Dating and TTC

JulietDTRJulietDTR Posts: 19
in Single Mothers by Choice
I hope to get some advice on this issue and I welcome anyone's thoughts on this.

I'm 35 years old, went through endometriosis, fibroids, and difficult surgeries to treat it. I've been TTC since May and I did go through some hurdles from out of wack hormones (from some odd reason, mabe it was stress) to finally having good follicles. Well after a trial of bcps, trigger shots, and two IUIs, they worked! I had two pregnancies, but they were both chemical pregnancies.

Well, in the meantime while I was trying, I met someone who I think is wonderful about two months ago. We have not been intimate, I want to stay that way. I haven't told him I'm trying. In fact, I pretend I don't like the subject of babies or pregnancy. I've dated a lot of jerks in my life and I've waited years for a commit, leaving me disappointed.

For me, I'd rather be a mother first than work it out. I don't want to give it another chance of years to find out if I can or can't get pregnant 'with the one'. My RE wants to put through IVF instead of going through another IUI to make it work.

I'm just wondering if I should tell this guy now to give him an option to run, before my belly starts to get big and I have to explain. I already foresee what I'm going to say it's going to be like a Mac truck hitting him! What do you think?

Comments

  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    I thought it would a difficult conversation to have, and it really isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

    A few weeks before my initial appointment I started talking to someone that I haven't seen in 15 years. Someone I NEVER thought of dating, EVER. But we both have changed since we knew eachother so many years ago and we have this crazy chemistry. A week after we started talking I just told him. He was shocked, but mainly because he thought I didn't have kids because I didn't want them. He has 2 kids himself. He has been so supportive. The night before my first appointment he stayed on the phone with me all night when I was so nervous I couldn't sleep. He asks me updates about every appointment I have.

    I have always felt that if a man can not handle my decision or is going to run, then he is definitely not the man for me.

    Like I told him...#1 it takes the pressure off of trying to rush into a relationship because I'm not trying to see immediately if this is "the one". #2 he knows I'm not looking for a baby daddy or anyone to support me, so it takes the pressure off of him. I think that is why it has been easy with him, because I am not putting the pressure on myself and I'm going with the flow. It is definitely slow moving, and I like it that way.

    I hope my story helps you.
  • JulietDTRJulietDTR Posts: 19
    Thank you so much melissa! Your story is very helpful! Very inspiring for me!

    I know this guy is very understanding and I like that about him. He is definitely different than the other guys I've dated and talked to in the past. He even says the other guys were jerks and he wants to treat me better. Sends me a text every morning to brighten my day. Interestingly enough, he dated older women (one who was almost ten years than him and who had five kids).

    I've always wanted to do it the right way, get married and then have kids. I'm just glad and reassured from your story that that other men are open to it too. I agree, it does take the pressure off of them. I guess I was just concern if others see us dating and get the wrong idea once my belly starts to become bigger.

    Have you and your beau ever talk about marriage?
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    Marriage to eachother? NOOOO!! hahahah! I've learned to run away from guys who move too fast too soon. LOL! But it is something that we both want. He has 2 kids, and does want more. We are taking it very slow. Actually right now we are pretty much keeping it friends because we both have so much going on, I don't want the added stress of a man. LOL. Hopefully soon enough we can move forward.

    I have connected with another SMBC on here, she is pregnant and is dating someone that she met after she started her journey and he is the same way, very supportive and happy for her.

    If he is a good man, he will support you. Best to find out now that way you don't get your heart broken.

    I've always dreamed of the white picket fence, husband and big family too...but life doesn't turn out as we plan. Who cares what other people think, if they see you pregnant and this it is his. Someone will always have negative things to say, eff them! LOL!

    Let me know if you have the conversation with him and his response. :)
  • JulietDTRJulietDTR Posts: 19
    So true! I like you melissa! Nice and spunky!

    I agree, I tend to run away from guys who move too fast too!

    I will let him know this weekend as a sit and talk. I told my father today and he was so excited and supportive, I was surprised.

    Thanks! I'll let you know!
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    LOL! Thanks spunky sounds way nicer than what I'm usually called. hahaha!

    That is awesome about your father. My parents are very supportive, they are beyond ready to have another grandchild. Since my first appointment they have remodeling their house to get ready for the baby. They plan on having him/her more than me. hahaha!

