I said, it would have been nice to have the same biological makeup, but I can live without it. Shoot, $1500 would be two more vials and tries with another donor:)
  • Gina777Gina777 Posts: 16
    Hey everyone!

    I scheduled a consultation today!! This is the first, big step towards making a baby! Appointment isn't for a few weeks but I am excited.

    Hopefulnewbie (Gina)
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