Support or lack there of

ChristianneChristianne Posts: 3
in Single Mothers by Choice
I'm about to start my first IUI with injectibles next week (whenever my cycle comes). I have been talking with my family about either adoption or donor insemination for a couple months. I knew generally that my Dad/step-Mother and brother/SIL were not crazy about the idea. I specifically asked if I could count on their support whether or not they agree with my decision. All said yes. I'm 40 yrs old and have never been married.

Over the last few weeks, I've learned I can get more support from a complete stranger. My father told me "Nothing good came out me having children." When I pushed back and gave him the opportunity to change his statement, he reiterated very seriously his position. I'm still struggling with the hurt I feel from that statement.

A few weeks later, my brother/SIL called to give me "advice". Most of it was telling me what I had to do and how to do it but never listening to my perspective or even asking me questions. I then had a very heated argument with my father afterwards. I realized that I had been ganged up on, so to speak, to try to talk me out of my decision. I have yet to understand their reasoning. My brother/SIL who went through 5 IUIs and 5 IVFs for their 2/TWO children 3 yrs apart told me there was nothing enjoyable about having children. Anyway, it would take too long to explain everything said. I'm extremely hurt by their words and actions. I'm a very responsible person and have thought long and hard about this decision. I don't expect it to be easy, but I want to try. I don't want to be on my deathbed and regret not having tried because it might be difficult. I have a good, fairly safe job and am going through tons of information to try to prepare myself.

My Mom has been very supportive but has not always been there for me in my life. Has anyone been through this type of resistance from family? I know the issue is not about donor insemination or my path being non-traditional. My father fought for and received full custody of my brother and I in 1972 - unheard of in those days, among other things. I haven't spoken to my family since this past Monday and I have no idea how to handle the situation. I'm still too angry and hurt to talk to them but I need and want to address them eventually. Advice?

Comments

  • KarenRKarenR Posts: 105
    I am so sorry to hear this. I am lucky to have lots of support, and this post broke my heart. I strongly recommend that you find a support network, such as your local Single Moms By Choice. This process is very overwhelming and emotional and you will definitely need people to lean on.

    That being said, I am sure when your baby is here, everyone will love it.

    Have you considered therapy to deal with these family issues? They are pretty awful!

    Best of luck to you.
  • mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
    I am so sorry your going through this with your family. I know that's what we all want is to be supported. I mean this decision is hard enough without feeling the pressures of family. I to am going through a similar situation with mine. Although my mother and sister both want me to have a baby since my sister has four kids, her youngest will turn 2 at the end of this month. Now that she can't have anymore,they are hoping I will get married first then have a child. My dad said he would support me in any decision I made. My brother on the other hand does not agree with any of this. He's all about two people should be together and married a while before having children. Although I don't care what his beliefs are it does scare me to think about what could happen down the road when I do have a baby, what his reaction would be. The other parts of my family, aunts, uncles ect. are against this. But I came right out and told them if they want to be in my life they have to keep their opinions to themselves and not try to tell me whats right. I don't want to look back and regret not having kids because I was trying to make everyone else happy. In the long run I have to do what I believe is the right thing for me. As we all do. Sorry I know this was long.
  • eeh876eeh876 Posts: 168
    First of all, I am so sorry. This process is hard enough without all of the family drama.

    I have been pretty lucky family-wise, but it is a little tricky with my mom. She has issues religiously with my choice and doesn't want to be part of the planning process, but will be there for me when I get pregnant. I'm not good at going through stressful stuff on my own, so I enlisted the help of a strong core of friends (as well as my bro and dad) to help with these early stages, and my Mom can join in when she is ready.

    So I agree with KarenR. It is important to have someone in your corner. If you don't have supportive friends, go join a group of like minded people. Even one person can make a big difference. I find that writing things down also helps.

    It all sucks now, but it will be worth it when you have your own little one in your arms. You obviously want this, and I bet you'll make an excellent mom!

    Sending good luck, baby dust, and all of that fun stuff to you!
  • Mary40Mary40 Posts: 1
    Hi Christianne,

    Thank you for writing about your experience with this journey so far. It’s tough for people to understand how hard (maybe even brave?) it is to decide to try to have a baby on your own unless they have gone through what we are going through right now. We are going into this knowing that we will be the sole caregivers and breadwinners. And for me it has been tough to deal with the uncertainty of whether I will even be able to get pregnant and the potential cost of going to IVF. (I’m 41 now and have done 4 IUIs with no results so far.)