    Let me know his reaction. Good luck :)
  • JulietDTRJulietDTR Posts: 19
    Well...I've been trying to tell him. But, so far it's been bad timing for that weekend. We met at a local mall near me about an hour before the stores were closing. So, I thought...bad timing now. He had to leave by 7pm. And, I was already exhausted driving an hour from Philly, got home 1:30 in the AM (from a friend's baby shower (that's another story of itself - who plans a baby shower at 9pm-2am?!?).

    Then for this past weekend, I told him to meet me because I'm on-call and I can't leave the vicinity in case I have to run out. And, we still haven't met. So, I finally told him...we have to meet in person. I don't think it's fair for me to talk about it over the phone. I'd rather say it face to face. I'll still keep you posted.
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    Yeah, what kind of baby shower is that??? Sounds like something my younger party friends would do. LOL.

    Let me know when it happens, it's good that you guys are still talking though.
  • AggieDeAggieDe Posts: 32
    Juliet...any luck with the dating and the whole process?

    Melissa and I have connected and shared stories. It's definately a big help to have the support of others while going through this experience.

    It was really hard telling this new guy that I was seeing that I was pregnant. We had truly started talking right after I had my 1st IUI. I figured, no harm, no foul because it shouldn't work on the 1st try...well, I was wrong. So at just over 2 weeks of knowing each other, I told him. I was just very up front and he was excited. It surprised me that he was so supportive but he told me to never worry about what a man thought of my decision because he thought it was amazing. So far, he has been WAY supportive and caring.

    Now, my ex that I was still friends with was another story and he was hateful about it. So, it just depends on the guy. I would say, be honest with yourself and the guy if you want to have a real chance at a relationship. It's a wonderful albeit HUGE decision!

    Good luck and we are here for you!
  • gullivergalgullivergal Posts: 4
    This whole chain is so comforting to me and i thank each of you ladies for sharing your story. I'm 39 and in the very beginning stages of IVF - bloodwork, HCG, etc. I am choosing the baby daddy sperm within the next couple of weeks with a first implantation towards end of January.

    Needless to say, being single and going through this is an interesting experience. I have a couple of new "meets" planned and wondered if I should cancel. Based on reading your posts I think I'm going to keep them. You never know what the future holds so....here goes!

    Juliet - did you tell him? How did it turn out?

    Angel
  • JulietDTRJulietDTR Posts: 19
    So....I should tell you all, I finally told him. And, interestingly to know he is very supportive like you all said. In fact, he said to me, "so I heard when you are pregnant, you are going to want lots of sex because your hormones go all crazy". "Oh, great!" (with a voice of sarcasm) was my reply. But, the thought in my head said 'Slow your roll buddy!' No, but he is very supportive about it. He talks about it everyday and is looking forward to Lamaze class. He is a great guy!

    I just had my implantation yesterday on 12/21/12 with the ultrasound time at 2:10. I may be supersititious, but for me I hope it's a good sign. I had two good blastocysts waiting for me so in a split second I decided to take two of them for implantation. So, hopefully I will have twins by late August.
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    That is so awesome.

    And congratulations and good luck. Sending lots of baby dust!!!!
  • Tomigrl5Tomigrl5 Posts: 132
    I am 35 and also single. I am also in the early stages of AI, hope to inseminate by end of January. I was just "talking" to a guy who was supposed to be coming to town in a couple days. I have known him for years, and just thought I should be upfront with him. Well, I told him my plans, he acted like he was cool with it and now I have not heard from him in 2 weeks. But, the way I look at it, it is best to weed him out now. If he cannot deal with the idea I am doing this, then how would he take it when I said, "hey, i am pregnant!"
  • AggieDeAggieDe Posts: 32
    Let me just say that being upfront is the best...I said earlier that I had found a man that was SO supportive and great about it when I was upfront and honest. He never blinked an eye when I told him about my AI and everything. But a couple weeks ago....apparently, the reality hit him. He just up and stopped calling, texting, wouldn't answer calls, texts, emails, NOTHING. When I finally fronted him out and asked him what was going on, he told me "It's all becoming too REAL for him and that he just realized that my life was drastically about to change." DUH!! You knew that when I said I was pregnant. Apparently, the change in my body and then seeing the ultrasound where my Lil Bit looked like an actual baby and not a "blob" freaked him out and he didn't know what to do.

