Feelings from the Father if married

akleinpeterakleinpeter Posts: 2
in Selecting a Sperm Donor
Hello- My husband and I found out this past August he was sterile due to a childhood cancer. This hit him very hard because my heart's desire is to have a child. We've been praying very hard on things whether it be adoption or a sperm donor. My concern is how he would feel if I did get pregnant by using a donor. Can anyone that is pregnant tell me the process of their emotions? I'm really scared.

Comments

  • keylimekeylime Posts: 8
    Hey there- my husband and I are in the same boat. My husband had childhood Leukemia. We tried one IVF cycle using his sperm (had to be surgically removed from his testicles). It took us 18 long months after that failed failed cycle to make the decision to use donor sperm. It was a hard decision, but at the end of the day we want to be parents. My husband realizes this and has embraced the idea of donor sperm. We also went to counseling to help us through this process.
    Wishing you the best in this difficult journey!
  • neaneaccneaneacc Posts: 29
    My husband and I had a difficult time with this decision as well. Unfortunately, my husband is one of several thousand men out there with an undiagnosed low sperm/poor motility issues. After having multiple tests done, and seeing about 5 doctors we were told it was very unlikely we would be able to have our own child naturally. We even went through a cycle of IVF with ICSI, which was heartbreaking because the doctor picks the most healthy looking sperm and forces it into the egg with no luck. We haven't ruled out adoption, but we wanted to experience the whole baby making process at least once. I know that it took a long time for my husband to be open, and honest about his feelings about this topic. After multiple fights about the issue he finally basically admitted that he felt that it was his fault, and that I blamed him for our infertility. This logic surprised me a little, but I suspect it may be very common with male infertility issues. During this time we started with 20 minute uninterrupted talking sessions about this issue, and all the related issues. Like how far are we willing to go, what is important to us, how much is too much for us emotionally, and we tried to define our expectations about this process. Although the time limit seemed silly at first it made us both much more direct with what we said to each other, and offered my husband some overdue relief from my nagging. At the time it seemed that the more he avoided the issue the more baby crazy I was becoming. Using the designated time frame allowed us to have more productive conversations about how we envisioned the creation of our family. We are still working on making a baby with IUI and donor sperm, but I now have a true partner for this difficult journey. I hope that this is helpful advice for you while you experience your own challenges.

    Renee
  • sususalsususal Posts: 20
    My husband had a vasectomy many years ago during his first marriage. When we got together he had it reversed, but no luck......it didn't work. We are now going through IVF treatments. We had to surgically go in and get his sperm "straight from the source". My doctor isn't optimistic about the quality/maturity of his sperm, but we are going to try, with ICSI, to use it. We will be using donor sperm as back up to my husbands.

    Like Renee's husband, my hubby feels that this is all his fault, when in reality, he was just trying to be a responsible husband all those years ago.

    The idea of donor sperm bothers him, but he is willing to have it as a back up because of everything that we are going through to get to the point of egg retrieval/transfer. He was very clear about not wanting to know anything about the donor and not even wanting to know if my doctor ended up using the donor sperm. I can understand why he feels this way, but it has left me with the decision of choosing the donor and I guess also keeping a secret from him if the doc does use donor sperm.

    I am just taking it one day at a time and just pray that I get to that point in the cycle. I have a blood test, sonogram and pre-op tomorrow morning, so wish me luck. I've gotten much further in this cycle than I did in the first one.

