Struggling with the decision

gingy

My husband are both 37 and we have been TTC for 3 years now. We found out a while back that he has zero sperm count. He's having a hard time acknowledging this. He has a big ego and doesn't want to acknowledge that something is wrong with him. Anyway, we really want a child but we are struggling about the decision to use donor sperm. I keep going back and forth and have been experiencing some anxiety over it. He said he is pretty neutral on the subject and will go with whatever I decide. He wants it to be my decision because he doesn’t want me to resent him later on for not being able to have children. But he feels like we shouldn’t tell anyone. I think that’s the part that bothers me the most- keeping it a secret. I’d feel like I was lying to everyone. But I also feel like if we told people nobody would understand. Our families would flip out. Is anyone else going through a similar situation?

BMACHESKY

Hi Gingy - This is a tough one! We went through the same thing. We have decided to use a donor. My husband felt the same way at first, but now thinks of it as 1/2 would be me. We were willing to adopt and exept a child that had no biological connection, so this way is better. We have decided to not tell anyone, nor do we plan on telling the child. Yes, it is a secret, but it protects my hubbies feelings. I would rather have a secret than not have a baby! I guess that everybody has different views, but this is the only way that it will work for us...

Good Luck!

bellafiorela

Hi Gingy---my husband and I are in the works of IVF right now with donor sperm. We have chosen to not tell anyone, except for my sister and our parents. My husband has three children from a previous marriage, so we thought it would be in the best interest of all to keep it private...not a secret, just private.

I do have this to share with you. Today my husband told me that he knew he would be able to love the child like it was his own biologically, because it would still be a part of me. Made me tear up.

Its a tough decision all around. Good luck with every step.

nella846

I have known that my husband is not able to father children since early on in our relationship. My husband also has a zero sperm count. Before we ever got married we both knew that we wanted children and that we would use a sperm doner. We have told our family and close friends and we do plan to tell our future child/ children. No one that we have told has flipped out!!!! In fact everyone has been very supportive, understanding, and currious about the process.

My husband has never met his biological father. His mother became pregnant with him at 19 and her boyfriend found out she was preganat and skipped town. When my husband was a baby his mother met a wonderful man who adopted my husband and fathered his three sisters. The way we see it is that my husband is also the product of a sperm doner. This is a common experience that he and our child will share. I will have the biological connection with our child, and he will have donor connection, and we will both be parents! It does not take sperm to be a father!

With this being said I respect you and your husbands decision not to tell your family or your child that a doner was used. I don't see this as a harmful lie. Good luck with you decision.

jjr3

We had the same dilemma. I felt strange using a donor and went back and forth for a VERY long time. When it came down to it though, my husband and I wanted another child very badly so we decided to use a donor. We each had a son from a previous marriage so he had a vasectomy early in our marriage. We were not prepared for us changing our minds over a decade later. We have not told anyone either about our choice to use a donor. My husband and I both felt our families are too judgmental and blood is everything to them. We did not want our baby to be treated differently then our sibling's children. It was a hard decision to make but in our circumstance it felt best. We have a gorgeous 7 week old daughter and she looks very much like my husband, everyone says so. He loves her so much he tears up over her daily. He gushes about how beautiful she is and how he could never imagine having any other baby girl biological or not. They are so bonded and now I realize my concerns were silly, she is every bit his daughter. We are planning on having one more donor child within the next 2 years and I no longer feel that awkward contemplation I had before. Using a donor was the best decision we ever made. I promise, once your child is with you all the concerns will wash away. Good luck!

Arkmom

Gingy:

This part of your message sends up a big red flag to me: "He said he is pretty neutral on the subject and will go with whatever I decide. He wants it to be my decision because he doesn’t want me to resent him later on for not being able to have children."

Clearly he is not neutral on the subject because if it has to be your decision to keep you from resenting him, that means his decision (at least as of right now)would be no. Personally, I would be worried that "it has to be your decision" translates into "its going to be YOUR baby" I don't know you or your husband, so if this doesn't sound like it could be an issue with him, feel free to ignore me, but this reminds me of the reaction of my exfiance. Our relationship pretty much ended when he asked me at 2:00 in the morning if there was any way to "opt out" of the statute that says a woman's husband is the legal father of any children she has through donor insemination. To be clear, I'm not in any way suggestin that your husband would take it this far, but the two of you need to be sure before you go forward that you are both prepared to be the parents of this child and to rejoyce in that relationship.

One way to learn more about how you both feel would be to explore what "plan C" would be if you don't choose donor insemination. If the next place both of your minds goes is adoption, I would say that is a good sign. If your husband is willing to raise a child that is not biologically his, then it seems probable that he will warm up to the idea that that relationship can be just as strong or stronger with a child that is biologically a part of you. If you would be willing to raise a child that is not biologically yours, then you know in your heart that you are not asking your husband to do anything you wouldn't do.

If however, one or both of you feels that the next best thing to do is to live without children, then I think you both need to explore what parenting means to you and if donor insemination will really be a choice you can live with as a family in love and joy.