Single Mom's with two babies

BanditBandit Posts: 348
in Single Mothers by Choice
I am a single mom (okay most of you know my story). My son is 8 months old. I am in the process of moving from where I live to a new town. Closer to family of course. I have no job will not have health insurance when I move (probably can get it), am on unemployment. I am thinking of having a second child, so my son does not grow up as an only child. I have three more vials from his father (his father is sold out) so they would be full siblings. Yes I would be 45 when the second one is born. Thoughts from single moms with two? I have lots of misgivings about getting sick again, but I am relatively healthy, I know I would be high risk again. Then I think, it would take away from my son. It is harder with two, but then again they could be best friends, just curious to hear what mom's with multiple kids say. If I were to get pregnant they would be about 20 months apart.

Comments

  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    I would love to hear this too. I am already thinking about having another to give McKinlee a sibling. I would be okay with adopting too though. I am really worried about having another micropreemie and spending 4 months in NICU. That was exhausting as it was. I can't imagine doing it as a single parent with a toddler at home.

    Glad Hunter is doing well though. I am sorry to hear about the job loss, but I am glad you are making it positive and moving closer to home.
  • grizgirlgrizgirl Posts: 56
    No experience to share but I am planning on 2. I grew up with my brother and it was awesome. We have an extremely small family, no cousins around. My brother and his gal don't seem to be interested in having kids. The young generation will be my little sister (10yrs) and whatever children I have.
  • metsfan6413metsfan6413 Posts: 74
    I too have no experience to share but i will say that i also want 2...i too wouldn't trade in having a sibling for anything... even my mom always tells everyone how happy she is knowing that me and my brother are so close, that way God forbid anything happened to her we would have each other so i agree about wanting to have 2 kids :) I'm a firm believer that things eventually work themselves out even if we dont "see" it now :) its a personal decision but i say if you're comfortable with moving forward then definitely do it :)
  • rebecca191rebecca191 Posts: 8
    I am TTC #1 (in the middle of IVF actually - have 22 embryos!!! growing right now with a transfer in a few days) and I am on the fence about a second child someday. I bought my donor's last vial, but with those numbers I will probably have frozen embryos left. I think I could be happy with either one or two, so I am just not going to decide anything for a while and if I get pregnant, save the embryos for a few years. If I can afford it, I'd probably have a second mainly to give the first a sibling.
  • amyinlvamyinlv Posts: 11
    I had twins B/G at 40. I'm happy they will have each other because as a single parent they will be able to entertain each other for a while when growing up. I hope they will have a close bond when older. I just registered them on the sibling registry and found out that they have a half sister and half brother. I already feel like my family is expanding lol.
  • EbbieEbbie Posts: 40
    Anissa, I wish you the best in your decision. A tough one! I am not a parent at this time but have thought long and hard about if I would want two in order to give the first a sibling.
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Ebbie I know you are trying. There is a lot going on but if I do it I have to do it now. I was really sick with my first one, I had Severe Preeclampsia and HELLP. It took several months for me to get healthy 4 1/2 and Hunter was in the NICU for 6 weeks. Not sure I want to go through that again. Also I have no job, no health insurance after July 31 (not concerned since my doc for insemination does not take any), and I am in the process of moving. I will be looking for a job once I move, but 3 weeks after going back to work I lost mine, so decided to move closer to family and then look for a job. I will make the decision in the next couple of weeks. I think I want to talk to a high risk doctor first. Good luck on your try.
  • shonarb73shonarb73 Posts: 61
    I remember you anissas and you austingurl from when we were all ttc last winter. I was also very sick with preeclampsia and hellp and had Seth at 27 weeks. (I found out later that women who undergo artificial insemination have a higher chance of getting preeclampsia.) He spent 101 days in the NICU came home for a day then went back for a week. He was on oxygen almost 4 months at home. He was a very sick boy and still struggles with weak, tight muscles that have put him two months behind his adjusted age in gross motor skills. I don't mind the delays because he has no evidence of cognitive deficiencies and is getting stronger and growing every day.

    I know I will never try for another baby. In fact, I am giving my leftover vial to the parents of his sibling. Those three plus months in the NICU were the hardest of my life. It tore me up watching my son struggle to live. I saw the other parents who had other children at home and really felt for them and how torn they must feel. There is no way I could risk going through that again. And what if I wasn't so lucky the second time? What if I died? My son would be an orphan. What if my baby died and I fell apart like I nearly did this time and wasn't there for my son?

    Also, single parenting and full-time working is really hard. I would do it all over again for my Seth but I don't think I want to double my load. (Maybe when he gets older I will foster a child or adopt a toddler or older.) And, he is enough. We adore each other and we are happy with just the two of us. When I started this whole process I was secretly hoping for twins, but now I'm thanking my lucky stars he is a singleton. I also thought for sure I would wait a year then go for number two. I didn't want him to be lonely or be a strange only child who doesn't know how to play with other kids. Now I realize that wont happen if I arrange lots of play dates, get him involved in sports/classes and send him to daycare when he gets older.

    Good luck to you with whatever you decide!
  • rebecca191rebecca191 Posts: 8
    In theory, I would like a second eventually, mainly to give my child a full biological sibling and also because my child will have such a small family - only one first cousin who lives 1000 miles away. In reality, I'm 7 weeks pregnant and dealing with nausea so I am kind of in a "NEVER AGAIN!!!" stage right now. I did IVF and have seven frozen embryos, so I imagine I will just hold on to them and pay the storage for a few years. Since they were frozen at a young age (I had just turned 28), waiting a few years won't really change my odds of becoming pregnant with those embryos if I do decide to have another.
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Shonarb...

