Emotional Rollercoaster

LydiaLydia Posts: 29
in Share Your Experience
Warning: This will be an extremely honest post.
If, in all my experiances with this, I would have to say that the hardest part of all isn't the 'negative' on the pregnancy test.

It's the emotional rollorcoaster.

I can save up for any number of tests, I can keep going for as long as I have periods. But I will tell you the truth, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.

And I am honest here:
I find myself becoming bitter and occasionally angry. And periodically depressed.

I'll admit, I get jealous. I am jealous of the teenager in my work (I work at the supermarket) who was pregnant, and recently had a baby. Sometimes, I have to avoid her or I might hate her. I can't stand seeing all of the pregnant customers. I can't stand hearing people brag about their children.

But I can't help it, because I'm human.

A lot of times I can't find anyone to talk to, because in this, they couldn't understand. They don't know what it's like to see other people be pregnant and feel sad, or worry about that biological clock that keeps ticking away.
Most of them have had children when they were in their early 20s, and not trying to use a sperm donor.

And just as bad, is the fear that I am not doing enough/too much/the wrong thing when I'm TTC. Am I doing too much exercise, drinking too much coffee or not getting enough of a vitamin? If I knew, I would correct it. But the worst is the not knowing, and the fear of accidently causing a possible zygote to not implant, or for conditions for fertilization to not be right.

I hope this isn't too long a post, but I just wanted to get this stuff out. :)

Comments

  • teachertracysteachertracys Posts: 43
    hi lydia-
    i appreciate your honesty. i was on the boards for awhile when i was trying and have been off for a month or so now. i ran out of money and stopped. i have done 3 IUIs- all negative. it is so disappointing. i get it- as do many of the others. but to be honest too- as everyone has had their experiences- those that are pregnant will never know what it feels like if this doesn't work and do not become a mother b.c they are now. my younger sister is pregnant with her second and growing up she never even wanted kids! this time i have been off has been even more upsetting if you can believe that. disappointment, sadness, regret,... you question everything. lydia, i get it! if you want to talk, we can. you can email me and i can give you my # if you want if that would be easier. i thought about going to single mother meetings but would be heartbroken if there are too many that are single moms already. it would be like a kick in the face and at this point i am not ready for it. hang in there.

    hi ladies- i'm back. still don't have the money (that's what credit cards are for i guess)i was reading posts while away and congrats to those that are now mommies since i was last on. to the rest of us, lots of baby dust!
    tracy :)
  • binaclaytorbinaclaytor Posts: 13
    Lydia-You put into words exactly what so many of us feel. Yet I still feel extremely optimistic with each try. Good luck to all of us mommies-to-be.
  • JenR312JenR312 Posts: 26
    Hi Lydia,
    You sound like you're putting a tremendous amount of pressure and stress on yourself. First, you need to know that your feelings of envy are normal and you don't need to feel guilty on top of that. Myself and everyone on these boards has had at least some of those feelings. I'm on my fourth try and it's tough. I feel like there are pregnant people everywhere lol. What i try to remind myself is that it's not their fault that I'm not pregnant yet, or that I have to use a donor. For me, that helps lift the envy and allows me to be happy for them while I'm chasing the same dream. It's better for the soul. As far as you fearing you're doing too much/not enough of something during your 2ww, all I can say is I get it. I drove myself and my wife crazy the first three tries. Always worrying about some little thing. This time I'm resolved to stay calm and accept whatever happens. Worrying isn't going to get any of us pregnant any faster. It might actually hinder the process. If it's gonna take, it's gonna take. And if it's not, it's not. And it's not your fault if it doesn't. Try to remain positive and know that you're not alone in any of this. Please keep us posted. I'm sure we'd all like to hear how you're doing :) Good luck to all of us and Tracy, may you win the lottery so you can keep trying! And then share the $$ so we can all keep trying lol
  • ssjp01ssjp01 Posts: 60
    I couldn't agree with your post more. I love the honesty, thank you. So many of us feel the same way. I am currently in my 2WW for my 4th IUI, day 14 is Friday. I tested this morning (day 12) and it was negative. We get our hopes up so much and then the major let down. Then back on fertility meds and feeling weird all over again. I'm not giving up hope this cycle, as hard as it is, but I totally feel your pain.

    I actually have to go to a baby shower on Sunday, I'm dreading it.... I know that's horrible but why can't it just be me!!! When I started posting on here a year ago, I made a comment that I wish I could take back. I said that my wife and I are going to the fertility Dr. because that is the only way we can get pregnant, not because I am having troubles trying to get pregnant. I was so sure that it was going to take the first time, oh how wrong I was.

