NEED TO VENT

jaimec

So the upside of everyone in my life knowing what I am doing is that I have a lot of support. The downside is, when I get negative reults (like yesterday) I have a lot of people to tell. Is anyone else tired of hearing "I understand" or "I know how you feel" from people that are happily married with children they had no trouble conceiving??? I feel like saying "how can you possibly know how I am feeling??". And the ONE person in my life that has gone through fertility, in vitro, etc. is married and I feel like if I say "at least you had a husband to go through it with" I will be reminded that this is my choice. Yes, doing donor insemination IS my choice because of where I am at in my life. Not because I always grew up thinking "wow, I hope I get divorced young and have to rely on medical science to have a child BY MYSELF". It's so frustrating!!! I realize it's a situation where people outside of it may not know how to react. But it's hard when those closest to me don't even know that the best thing they can say is "I don't know how you must feel, but I am always here for you".

tracyc375

I agree with everything you have said. Most people ( the few I have told ) have been ok with it. Some say some pretty dumb stuff thoyugh i have to say. My sister actually asked if i would be getting child support. Then went on and on about how expensive it is and i have no clue. I guess i just feel like people have accidents all the time and dont worry about finances. Mom is very supportive but does make some comments like wouldnt this be better if you just got married. I also as a child didnt say " i hope i get married young, have 2 miscarriages, have an awful marriage, get divorced, then he passes away, and i have to pay for sperm to have a child! " Not exactly my dream but it is what it is. Im 36 and have cysts and fibroids and have been told i need to do this now. If i want children. SO here i am.

eeh876

I hear you about how hard this is. I've been lucky that most people I have told have actually been pretty sensitive about what they say. But my mom would also prefer that I be married, I've heard comments about how expensive and hard it can be, and I worry about what parents at school will think when this finally happens for me.

In some ways, I am my biggest challenge mentally. I find myself wondering why I have to go it alone, why I never found anyone, why I woke up 35, single, and childless. And I feel like I have no one to blame but myself for where I am at. Sigh.

But I'm glad you bring these things up on the message board, jaimec. This is a place for us to vent and support each other. As amazing as my friends are, they don't completely understand. You ladies do. I am glad to have you guys!

tracyc375

Its not your fault. Its life. Its your path and this is whats meant for you at this time. You didnt do anything wrong! You just have not found anyuone GOOD enough for you or your child. Thats how i feel.

jaimec

Agreed tracy!! I have been told by my sister that I am too "picky" when it comes to dating....ummm, isn't that a GOOD thing???

shonarb73

Ugh! What gets me is when smug-marrieds-with-children act like we have it made being single and childless, but in reality you know they would rarely switch places with us. My sister said, "oh you'll never have another peaceful meal again." Oh, sure, eating alone in front of the tv is so much better! And dating when all both of you can hear is your biological clock ticking - super fun! I recently ruined a potential relationship because the whole time we were getting reacquainted (old college friend) all I could think about was whether he would be a good father and if we got serious by new years how soon could I broach the baby subject? I had already been upfront about my donor plan -hey no pressure fella - and was totally rushing him trying to make a full blown relationship out of a tiny bud. So not fair. At least that epic failure finally put some fire under my behind to get the donor thing moving. People mean well, but I think it's best to tell as few people as possible for as long as possible because they will inevitably make what they think is an innocent comment that I'll perceive as thoughtless.

misskris

I used to like being single and childless in my 20s and early 30s as I had friends that were single parents and struggling BAD. I guess thats part of the reason why I was afraid of doing this on my own but I'm not afraid anymore. As I get closer and closer to the big 40 I am more scared then ever of not being a mother. I have tried dating, I've been on Match and Eharmony so many times, I've been out to the bars, Ive been set up and I am totally done with trying to find a husband. It gets harder and harder to date being over 35 since most guys want someone young, naive and 'untrained.' I wish I would have woken up when I turned 32 and started this. I could not afford childcare or to be a single mother until the last couple of years and a part of me was holding out for Mr Right. Im picky too, very independent and most guys dont like that. And I won't deal with a ton of baggage and baby mama drama and there is alot of that.I have given up after two IUIs and now I am off to IVF which has been financially draining and emotionally exhausting. I still cry alot over 'what if' and I can't help but be pessimistic. I thought Shonarb73 comment "eating alone in front of the TV is so much better!" was funny because it sucks living alone and being alone for so long. I have butt prints in my love seat from sitting down and eating dinner for one. It gets depressing if you can't laugh about it. I am tired of coming home to am empty house with no one to hug me and be happy to see me.I hate it when I hear people complain about their kids and bitch about petty stuff, like my sister.And yes, I love hearing 'being s single parent is hard.' Duuhhh!! You dont think I've thought about it? I am better off than a woman who has been a stay at home mom most of her life, no job skills, and 100% dependant on a man for everything-I have never wanted to be like that. I have worked my butt off, overcome some obstacles, gone without sleep for several nights, served in the military,balanced two jobs and night school- I can sure as heck be a parent.I've survived this long that I am confident I will manage. I had good intentions for a while, I was hopeful I'd fall in love and raise a family with a partner but that hasnt happened and Ive accepted it.I still date now and then but I wont put off trying to conceive any longer. If Mr Right comes along down the road, I'll deal with it if it happens. But right now my focus is starting a family.

nefertiti5

I am new to this and I agree with misskris. It is like she is retelling my life. Let's face it, we as women in this time period have more options. We do not have to settle for the guy in front of us and if Mr. Right comes along…he will love us and our child. As a very independent woman, I am glad to make the choice to start my family and stop waiting on the fairy tale life. I am living a modern fairy tale that I have created and will enjoy until the story ends.

shonarb73

Good point nefertiti5! I think sometimes we need a reminder of how fortunate we are to have so many choices and opportunities. Time for me to stop whining about not having the picture perfect family and concentrate on making my own unique version of happiness. I had a pretty crappy day at work and was feeling really sorry for myself so thanks for making me think about how fortunate I really am!