How to answer the Questions?

mommy87mommy87 Posts: 103
in Single Mothers by Choice
Hi ladies. I have two very important questions that has been bugging me. I wrote in a different post about my heartache involving my now Ex boyfriend cheating on me and getting the other girl pregnant. That I have decided to give up men (for now) and focus on having my baby that I always dreamed of. My first question is.

1. I see my ex and this girl together all the time. How do I get past feeling like a lost a baby? I mean I know I wasn't pregnant, but I feel the baby she is carrying should have been mine. I know that's very unhealthy for me to think about it like that and I should be happy that some other women is getting her dream of motherhood. bu i can't help but feel so miserable. I feel like I lost a child.

and my second question.

2. I have been reading some single mother books and one of the ladies I work with saw me with it. I know I can't avoid it forever, so how do I go about telling the people I work with that I'm thinking about single motherhood? I don't just want to go into work one day pregnant(because they know I have only been with that one guy recently), but I also don't want any hurtful comments? do you guys think with everything going on. I should just step back and breath a little! I don't want to make a mistake. Please help me if you can.

Comments

  • MissNomesyMissNomesy Posts: 15
    Hey there..

    In regards to your first comment.. ONCE UPON A TIME!! I was engaged to marry my boyfriend of 4 / 5 years.. I have wanted a child since I was very young, and he already had a daughter from a previous (teenage) relationship.

    6 months before we were to marry, he decided he didnt want to go ahead with the marriage, and decided that he at that point didnt want to have anymore children.. he wanted to travel and make music, but still wanted to be in a relationship with me.

    I decided that that just wasnt good enough, so I left him.. although he tried to get back together with me, and loved me so deeply, within 6 months, he had met a girl on the internet, from the other side of Australia, and three days after she moved into his place, she was pregnant.

    Yes, this is very devistating.. it was for him, for me, and for his daughter.. At the time, I felt dead inside.. but I knew.. I would get over it..

    3 years later, I dont blink an eye lid, they got married this year, and had a second child a month ago.

    My advice is, yes, it is painful, it kills inside, but you WILL get over it..

    Everything happens for a reason, my reason, I got to travel to Africa, work in an orphange and experience so much more..

    I have been reading some of your posts, and you are indeed very young, but I know what is feels like to want to have a baby so desperately.

    My only worry now with reading your post is: are you just wanting to go ahead with a donor, because you feel cheated of a child?

    Because yeah, sometimes I feel like a real loser, because my words to my ex when breaking up were: 'I am not going to wait around another 3 years for your to know if you want to have a child with me or not'.. it has now been four years, I still dont have a partner and I am still childless..

    Onto your second question.. I am a little clueless on this one myself.. I really worry what people might say or think, especially my grandparents, but I have my mothers full support and she says "who cares what people think".. ???
  • 2beamom2beamom Posts: 108
    It is not really the business of the people you work with of your plans for motherhood, if you weren't single it wouldn't be, so it's just not their business. I don't see any reason why anyone at your workplace would need to know until you were past your first trimester.I suppose it is sort of unwise to think that way of your ex and his new girl being pregnant, but I think it is totally normal, you will find a way to move on from that when you are ready, and since you are here, looks like you've already taken the first step. I felt that way about a situation that was only kind of similar. Don't be afraid of making "mistakes" they are all apart of the journey to motherhood, and you WILL make mistakes when you finally become a mommy, and that's okay! :)I have found that most people are surprisingly supportive of my decesion to become a smbc, but you will come across those who aren't and yes it hurts, esp cuz you need so much support to be a smbc but just ignore those people who tell you not to follow your dreams, sweetie! P.S. glad you took my advice and got some single mom books :) take care and yes breathe girl!
  • stargazer7stargazer7 Posts: 39
    hey mommy87,

    Although I'm not a single mom, I felt the need to comment.......I totally agree with 2beamom....and I can't help feeling no matter how great this gem of a guy was, if he was cheating on you, chances are he will cheat on her too.....however, I know that doesn't help your feelings.

    One way I have found is to get focused on YOUR journey, all the things that are going good in YOUR life, and getting that positive vibe going in your head for YOU & your sweet BABY. The more you focus on YOU and Your Babe those other people will fade away. (eventually)

    I have made several decisions in my life ( spouse, career, etc) that have been highly criticized by some and applauded by others.....One thing is for sure, you can't control people's opinion of you. As long as you try your best and do the best you can, you kinda have to get a thick skin with some of those people....especially people you work with sometimes.
    Also, I think that this whole experience we are on here is about life, which I think is very great and positive thing to do and we should feel really good about that.....even when we have setbacks we are doing the right thing, moving forward and not giving up
    Hang in there and know that everyone here is cheerleading for you!!! (*.*)
  • MissNomesyMissNomesy Posts: 15
    Could not have said it better myself Stargazer!
  • stargazer7stargazer7 Posts: 39
    thanks MissN....wow, to me working in an orphanage in Africa ranks up there as a once in a lifetime experience...very few people get the chance to do something like that.
    Baby Dust..........
    Star (*.*)
  • Roe7676Roe7676 Posts: 2
    I am a single mother by CHOICE, I was married to my high school sweetheart and got divorsed. I knew I had the rest of my life to find the perfect man for me, but only so many years to have a baby. So how did I tell everyone... I was open and honest. As soon as I started thinking about it, I would casually mention it to people, I would say, things like "If I am not married or in a serious relationship by (I would name a time, age ect) I think I might be a single mom" or "I love children, I am thinking about having one". I would bring this up casually with people I cared about and at work. When I decided to do it I need IVF, because of blocked tubes. I waited until I was 3 months before I officially told everyone. (except my mother and best friend). I went into work spoke to my boss told him and asked him if I could have an hour to go around telling everyone, I figured if there were going to be any rumors, I was going to spread them. Some people just looked at me, some people asked questions, I ansewered what I wanted to, I was very honest about IVF, because I felt I was an expert at it and if anyone was having trouble having a baby I would love to help them out. Some of my answers to this day is "I might not have sex to get pregnant, but it does not mean I did not have it before or after". I made sure everyone knew my daughter was not an accident, she was planned wanted and cost a lot of money. With a little honesty, humor, and NO defenseness it worked out great. Strangers who we meet now (like on vacation) I just tell them I am divorsed, I don't tell them it was 10 years before my daughter was born. Don't worry about other people, worry about that future baby.
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