    akleinpeter - please keep us posted. =)
  • faith222faith222 Posts: 56
    this is a great conversation. i struggle with the same issue. donor sperm was actually dh's idea and i'm the one having a hard time. we had sperm extracted from dh's testes as well and did one round of ivf that didn't work. we didn't even get to do a transfer. the embryo's didn't develop. we have 2 more frozen vials. dh's also had the idea to try with the 2 vials and use donor as back up. i just can't get over not having a biological child with my dh. i'm having such a hard time and keylime, you did great waiting 18 months to decide. i don't have that time or we will need donor embryo's, egg and sperm. my eggs are just okay. this is such a hard decision. i just hate the wait for adoption and was really wanting to carry my child and breast feed. dh says he just wants to have a child. donor is so much newer than adoption and i'm just worried about explaining this to my child. adoption seems so much easier. i guess either way it's hard for a child. either my parents didnt want me (adoption) or i don't know who my blood dad is (donor). Argh!!!
  • sususalsususal Posts: 20
    Wow Faith.....it's like you are in my head! We were prepping for an IVF cycle, but we didn't even get to the retrieval because only 2 of my follicles developed eggs that were considered large enough. So instead of putting me through the surgery and bing "if-fy" about my husbands sperm, my doctor suggested using the donor sperm and having me do IUI instead. She said that the chances, although slim, were the same percentages for IVF or IUI at this point.

    I spoke to hubby about it and he said to just do it. The doctor told us that if it made us feel better that we could mix one vial of my husbands sperm with the donor vial and that way my husband wouldn't feel inadequate, so that's what we did. I had the IUI done on Sunday and now I have to wait 2 weeks to do the pregnancy test. We just have to pray and keep the faith at this point. My doctor keeps pushing donor eggs, but this coupled with donor sperm.....both my husband and I are having a hard time with it. I mean, we'd like for the child to have some of our genes! At that point, I feel like I'm just the oven baking someone else's recipe. I know it sounds silly, but I don't know how else to express it.

    Best of luck to you all and I'd be really interested to hear how you all fair. :)
  • faith222faith222 Posts: 56
    Susual, wowm we are the same huh? I know you're still in your two week wait and wish you the best. I've been reading tons of books and trying to see if I get comfortable with the idea. My doctor never mentioned mixing the vials. I read about it, but we were a little scared and wanted to just know now instead of something tragic happening to our child, then finding out from not being hubby not being able to donate blood or something then having to grieve all over again if it's not his. I know, we're probaby way out there huh? Too much thinking? So, what's the deal with mixing sperm, cause I'm really curious?
  • sususalsususal Posts: 20
    Faith, I really didn't even think that IUI was an option because of my husbands sperm. We were told right up front that it wouldn't work. When the idea of donor sperm as a back-up was brought up. We were okay with it, but when it came to actually having to use it, my husband didn't want to know.

    When my doctor called and told me that I only had 2 eggs and that they wouldn't do a retrieval, she suggested the IUI using the donor sperm. She asked if we had a problem with that. I told her that I didn't but that my hubby did and I explained why. She said that even though she is all about full disclosure that if we wanted to, we could mix one vial of hubbys sperm with the vial of donor sperm. We thought that would be okay and my hubby could live with that. Unfortunately, his vials really had no healthy sperm, but if it makes him feel better, then why not, right?

    Other than that, I really know nothing about it. I just assume that when they thawed both vials, they transferred one into the other....right? I honestly don't know.

    I still have to wait until Sunday, May 2nd to go get the blood test and I really don't have a feeling if I'm pregnant or not. I am using progesterone in the form of a vaginal insert and some of the side effects are the same PMS symptoms I usually experience when I'm about to get my period....so I really have no idea!

    I really hope to be pregnant. I turned 41 in January and time really is of the essence. My doctor keeps recommending donor eggs. That and donor sperm....I feel like I'm just an oven cooking someone else's meal. I mean....genetically, the baby wouldn't be linked to me or hubby. My doctor is just such a downer and I would love to prove her wrong! I know that isn't what I should be focusing on...and really, that isn't my focus, but it's nice to dream, right!?!

    Best of luck to you faith. Hopefully, I'll be back next week with good news!
  • greenpatchtwogreenpatchtwo Posts: 1
    My husband and I are just starting out; I am feeling better that I am not the only one.. I am going to be 36 in less than 1 month and my husband is sterile due to 3 rounds of Cancer ages 5, 10 & 21yrs old. The last time the doctors advising him he would soon die so the thought of children was not thought of. Children were first talked about 5yrs ago when I came into the picture... to me it does not matter how we have family (donor,adoption..) I just want US to share the crazyness of it all!

