Turning 38 soon...would like a second child, but...

rabrab Posts: 10
in Single Mothers by Choice
Hello Everyone,

I have a beautiful (almost) 3 year old son, who came into my life by total surprise, and the best gift ever given to me.
His father and I were not a good match for one another, so we went our separate ways...including him completely exiting my son's life-by choice.
I had hoped in the course of the last couple of years I'd meet "Mr. Right" for me and my little boy, but it just hasn't happened. Now that my 38th birthday is right around the corner (next month), I am considering the process of UI, but have concerns. Such as, how 'hi-risk' is it to carry a pregnancy at 38, 39? (In general I am healthy, and had a healthy pregnancy with my son at the age of 34/35; carried him to 41 weeks).
Also, I worry how a donor pregnancy would affect my son. How would I explain it to him, especially as he gets older?
I just want to be sure I am absolutely "right" with my decision, either way. I do not want to have any regrets; I want to be confident with my decision.
Any insight is appreciated...thank you.

Comments

  • austingurlaustingurl Posts: 202
    Well, ultimately you need to talk to a dr about the risk to your health, but I have seen women your age and older carry babies full term with no complications. I am 36 and had several complications. None were due to my age really. The short version of my story since you are new. I got pregnant on my 5th IUI and miscarried at 8 weeks. I got pregnant again on my 6th IUI. It was twins. I went into labor at 23 weeks and 6 days and delivered both babies. My son (weighing 1 lb 7oz) only survived 16 hours. My girl (weighing 1 lb 3 oz) has survived over 3 weeks and is about to come off the vent (hopefully) but has a long NICU stay ahead of her. My labor was due to an incompetent cervix and had nothing to do with my age. Older women have had pefect pregnancies. It's more about your health history. There are added risks with advanced maternal age such as risk of down's syndrome and such, so you have to prepare yourself for those things. Your doctor will know a lot more than I do about those things.
    My plan for telling my daughter is pretty simple...complete honesty. I had to explain things to my nieces and nephews, ages 18, 15, 10, and 5. I did it in an age appropriate manner. The 18 and 15 yr olds know everything and have even seen my donors profile. The 10 year old knows I wanted a baby and had a man and doctor help me. The 5 yr old was just told I wanted a baby and a doctor helped me to have one. He will learn more as he gets older. I also wrote in a pregnancy journal during this entire process. It's like a letter to my child. I will give it to my daughter when she's older. I wrote in it during my IUIs, negative tests, positive tests, miscarriage, pregnancy...everything. She will never doubt how much she was loved and wanted because she will know my true thoughts during the entire process. THere are several books and articles on how to tell children, but really, I am just going on instinct and what I would like to know. I also only considered open donors so my child would have the chance to meet their father one day and ask any questions.
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    rab- I had turned 42 and got pregnant. I like Austin had a great pregnancy until 32 weeks 3 days when I slipped down some stairs. Needless to say took myself to the hospital and found out I had severe preclampsia and HELLP. They delivered Hunter at 32 weeks 5 days and he is doing amazing. He was in the NICU for 6 weeks but has been home for 2 months now and it is a an amazing miracle.

    While I was in the NICU I met mom's of all ages, one of my newest friends and HERO's is a 47 year old woman who just had her second set of twins. She like Austin had a set of twins delivered at 26 weeks and lost the little boy. Her 2 1/2 year old is amazing and adorable.

    So talk to your doctor, and see what they say. You are not to old to have a second child. I sometimes think about doing it again so Hunter can have a sibling but like you I am leary. That could be because I have been sick for his entire life, due to the complications of high BP. It is getting better but I am still not released to go back to work and will have to at some point.
  • Doubleoh7Doubleoh7 Posts: 36
    Hi ladies,
    Congrats to you all. I am 44 and currently on the 2ww. This is my second round on iui with menopur and a trigger shot. I will test on Friday or Saturday. My last pregnancy was 18 years ago.

