Maybe Strange Question

IndependentMommy2012IndependentMommy2012 Posts: 8
in Selecting a Sperm Donor
I made an intro post in the Single ladies board but I have a question and would like some input. I always imagined my children with long term boyfriend, and always thought they would be perfect (he is biracial his mother has blonde hair and blue eyes as do I, not to mention he's gorgeous). I never really imagined the idea of "choosing" the genetics of your child. Part of me thinks, well my whole family has blue eyes and fair skin, but I'd love to have a mixed race child. Do you think that without a father to help the child identify with his or her culture would be a set back or that with education and willingness on my part the child can be just as happy as a child of only Caucasian race.

I guess what I am trying to say is, as a single parent, should you choose a child that is most like yourself, or is it "okay" to try for the baby you've dreamed about (even if the child may not look like yourself).

I hope I don't sound insane, or worse, intolerant, I am just so new to the idea of IUI and sperm donation, not to mention single parenthood by choice.

Comments

  • Ang3210Ang3210 Posts: 21
    HI,
    I had the same concern when I started this process. I am hispanic and didn't want to have a child who looks nothing like me. I didnd't want to look like I was the babysitter but I also didn't want to have a full latino child because I don't see myself ending up with a latino partner. Its a tough decision to make but only you know the right answer for your particular situation. I chose to go with a caucasian donor with darker features, I want my child to resemble me the most that way we can have that in common. I want my child to be able to identify himself/herself with me instead of recognizing the stronger feautures as coming from a father he/she doesn't know. I feel that it would be a smoother situation if the child can see himself/herself in me, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger.
    Best of luck!
  • IndependentMommy2012IndependentMommy2012 Posts: 8
    Yes I think that that may be the most conscious choice, I do not know if a child by sperm donation is more likely to have identity issues, and I"d like to think "no, never" and "women raise biracial children without the father and NOT by choice" but I think I will choose a donor who most resembles myself genetically in order to create a situation of the most comfort in this new experience.

    Thank you for your input!
  • rileyriley Posts: 44
    Not strange. I was in the same boat. I am white and in my 20's I dated/lived with an Asian guy for 7 years (I broke up with him against his wishes, and then he wouldn't take me back when I had a change of heart. Sigh - the mistakes we make in life).

    I always imagined my kids as half Asian. Now as someone pursuing single motherhood (I'm in my 2ww right now), I had considered an Asian donor, but didn't. First, it seemed way too stalkerish of my past - like I couldn't let go. Second, I figured the presumption would be that my child was adopted. "Not that there's anything wrong with that" but if my child wasn't adopted, I don't need that to be the default assumption. Thirdly, unlike an overseas Asian adoption where you can sort of introduce cultural elements to the child, it seems way random to introduce (for example) Vietnamese culture to a donor-conceived child whose donor was a 3rd generation Asian-American grad student. But if you didn't, then I'd feel that maybe the kid would have a larger identity crisis at already not knowing his bio father.

    So ... I ended up choosing a great donor who looks a lot like my family feature-wise, except with slightly darker coloring (we're all really fair - my donor is Caucasion, but medium complexioned. That wasn't a plus or minus really.)

    Anyway, so as someone who strongly considered going biracial - yes, I came to the conclusion not to do it.
  • IndependentMommy2012IndependentMommy2012 Posts: 8
    Thank you so much! I think I've decided that I will look for a donor with the blonde hair and blue eyes my family is known for. I still have about six months until I decide on a donor so I'm not picking out donor numbers (I am purchasing 10 vials during my first purchase and hopefully I will get 2-3 babies from it over 10 years and don't want to get my heart set on a donor to find they have 7 vials left in 6 months) but I'm getting an idea of what is important to me. I think having a child that resembles me is kind of important to me which I never even cared about before, but if I'm paying thousand of dollars it's time to learn what I care about. I am also a little confused as to how I feel about what I should be looking for, I have a few favorite donor profiles and I rated them with this system:

    Blue/Green eyes - 1 star
    Blonde/Red Hair - 1 star
    Blue/Green Eyes+Blonde/Red Hair: 1 additional star
    Education Beyond Bachelor: 1 star
    Height Above 6' - 1 star

    I am 5' 10" and with that AWESOME height predictor posted by someone here I found that even with a donor that is 5' 10" a boy would still be near six feet (Woo for my height creating a curve!).