    We just went to counseling for the first time and he said a very few things.. the normal guy things. I told him for the first time that now I am afraid what if something happens to our child it will be my fault..downs etc.

    I wish men were more open to talking even if it was between themselves.

    Everyday has been a challange, I want to talk he does not..we did look at donors the other night for a bit.. he wants to be so specific so the baby will look so no one might find out.. we will see.
    good luck to everyone! Stay strong!
  • faith222faith222 Posts: 56
    Greenpatchtwo: i know exactly how you feel. i think i am more like the dh's. i am the one having issues with using donor. i want a donor who looks just like him, but the donors he picks looks nothing like him, it's so funny. then when we finally narrowed it down, i wanted someoen with a darker complexion like dh, but the donor i like is a sickle cell carrier and i don't wnat to pass that on to a child. so there i was with one donor left who is not the same complexion. the might have similiar eyes, eyelashes, and height, but that's about it. good luck!
  • bootigbootig Posts: 20
    I'm 27 and my husband is 24. We found out at the beginning of the year that he has no sperm in his semen (azoospermia). Seems to be genetic, although there have been no known problems with other family members. We don't have enough money to figure out exactly why he has this since our insurance does not cover infertility. Lets just say it was almost 1,000 just to have him see a urologist to make sure he's medically ok.

    Anyway, he immediately took to the idea of donor sperm. He has always wanted babies and has known that I'd like to experience pregnancy at least once.

    I truly think your husband will eventually be in a place where he is excited about the donor process, or adoption, if that's what you two choose. For my husband, it's been healing to take a few months to not talk about babies/pregnancy in a serious manner and grieve the loss of his bio baby. We are planning on starting donor insemination this summer.

    Anyone else on here have husbands/partners with azoospermia?
  • faith222faith222 Posts: 56
    Bootig/; we also have azoospermia and don't know the cause. We did the chromosome test and it was fine. We can't find a history of this from DH's family (most of the men have biological children except his brother who was born with a genetic disorder) so DH wonders if he has something genetic as well. At this point I don't really care why unless they can fix it. Otherwise I'd just prefer they come up with a way for me to get some good sperm. Oh well!
  • vic75vic75 Posts: 52
    My Dh had a vasectomy 13 years ago and the docs said reversal wouldnt work due to the amount of time since vasectomy. We looked into IVF with extraction but WOW it was expensive! So we went the donor route and had our baby girl in Jan. My DH says he wouldnt tradeher for anything in the world. His only concern was that he wouldnt bond with her like his other kids. But not that long agao he told me that bonding was just not an issue and he was worried for no reason at all. He loves her to peices and we dont even really talk about the donor thing anymore. Everybody says she looks just like my husband and his father. Someone even told me the other day "you poor thing that baby doesnt look anything like you she has her daddy written all over her" I just responded yes she is a daddys girl. Hope this helps.
  • klbanderasklbanderas Posts: 1
    Hi Everyone,
    This is so reassuring to know others are in a similar position. Sometimes I feel all alone. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together 15. I am 35 and he 40. We really didn't try to get pregnant in the beginning but didn't do anything to prevent it. I have PCOS, so all along I thought it was all my issue of not ovulating. We began testing in 2007 to discover after a testicular biopsy that my husband had azospermia. We are unsure of the cause except for the possibilty of the fact he had chicken pox at the age of 18. We immediately moved onto IUI with clomid with donor sperm. We had 7 failed cycles. At the end of that, I was emotionally and physically (and financially ) drained. We took some some time off and did a lot of soul searching. We are now in our first IVF cycle. we went to counseling to make sure we were both ok with the idea of donor sperm. This is how we both feel: It takes more then sperm to be a dad. It is the nurturing that makes a happy and healthy baby. We both have half siblings-I have a brother and we share the same mother but different father. I love him and feel just as close to him as my sibling that I genetically share both parents with. It does not matter that we don't share 50% of our genetic makeup. To those above that are struggling with this: Take time to grieve and take time to really talk with your husband. There is a great book called "Bringing Home the Stork". Good luck and I think this journey will make us even more amazing as parents!
  • CSSCSS Posts: 161
    My husband is HIV positive (healthy and undetectable levels for many years) and we use condoms, so we pretty much always planned to use donor sperm. There is a clinic that will wash sperm from HIV positive men for fertility purposes, but it's quite expensive and we opted not to go that route (there a slight risk involved as well).