    I am so excited to share this experience with my girlfriend. She and I aren't scared at all. I am very healthy and fit and have a lot of support from friends and my daughter. My oldest passes away accidentally 3 years ago at 19 and my daughter was suddenly left an only child. That was not anything I ever wanted for either of my children. So after many, many, many hours and days of crying, therapy and soul searching I came to decide the best way to heal myself, provide my daughter with a sibling, and to add a much needed boost to our family, I am on the 2 ww.

    I do not know what I will do if I can't get pregnant but I can deal with anything after what I've already been through. Perhaps my girlfriend will try to conceive.

    Best to all,
    Q
  • rabrab Posts: 10
    Hello Everyone,

    Thank you for responding. Your personal stories, experiences and insight are very much respected and appreciated. I wish you all continued healing, strength, and beautiful futures with your children and families.

    I will definitely start with visiting my doctor, and see what my options are.

    Best to all and your babies!

    R.
  • SeluneSelune Posts: 5
    I'll be turning 40 this year and am TTC. Haven't found Mr. Right yet and know that I want a child. If you feel you can do it, go for it!
  • Doubleoh7Doubleoh7 Posts: 36
    Hi ladies,

    I'm pregnant!!! Can't believe it!!!!

    Hoping now this baby sticks and develops into a happy and healthy little angel.

    My best to you all,
    Q
  • eeh876eeh876 Posts: 168
    Doubleoh7, congrats! That is great news!!! I hope that all goes well for you in this pregnancy.

    rab- I am 36, and just had my baby girl Sadie about 11 weeks ago. I carried her to term (one day past her due date, actually), and she is healthy and happy. My pregnancy was easy and uneventful. I agree with the others- I think it is more about your personal medical situation than it is about age, and at 38 you actually aren't anywhere near the high end of the age range on this message board.

    I just plan on telling her about her history now, so that she always knows who she is and how loved she is. She has great men in her life (both family and friends), and I don't worry about the future, especially with all of the "alternative" types of families today (which seem to be becoming the norm). I figure if any issues come up I'll cross those bridges when I come to them- for now, I'm just enjoying my baby girl. :-)
  • Doubleoh7Doubleoh7 Posts: 36
    I 100% concur with you eeh76! 38 is very young still and there are so many types of families In the world we should be lucky to have had or are going to have.

    Thanks for the congrats!
  • rabrab Posts: 10
    eeh876 and Doubleoh7,

    Congratulations on your baby girl and your pregnancy!!

    I super appreciate your perspectives and words of support. I have an appointment with my Gyn next week for my annual exam...after which I will discuss my desire for a second child. And then the process will unfold from there...

    Either way, I am extremely blessed for my son. He is my heart and joy...

    rab
  • Doubleoh7Doubleoh7 Posts: 36
    Good luck rab!!!
  • SRV1SRV1 Posts: 3
    I think 38 is pretty young. I was three weeks shy of 42 when I had my first the "old fashioned" way, and am now two weeks past my 47th birthday and am hopefull and 150% ready to have my second, this time via doner because I gave up and ran out of time to wait for the all elusive Mr. Right. And I want more than almost anything for my first to have a sibling and to have this second child and grow our little One Mommy family.

    At 47 I'm past the age where they even keep statistics about sucessful, healthy pregnancies and babies. IMO, at 38 your odds are definitly viable. But I agree, first step is to go see yoru doctor adn see a Fertility doctor to see what yoru body is up to. Its about your own health, what you and your doctors decide about that and what you feel is right for you and your family.

    Best of luck to you and your son!
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    SRV1 I have a friend who just had twins at 47, she is my hero. Good luck.
  • rabrab Posts: 10
    You all are amazing women! Thank you for your supportive feedback!!

    rab
  • hiphethiphet Posts: 2
    Hi everyone,

    It is reassuring to read your stories and thoughts...I'm 45, now a single mom and in early stages of journey (just got my FSH which was 15.8 which I think is too high).

    I would love a son, but am struggling with the social stigma of both my age and having 3 kids (all girls) already.

    All the best to all of you and thanks for sharing!
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