    Since then I have had surgery to remove my endo for the 2nd time, had a cyst removed from my fallopian tube and a cyst drained that was inside my left ovary. Maybe I AM going to this Dr. because I am having troubles TTC. I'm not getting any younger, I'm 33 and all I have ever wanted is my own children. My wife has been the most amazing support for me, I just have to keep reminding myself that we will get our little bundle of joy when the time is right.

    Hang in there and if you ever want to talk and vent email me, sschmidtlein@hotmail.com. I wish you the best of luck and I know it's hard, trust I'm struggling too, but just remember it WILL happen. BABY DUST to all....
  • KadesKades Posts: 3
    I totally agree! This is my 5th IUI and I am ready to just give up! There are 4 pregnant ladies at work and I get so frustrated that none of them were even trying! We will have to stop if I don't become pregnant as it is just too expensive. I have my fingers crossed for all of you!
  • teachertracysteachertracys Posts: 43
    JenR312-
    i SO would give people money to do this process. i never thought of that but it is a great idea. i don't want alot- or even need alot- all i need is enough to finance this process. i would create my own sperm "bank" and definitely "donate" LOL!
    i will try to stay positive- in all regards!
  • JenR312JenR312 Posts: 26
    Tracy,
    Ha! I love the whole sperm "bank" idea LOL! Wouldn't it be great to not have to worry about the $ part at all...I bet we'd all be pregnant by now from the stress relief!
    ssjp,
    hang in there, I'm 33 also. And boy was I shocked when I didn't get a positive the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time. I too, really thought it would happen right away. Reality check! Now I'm on my 4th try, with meds and still have a week to go before I find out. Im anticipating an extra hard time recovering if it's neg again just bc of all my body went through with the meds this cycle. But trying to stay positive.
    It's good to know we're not alone, no matter what we're feeling.
    Good luck to all who are waiting and positive energy to those who aren't.
    Jen
  • ssjp01ssjp01 Posts: 60
    Thanks Jen, I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. Tomorrow is my test day, some things have happened in the past couple of days that has kept my hope alive. I will keep you posted, good luck to you as well and let me know how it turns out! I know how you feel about recovery time if it's neg, I thought this time would be easier since I have been thru it 3 other times, but I don't think it ever gets any easier.

    I hope to hear good news from you, and hopefully I can tell you good news as well!!!! It's nice to know also that I'm not the only 33 year old out there trying!

    Sarah
  • JenR312JenR312 Posts: 26
    Hey Sarah,
    Hopefully you ended up with a bfp! But if not, have faith it will happen. I was so close to buying a hpt last night but stopped myself. I'm only on day 11 and I just know that if I get a neg at this point I'll still have hope. I might test tomorrow on day 12...we'll see. The suspense kills me! This was my first month on meds and I wound up with 5 mature follicles, which they said is really good. So all I keep thinking is, how could it not take?? But it could so easily have not taken. It amazes me how anyone gets pregnant by accident lol.

    I just wanted to check in with you, hope you're doing ok. Keep me posted and I'll do the same!
    Good luck!
    Jen
  • ssjp01ssjp01 Posts: 60
    Hey Jen....

    I got a BFN.... Ugh, so frustrated. It has really hit my hard this time. We have decided to sit out the Holiday's and then start trying again at the first of the year. Also for insurance purposes, they will cover another 3 try's, the bills are starting to pile up for the times insuarnace didn't cover. We are also switching Dr's, the one we have been going to doesn't really monitor at all, it's pretty much here are some fertility meds, take them come in and get inseminated and then call in 14 days. For how much we are spending, I want to be monitored a little closer and actually figure out why it hasn't worked in 4 try's and try and make it work.

    I'm so frustrated and heart broke. My wife has been a huge inspiration to me but it is still very hard. I thought this was the time! If I would have gotten my BFP we would have been due on my Mom's birthday. Well I'm going to stay positive and take this time off to just feel normal again and get back to it. I hope you get your BFP, please let me know! BABY DUST!
  • JenR312JenR312 Posts: 26
    Hi Sarah,

    I'm so, so sorry to hear this time wasn't it for you. Have faith that it will work, it's all a matter of timing and luck.

    I actually tested positive on a hpt and went in for the blood test this morning. I should get the official results any min now. But I took like 5 hpt's because I just couldn't believe it!

