Donor and biological children

MamaBear05

Hello. I am just starting the donor selection process. I am a 33 year old single mom of a 3 year old from a marriage that ended shortly after my son was born. I am very ready for another child. I love being a single mom and have no concerns with that part of this decision. I have a very, very supportive family and network of friends.

My concern is how my second child will feel when my son has visits with his father (not often but they do happen). My ex-husband is not the type of man who will welcome my other child on visits because the child is not his. We have actually discussed it and he is very upset that I will not allow him to be the donor. I thought hard about this, but my ex is somewhat of a "toxic" person and is not stable enough for me to have another child with.

Do any of you have children from previous relationships where the father is somewhat in the picture? How will/do you handle this with the child who is donor conceived? What do you tell the child who doesn't have a father coming to pick him/her up for visits?

Thanks so much.

Butterfly

So your ex husband wants to be the biological father of your second child even if you are not together? And even if you would get pregnant using his sperm you would still raise it as a single mom? If thats the case, you shouldnt have another baby by that man. You should do it through sperm donor, and when you have your second child the new baby shouldnt be going to your ex husband´s house, specially if he will not be welcomed there, and there is nothing you can really do in trying to change your ex-husband´s mind in trying to make him like/love/accpet your new child because frankly its NOT his child so he has no responsability with a new child you might have that´s not biologically related to him.

I am actually in the same boat as you. I have a 6 yr old girl from a relationship I was in. Her father and his family see my daughter every weekend she stays over to his house, and he also picks her up everyday from school, they have a good relationship. Me and him dont talk to each other, I dont go to his house, and he doesnt come over to mine. The "arrangement" is that he picks her up from my house and my kid spends the whole weekend in his house, he never lays a foot in my house, neither do I go to his so thats not a problem. Now the important part-If I was to get pregnant by a sperm donor(which I will soon) it will be none of his business, he wont be asking my anything about it, wont be asking me who´s the father or anything, and I wont give him any type of explanations when he sees me with a huge belly..When my donor conceived child is older he/she will have to understand that my 6 yr girl do NOT have the same father, that´s why my 6yr spends the weekends with her father but my little one doesnt..You have to be honest with your children and tell them the truth, you cant lie or expect your little one to think she/he is biologically related to your ex-husband, you have to explain to them the truth that they have different fathers. You cant lie to your children. You have to set that record straight for their own good, and yours.

MamaBear05

Hi Butterfly. Thank you for the response. Maybe I did not explain the situation correctly. I do not in any way want my ex husband to be the father of my next child, biologically or otherwise. My children will know from the start exactly who they are and how they came to be.

My ex has absolutely no custody of our son. He simply picks him up once or twice a week to take him to dinner or the zoo or something along those lines. I do not expect him or want him to treat my other as his own. And the only reason we had the discussion is because he brought up the question of having more children. I just volunteered a little too much info that he ran with. I am very friendly to him because I feel it is better for my son to not see any animosity between us. He can make up his own decision about his father when he gets older.

My main questions revolve around if any other single moms have found that the child from a donor expresses feeling left out at all because the other child has an actual father that he gets to spend time with.

Butterfly

Hi MamaBear, well since I havent had my donor coneceived child yet I have not yet dealt with how he/she might feel when my daughter spends time with her father. But what I will do when that happens is to give as much love as possible to my donor conceived child so that he/she never feels left out, do a lot of things together, spend much time together and do a lot of fun stuff and spend lots of quality time together so that he/she never feels left out or feels that something is missing in his/her life. Hope that helps.

MamaBear05

That does help. That is my plan also but hearing that others have the same type of situation and plan helps calm my worries. Thank you.