    So...needless to say, he is no longer in the picture and I have decided not to date any longer. I need to focus on me and baby and keeping us both healthy and happy. I don't need the stress or the drama that a man can bring. Sadly, the man is not what will make me happy in life, but my Lil Bit will be my world and that's what I want more than anything.

    I'm not trying to be discouraging to anyone but I truly thought this man was very mature and adult and understanding, when he was really fronting and I guess hoping that I didn't change?? It broke my heart and I am very bitter that I even wasted the time but it made me realize that a man can't be the priority now.

    I wish you all luck with your dating, AI, etc...being pregnant and seeing the ultrasounds of the little one are SO amazing that the man just fades into the background. Keep your girlfriends, family and those that love and support you whole heartedly very close. They are what will get you through this. No man at this point can do that. And to all you wonderful ladies....just know that this board brings us all closer and we ALL have a very strong support groups throughout the world that others don't get the opportunity to have during pregnancy :)

    Merry Christmas Ladies and here's to a happy and healthy new year! Much love.....Deana
  • Tomigrl5Tomigrl5 Posts: 132
    Amen, AggieDe!
  • JulietDTRJulietDTR Posts: 19
    I'm sorry to report....but I just miscarried the babies at 5 weeks. I was very devastated and upset when I went in for my bloodwork and my ultrasound. I went in there telling the technician "I can just tell that it's not right. I don't feel the same as I did before". It's jut that feeling, I can't explain it.

    Once, I went in for my ultrasound and we didn't see a yolk sac, everything they said to me was like a blurr. Going into work was hard. It was ironic that I could feel myself miscarrying the ride into work that morning and by the end of the day it started full bloom. I had to pretend on the outside that everything is fine when inside I feel the actual pain and it turns to be emotional stabbing.

    I'm emotionally exhauted from all of this. I could hear my fertility specialist scratching his head. He is very perplexed by all of this and doesn't understand why I have no problem getting pregnant, but staying pregnant. He has made himself available for me to talk. My father is giving me some time to myself. My guy is so supported, he keeps saying 'babe, you are so hard on yourself!' and checks on me frequently. Finally, a man who is so supportive!

    I feel like the devil has been whispering in my ear the whole day with a grin, telling me how I am less than a woman, how this is why I've been single the whole time, how I did this to myself. But, I refused to listen. I think of how long I came in my life. Yeah, I've postponed things in my life. Yeah, I've wished I could of stayed pregnant. But, I know when I finally become pregnant and have my children, they are going to be the most loved in the world.

    I've realized now my uterus will not let a child grow with a big ball of anxiety. I'm going to take some time off. I'm going to visit some friends I've always said I'm going to spend some more time with, and with family. Plus, do some things that I've always wanted to do. I'm also going to enjoy my birthday in March on vacation, going to Maui.

    But, I'm still not going to give up!
  • melissaprestwoodmelissaprestwood Posts: 136
    I am so sorry Juliet. I don't know what else to say. I'm glad you have support. Definitely enjoy those trips, Maui sounds like a great place to clear your head and heart and spend a great relaxing birthday.

    Keep your chin up.
  • KrisAzKrisAz Posts: 10
    Well I have certainly not put anything on hold.. I have been TTC for two years, still no live birth so I am not going to just retire dating all together, I'm just not putting motherhood on hold anymore. If I meet someone I like, I'll go out with him but unless he knocks my socks off and I think we have a future together, I am not going to say anything unless I really feel we can be something. I made the mistake of putting motherhood on hold and I wont do it any longer. Good luck!
  • SampsonSampson Posts: 67
    I am a single mother to 2 little girls. The father of my oldest decided he did not want any other children and was snipped... Knowing I wanted more he refused to reverse it and I knew I wanted a sibling for my daughter. I could have waited for Mr Right but who knows if that was ever going to happen so I decided I was going to use a donor. I tried 4 IUI's and nothing worked and did a round of IVF and it worked.... my daughter is now 9 months old and my girls are just the cutest little girls together!
  • jaimecjaimec Posts: 329
    Oh Juliet I am so sorry!!!
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