    After reading your complaints about your Dr., let me tell how I was monitored becuase I really think it helped. I did 3 unmedicated IUI's in 3 months and all were negative. I only checked for ovulation using the predictor kit and then called when I got the smiley face. IUI was 24 hrs later. I always felt the timing was off a bit with those attempts but they don't monitor you as much when you're not on meds. But even after the IUI's were done, I went in for at least 2 blood tests to check progesterone levels. If levels were off I was put on progesterone pills to compensate. After the 3rd failed attempt, my Dr. recommended fertility shots. I was aprehensive but agreed bc we'll run out of $$ soon and I wanted to up my odds. I went in for a baseline ultra sound and blood work on cycle day 4. They called with instructions and I started the shots that night. I went in for an ultra sound and blood work every 3rd day until they felt the folicles were mature enough and then I took the trigger shot. IUI was exactly 36 hrs later. I've had 2 blood tests to check hormone levels and today was the pregnancy test.

    I can't stress how important it is to be monitored closely. It's the best way to really nail the timing. Definitely find an RE that will monitor you. There's always a matter of just sheer luck but when you get the timing of the ovulation down to within an hour I think you have a much better shot.

    I'm glad your wife is so supportive. Stay positive, enjoy the holidays and have a few drinks!
    I do hope you keep in touch :)
    Jen
  • mlatimermlatimer Posts: 14
    I know exactly how you ladies are feeling...I had my first IUI (medicated) on August 29, 2010. We tested with a HPT 7 days after IUI and 12 days post IUI. I was feeling funny, but thought it was just from the meds. To my and my husbands surprise, I tested positive on HPT September 15, 2010. We were so happy that it worked the first time out. Then the big let-down...after 3-4 ultrasounds, the baby had no heartbeat. It died at 6 weeks gestation. I miscarried at 2:20 a.m. on November 6, 2010. I had a D&C November 9, 2010. I am totally heartbroken and let-down, but as soon as my body is healed, on to the next IUI. I am confident that it will work again because I got pregnant the first try. Now, time to pick up the pieces and move on. I feel the same frustrations as you, and I know how devestating this process can be. I know what being pregnant feels like, and I know I will go on to carry a healthy baby to term eventually. Don't lose hope because even after the hell I have been through, I still have not lost hope. So yeah...I get this emotional rollercoaster thing.
  • ssjp01ssjp01 Posts: 60
    JEN!!!! Congratulations!!!!! I'm so happy for you! You have given me that little ray of hope. We scheduled an appointment for Dec 6th with the new Dr to go in for our consultation and see where we are going to go from there. Thank you so much for telling me about your process, it just felt like to me that I wasn't being monitored correctly. I hear ya on the timing part, my timing has never felt right. I mean it was always on the 12th or 13th day when I would go in but it just always felt too early. Hopefully this new Dr will put me on injectables and #5 will work! Keep me posted and let me know how it goes! Email me if you'd like, I don't always check this site, sschmidtlein@hotmail.com.

    Mlatimer - I am so so sorry you miscarried. That has to be so hard. Please hang in there and remember it happened for a reason, keep your head up and you are exactly correct, you got pregnant once so I'm sure it will happen again!!!! Keep us posted and let your body heal. Keeping all of you in my thoughts, and BABY DUST!!!
  • JenR312JenR312 Posts: 26
    Hi Mlatimer,
    I am so sorry to hear about the loss you have experienced. Your story just breaks my heart but also gives me so much hope too. Your positive attitude, already looking forward to the next try, it's just amazing. You are so strong and I know you and your husband will get your dream. Continue to be strong! For me, I will continue to worry until I hear that heartbeat. I'm only going on 5 weeks and I'm so aware of all that can go wrong. It's hard to really breathe and just be happy but we're trying, cautiously...

    Sarah, I'll shoot you an email...hope you're doing ok :)
  • mlatimermlatimer Posts: 14
    Jen,
    Thank you for your supportive words. We really have tried to be strong and the only thing that keeps me going is that 1) I can get pregnant, and 2)the hope of trying again. Hope is what gets me up in the morning and helps me to face the day. After my D&C last week, I am finally able to accept what happened and move towards trying again. I will never forget my little angel nor can I replace my lost baby, but I can fill that void and move towards conceiving again. The innocence of pregnancy for me is now lost because of what I have gone through and I know I will not relax until I see the little heartbeat next time.

    Anyway...not to scare you but that is exactly what happened with me. No detectable fetal pulse on the ultrasound. I kept on thinking that maybe it was too early. At this point between weeks 5-7 you should see a fetal pulse on the ultrasound. By week 12-14 you should hear the heartbeat. But please do not lose hope. Just know the possible outcomes and be strong for your baby. You will worry and stress until you see that heartbeat, but try to remain calm and strong because your baby needs you. I know its hard to breath and be happy until you know for sure, so my best advice is to be cautiously optimistic.

