Any advice??

marierae79marierae79 Posts: 3
in LGBTQ+ Couples
My partner and I have been together for 7 years, and have now decided to take the leap into motherhood. My partner, unfortunately, had to have a hysterectomy a few years ago, so I will be carrying our child.

I have been doing a lot of the research on donors, going through the catalogs, etc... My partner says things like, "I trust you," but I have made sure to include her in this process as much as possible. It's hard for her knowing that she won't biologically be a part of the baby.

We've tried once already (BFN), and are getting ready for our second try. Somehow the subject of "identity release" came up, and we found ourselves, passionately, on opposite sides of the subject. I'm for it, and she's against it.

She said to me, "...nothing with you will ever change." Meaning I will always be the mother (biologically). I think she's against it because she thinks it will somehow make her the third wheel. I understand where she's coming from, but I also feel that it's important for that to be an option for our child (when they're grown).

I know that this is something we will figure out together, but I would certainly appreciate any advice from couples who have been in this situation.

Thank you!

Comments

  • BabyMakes3BabyMakes3 Posts: 19
    Maybe ask her to think of it from the child's perspective. Does she think it should be her choice, or yours, or the child's as to whether they can ever find out about their biological heritage?

    And you can comfort her that there's no way she'll be a third wheel after 18 years of parenthood. I think my partner felt the same way for a little while in our search process, but we both came around to the idea that we'd like to leave the option open for our child, not foreclose it.

    Also, maybe talk to other parents who have used a donor or adoptive parents. From friends we've learned that the non-bio parent is "all in" sometime between the BFP and cutting the cord. At the very latest, by the time your partner holds her baby, she will probably forget what the third wheel anxiety even felt like - she will be a parent. Complete responsibility + day-to-day interaction is greater than genetic connection.
  • Libster15Libster15 Posts: 5
    Hey,

    Well I have a similar case to yours, however, my partner cannot carry because of cancer. She was told by the dr. to wait at least two years before trying to have children. So we decided that I would carry.

    When it came to "identity release" luckily (for me), unfortunately (for her friends), she has a couple of friends who were adopted and they have really struggled not knowing about their parents. It is because of this that she decided she would never hinder our child's well being. Saying that, we still have a lot of discussion revolving around our baby.

    The best advice I can give you is just sit and talk with her. Assure her that no matter what, the baby that you are carrying is your baby, you will love it, you will feed and care for it, and most importantly as parents you will do what is in the best interested of the child. Your partner may not be the birth mother, but that does not make her any less of a mom. Period.

    That is my two cents.
  • justus32323justus32323 Posts: 8
    My partner and I started the process last September and I am currently 23 weeks pregnant. Because of my partner's job, it was never an option for her to carry. I was given some really great advice to let her make the choice of the donor. I always had veto power but did not use it. It really made her feel like a major part of this process and it was very interesting to find out what was important to her (like the donor having the same blood type as her). Ultimately we chose an open donor, which was her choice. It was hard for me to step back and not make the decision because I tend to make all the household decisions but it was the best thing I did. We have not had an issue with her not feeling 100% apart of this pregnancy.
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