    Now I just feel, I don't know, picky? With the whole "look like me" thing coming into play I think of my height, my families height, and our looks. We are all tall as heck with blue eyes and either blonde or red hair. Is this a normal way to look at donors? I am so new to this I feel so flustered I am so glad I decided to research early and found this great site and great company.


    One more question, teeth. Can we find out about donor's teeth? I am blessed with straight, strong teeth and would like to know if a donor has had orthodontic surgeries or procedures and what the teeth look like before or without. Are dental records considered with the medical records?


    Ahh! Congrats on beginning your journey! I am going to be on this board a LOT maybe forever lol so I can't wait to hear your news! Fingers crossed and sprinkling baby dust!

    A darker complexion is an invisible plus for me because of my awfully light and easily burned skin, but considering I can't technically search based on complexion I've been looking at education and eye color as a base search and my other pluses come in after I add to favorites. :)

    I'm soooooo rambley!
  • rileyriley Posts: 44
    I think those are all perfectly fine things to rank and ways to approach selection.

    I didn't use any kind of star system. There really aren't THAT many donors, and if you get the unlimited access, you can look at all the ones that are a basic match. It seems like blue/green eyes is really important to you, so even if you just limited it to that, you could look at each profile.

    I bought full access, and the first thing I looked at for donors was the baby picture. I imagined that my baby might look like my donor and some baby pictures I saw and felt "That's not my baby".

    Like you, I am 5'10, but that's why I was looking for a not-so-tall donor! I would have given a star to UNDER 6 feet. My donor is 5'10 and that's perfect for me, although he has some super tall male relatives (dad, brothers) so for all I know, he still provided lots of giant genes.

    As to education, I wouldn't value that as highly as you are. My donor has a PHD, but that meant little to me and I cared far more about his SATs and his GPA in high school and college. Some brilliant guy could do an undergraduate degree at Stanford or Harvard and then be an amazing engineer at Google or successful author. I was less focused on whether the donor happened to choose a career requiring a graduate degree than I was on how much "raw intelligence" I thought the donor had. (they don't tell you what university, so I was just using that as an example).

    If you want to chat a lot on the boards, you should consider joining www.singlemothersbychoice.com. It's got an active forum for thinkers, tryers, and moms. You could ramble all you wanted and there's a lot more traffic than over here, which is largely focused on sperm only, naturally.
  • Ang3210Ang3210 Posts: 21
    If you are interested in the donor’s teeth, you can find that information on the facial features report which you can buy singly or gain access through the level III package.
    When I first embarked in picking a donor, I was overwhelmed by the options. I narrowed down my choices by only searching though donors who had baby pictures, then further narrowed down my choices by eliminating them based on items on their profiles that didn’t fit well with my life or preferences. When I finally narrowed it down to about 10, I created a spreadsheet with the important factors listed and added comments of my own to each one. That way I was able to compare by looking at the whole picture and the general impression that each donor gave me. That spreadsheet was the only thing that help me to feel comfortable with the choice I made, which ended up narrowing down to two major players, with a third alternative in case I needed it.
    That’s just my 2 cents on how I chose to tackle the task of choosing a donor.
  • kaylababykaylababy Posts: 71
    I don't think there is anything wrong with looking for a donor that could possibly help you get a child that looks like you. That's my plan. I feel like I'm being picky too but in the grand scheme of things, shouldn't this be something you are picky about? I too go right for the baby pictures and try to imagine him as being my baby. It's even better when the donor has pictures of himself as an older child. You can get a better grasp of what they'll look like.

    Good luck in your search. It is such a frustrating process. I fell in love with the donor for my 1st 3 IUIs. He never had a reported pregnancy so I've become a little disenchanted with him and felt like I should switch. Like maybe he was the cause of the failed IUIs. But now he has a pregnancy reported so I don't know what to do. Stick with him or switch it up.

    I feel like I"m rambling too.
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