    I kept on going until I actually experienced the miscarriage because I still had that ounce of hope and could not bring myself to do anything that would hurt the baby...you know, just in case. You choose what is best for you. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, carrying my non-viable baby until nature took its course, but looking back I would not have had it any other way because the what if's would have killed me. I hope my story did not scare you because the intention is to encourage you not to lose hope even when things seem dark. I wish you the best and I really hope you see that little heart beating on the next ultrasound. Be proactive and DEMAND the best care for you and your baby. Good luck :)
  • LydiaLydia Posts: 29
    I tried to post earlier, but my post got eaten by the evil Internet.

    Anyway, thank you to all who have posted before, and to those who gave their support and mentioned their email adresses for venting purposes, I thank you. :)

    But maybe if I can vent my feelings online, others might be able to benefit perhaps, if not greatly, then at least they know they aren't alone in feeling that way.

    Yesterday, I had been sitting in the employees' lounge, sitting a while as I had just ended my shift.
    There were several women there also, they were talking about this and that, when the subject of children came up. The biggest part of this was people mentioning when they had their first child.

    I mentioned amid all the joking and laughter, that I never had any children, and I was age thirty. I said that I wanted some.

    The three women I was sitting with told me I was lucky, (maybe meant in a joking way) but I tried to explain to them that I wanted a family, and that I was lonely.
    They said, "Why don't you stay with your brothers and sisters?"
    I'm thinking, are they serious?!? Here I am sad over not having any children, and they are laughing and joking, and saying they had no choice in their child-bearing. And they were oblivious to what I was trying to tell them.

    I wonder if anyone else has been told they are 'lucky' they don't have any children? I felt mad and insulted (though they didn't actively insult me, they did 'suggest' staying with a brother or sister, as if that was 'better.')
    One thing I notice, is that those with children (often those who concieved them easy) don't understand what it's like to desire a child, and either body or circumstances conspire together to not have it happen sooner.

    There was a part of me that wishes that I said, "Well, if you didn't 'want' them, why didn't you give them up for adoption or have an abortion? Clearly you did, and quit telling me I'm 'lucky,' because I'm not. You don't understand at all, and saying I'm 'lucky' just feels like a slap."
  • JjaiJjai Posts: 8
    I am really new here and reading your post let me know that I was not alone in feeling uneasy around people who were pregnant. I have a friend who invited me to her baby shower and I just couldn't go. I explained how I was feeling....sad, jealous although not in a bad way.. but she understood. I guess since we had been friends for 16 years it was easy for her to understand. She knows about my fibroids and all. She is the one that suggested sperm donation to me. I hope that you find strength in knowing that you aren't alone in your feelings and also that letting those words come out here has also helped us. You gave voice to what I feel. I helps me too. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope that you will have your bundle of joy soon. Take care and have a safe New Year...hopefully a new year of promise for us all.
  • LydiaLydia Posts: 29
    Ugh. Third try with IUI ended with AF. This never gets any easier...
  • ssjp01ssjp01 Posts: 60
    I don't think it will ever be easy. After switching Dr's and going thru all of their test they said that I have a low ovarian reserve. She pretty much explained it as a car that has over 100,000 miles and starts making noises. Man, that made me feel real old and I'm only 33!

    Well, after the consultation in Dec '10 they put me on birth control for the month of January. We had our appointment on January 24th for the US and low and behold I had cysts on both ovaries AGAIN!!! She explained that she sees these all the time and that one more month of birth control should shrink them.....

    So.... After another month of birth control we go in on Feb 16th for another US to make sure the cysts are gone. If so we will start in on injectables and Clomid. They have all the hope in the world that this will work so I'm trying to keep my fingers crossed. This will be our 5th attempt with lots of waiting out because of cysts and endometriosis.

    I wish you all the best of luck, keep your heads up and I will keep all of you in my prayers. If anyone knows what we are going thru it's all of us, we all want one thing.... To be pregnant. Don't give up hope and hang in there. So, no, it gets no easier but we will all hang in there together. -Sarah-
  • Sunshyne2010Sunshyne2010 Posts: 91
    Lydia,
    I feel your pain.....Most people don't understand that desire to have a child and the hurt when you see someone else pregnant or with children of their own. I'm the same way when I see someone pregnant especially when they don;t even want to be, it's actually disturbing to me. We will all get there one day, each of us at our time, when He is ready.
    I start my IVF process next week and I'm keeping an open mind and heart. Try to stay relaxed and stress free.

    Sarah,
    Good luck on the 16th you will be in my prayers. :)
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