    Despite his being prepared for this, at times I've noticed my husband getting a little irritable when I try and talk about our donor (when we were picking one) and he really left the decision up to me. I suspect that was because he didn't want to spend too much time thinking about the "other man." I think there's a little bit of male pride that lingers even with the mentally healthiest of men.

    However, both of us feel strongly that it's the actual people who raise the child who have the most impact. For instance, I didn't know my real father until I was in my early 20s and I've come to realize that my stepdad has been 100 times more of a father to me than him.

    --CSS
  • lomalindalomalinda Posts: 3
    Hi everyone, I have found many of the postings here to be helpful. I see that no one has posted to this thread in a while but I hope some may comment on my predicament.

    I met my husband when I was 32. He had 4 children and a vasectomy. I tried to bond with his children but it is just no replacement for my own especially when they have a mother they feel very loyal to that seems to prevent a very close relationship with me.

    I wanted children and we discussed this very early in our dating. He at the time said he was "open to it". I have discussed the issue of children with him many times since then and he remained "open to it" but just wasn't ready yet. I am now 42 and we have been married 4 years next week and have been together a total of 10 years.

    Last year he finally agreed to try to have children with me, that is when I was told my fsh (21.6) was too high and I had less then 1% chance to have my own children And with my husband's vasectomy being 12 years old it was pointless to try a reversal and was turned away from any treatment. It was with some work on my health and spirit that I was able to get my fsh down to 13 and a new doc decided to give IVF a try because I couldn't try on my own with my husband do to his vasectomy. So we tried IVF, unfortunately I did not respond to the meds and produce enough eggs to try a transfer even though they were able to find some usable sperm through an aspiration from my husband.

    Now the docs tell me IVF is no longer an option so I could get a donor sperm, egg or adopt. However, now my husband is no longer "open" to any other option. He doesn't think he could love it if it was not his sperm or my egg. Honestly, I don't think he ever wanted more children to begin with but couldn't tell me.

    Now, I am faced with feelings of betrayal, wasted time, desperation and terrible loss. I have started getting hot flashes and am really worried I cant have my own child. I feel cheated out of what is supposed to be a beautiful experience. But I have decided after much tough that I want my own family and I am going to go against my husband's wishes!!! He didn't take it well at all and we very well may be headed for a divorce. I sincerely hope not because we love each other desperately and neither of us wants to split up. It already breaks my heart that it will not be with his sperm and I have been trying so hard to find a donor that looks like him but the sad truth is that no one does.

    I'm very scared but feel like this is my last chance to have a family of my own before the hot flashes take over. Wish me luck and please send out your prayers and any advice you may have for convincing a husband to want to create life with you.
  • aka_mama1aka_mama1 Posts: 25
    All of these postings make me feel so much more normal, then what I've been feeling! So thank you to everyone. Its like reading my diary. My situation is just like everyone else's. My husband wasn't on board at first, we were going to go to counseling, and now 1 month away from teh first IUI, he is saying things like our baby, when we get pregnant, etc. I picked all the donors that had his physical chararacteristics and then he picked the one he liked out of the 6. Love this group! Thank you thank you everyone!
Sign In or Register to comment.