    In my case, it is my only sister who has stopped speaking to me over my decision to try. She originally said that she would support my decision wholeheartedly. But then her husband decided he was against it. I would ask why they think my decision is any of his business, but like I said she has stopped speaking to me. I honestly think that he is immature and selfish enough to hate the idea of a child taking attention away from him. And she is resentful that my decision is causing unexpected friction in her fairly new marriage.

    I wonder if disapproving relatives are really just trying to influence our decision while there is still a decision to influence? Will their attitudes change once we get pregnant? I predict that my sister will be supportive once a baby is on the way. On the other hand, I am assuming that my brother-in-law will always look for ways to prove he was right all along. In other words, my sister will return to being rational, and her husband will remain self-serving and small.

    Maybe it is just hard for other people – especially people who have kids (even our own parents) -- to understand why we would want to try on our own. They just seem predisposed to suggesting that we should take the easy way out and not even try. I really sympathized when you said that you don’t want to be on your deathbed regretting that you didn’t try. I’ve said the same thing to my mom, and while she has been very supportive, she just can’t understand why I’m concerned now about regrets I may have decades from now.

    Do you think that there is any chance that your dad is just scared and concerned for you going through this process alone? Has he generally been supportive and loving in your life? If so, I bet he will come around if you go ahead with your decision. Same with your brother. But like my mom says, you can’t live your life for other people. You are the only person who can decide if having a baby is the right choice for you.

    It seems like you have thought this all through and are going in with eyes open. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted here!
  • ChristianneChristianne Posts: 3
    Thank all for your kind words. Sadly, relations with my family have gotten worse - to the point where I was told I was no longer welcome for the Thanksgiving holidays. I see my Dad once a year, usually at Thanksgiving because I live in Texas and they live in North GA - no close airport (but we talked regularly). I got a call from my step-mother telling me it was best for me not to come and we could start fresh in the new year. That was it - no explanation. I'm not sure what they expect to gain from this except to alienate me in some effort to punish me. Timing was pretty bad (not that they knew in fairness). I got the call 48 hours after my first IUI. After a weekend bawling my eyes out, I'm trying to figure out how to move on from here. I don't have much hope at this point that this IUI took - too upset. I have no idea whether I try again in November or wait until I work out my differences with my parents. On the one hand, it seems clear that the only way to work out my differences with them is to apologize profusely for wanting to do this, give up my hopes and beg forgiveness for going against their wishes. I'm not particularly sorry. In fact, I'm proud that I told my father that his words hurt me. I know if I give up that I will resent them for this. So I lean towards going on with trying and reaching out if/when I am pregnant and ready to tell the rest of the world. My body still physically hurts from the pain and hurt though. Any advice?
  • Ms M404Ms M404 Posts: 111
    Christianne,
    I am so sorry to hear your family is causing you such stress. Maybe you should find a better support system, because your emotional state is not good for conception.

    I know how important it is to have someone in your corner, I am very fortunate that my family loves and completely supports my decision. One thing to keep in mind. This baby you are trying to have is your family that you are building and responsible for. Try and focus on what kind of family you wish to build with your child, dont let anyone keep you from that.

    And know we are all here to support you. Just reach out, we are here!! Baby dust

    M
  • mom2B203mom2B203 Posts: 1
    Christianne,

    Thank you for sharing your struggles with the board. I agree with Ms M404- that it may help to focus on the fact that you are creating a new family- your very own- and while a support network is very important- it does not have to be your immediate family. I know it is not that simple, and do not want to demean your struggle in any way....I just want to remind you that you made the decision to do this because it was right for you- and only you know what is right for you- and what you are willing to live with....

    Your strength throughout all of this is just a testament to your desire and ability to be a mother- your biological imperative to do so...and while people may think they have a right to judge-the truth of the matter is that they don't have a right to ask you to sacrifice that which they would not, and have not, sacrificed themselves.

    You are brave, you are strong, and the greatest day of thanks-giving you will ever experience is the first time they put your bundle of joy in your arms.....

    Keep the faith!

    D
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