    So glad to hear you are okay. I must have missed your post about this. I was pretty sick last winter and may have missed some of these.

    I had heard about that, AI patients have a higher risk, but I was on no meds, or anything were you? I just had a normal IUI. Who knows, I try to participate in studies on it, and did in the hospital. They took my placenta and Hunter's cord to study it. I may look into the what they said about it.

    I know all the risks that you are talking about I will not have another. I spoke to a high risk doctor about it and he said the risks did not out way the benefits. It was good to meet with him as now I will never question that.

    I am happy with Hunter, glad he is catching up on everything.

    Is Seth behind the Premie mark of correct age as well, or just behind with correct age.

    Keep us up to date on what is going on with you and Seth.
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    It's crazy how so many of us on this board who had babies ended up in the NICU. I definitely get your concerns Shonarb. My twins came at 23 weeks. My son passed away and my daughter lived. She is doing great and on track with her adjusted age. She does get physical therapy 2x a week due to tight muscles. The only reason I am even considering trying again is because my premature labor was due to incompetent cervix. There are ways to control that and prevent a 4 months NICU stay. My concern is that with a TVC (transvaginal cerclage) most patients end up on bedrest at some point in the pregnancy. That would not be possible as single mom with a toddler at home. It has a lower success rate than other methods, and NICU would be difficult again too. I would only do it if I could get approved and insurance paid for a TAC (transabdominal cerclage). It's much more successful and most women don't end up on bedrest. I am looking at the adoption route too. I have pretty much decided I will have another. I go see my dr in Sept and plan to ask about the TAC. If it's not possible, I am going to adopt. If TAC is possible, then I might try IUI again:)
  • shonarb73shonarb73 Posts: 61
    Anissa, I don't think I posted our story. I'm just now to the point that I can talk about it without feeling the pain all over again. I did clomid and hcg trigger. I don't know if he is being for adjusted age for preemies. I didn't know there was a difference. Also I try not to worry about it. He is progressing and that's what's important. By the time he goes to school no one will be able to tell the difference.

    Austingurl, I agree, it is interesting that there are so many NICU stories on here. I wonder if its because those of us that stalk/stalked the boards are worriers/obsessers and the increased cortisol we put out negatively affected our pregnancies. That would be an interesting study. Any researchers reading?? Yeah, your situation is definitely different from annisa's and mine. You have a much better chance of taking a subsequent pregnancy to term. I'm so sorry about your son. That must've been incredibly hard. I feel guilty for whining about my experience. I still have my son and he is going to be just fine. I'm sure having a healthy girl helps you get through it.

    I didn't mean to be Debbie downer about it. I'm sure things work out great for the majority of single moms (except a lot of us on the board it seems), but personally I just don't feel like a second is meant to be. To others reading (especially those who are currently pregnant): the chances of a super early delivery are actually really low. Just try to relax and rest and eat healthy and exercise and all will be well. And I don't recommend reading these boards or any worst case scenario stories if you are expecting!!

    Good luck to all!
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    shonarb...

    It is an interesting statistic that several of us ended up in the NICU with babies. I did not take any meds ie clomid etc to get pregnant, I just went for an IUI and came out pregnant. I guess that is good. I have heard recently that AI patients have premie babies more than normal conception, not sure if that is for IVF or IUI or what. Just statistics that I have heard.

    As for having another, I won't. Will I adopt, not sure at the present time. Right now I have a healthy little boy and we are in the process of moving to FL. I cannot take on any more, okay if I was able to have another myself I would have done it and not worried about it. But right now I like having the one. I did see the high risk doc and he said not to risk it so I won't.

    We shall see what the future brings.

    Austin... Glad to hear you are thinking of doing this again. I know how hard the NICU was and so glad to hear she is thriving and catching up. She will, Hunter is doing a lot of things a 9 month old should not everything but a lot of it. He is so aware and I wish I knew what he was thinking a lot of hte time.

    Okay I need to pack as I move in a week.
  • austingurl123austingurl123 Posts: 35
    shonarb, I don't think you were being a downer. NICU is hard. And I definitely understand not wanting to do it again. I am exploring my options, but honestly, when it comes down to decision time, I don't know if I would risk it again. I just want to gather facts right now.

    Oh, and my daughter is 7 months old (born in Dec). Her adjusted or corrected age is 3 months. That's how old she should be if born on her due date. That's what Anissa was talking about. Preemies continue to develop at a normal rate so her weight, height, and development are all measured on the 3 month old scale. It makes things a lot less scary because you realize they are not as delayed. If I expected her to do 7 month old stuff, I would be freaking out and worried. LOL. She's doing great though. I am happy that all of us have our little miracles. I wish we could post pictures on this board. The ladies on this board have shared so much of my journey, I would love to show you all my beautiful girl.

    And to anyone trying, don't let us scare you. To have McKinlee, I would go through the pregnancy, early labor, and 4 month NICU stay again in a heartbeat. Our babies are so worth this crazy, emotional ride.
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Austin I agree with you. I would go through it all over again and now that the NICU is a distant memory (it will always be there but not as hard as it once was). I think on how much I learned, how much healthier I became because Hunter was in the NICU and more. He maybe delayed but he is gaining in leaps and bounds. I saw him next to one of his friends yesterday who is roughly the same gestational age as him and he is tiny tiny next to his friend. but that is okay, he will grow and catch up and be just fine.
  • shonarb73shonarb73 Posts: 61
    Oh, yeah, I know all about adjusted age vs actual. I thought you meant something else. Yeah, he is behind for adjusted age. Actual is 10 months, adjusted is 7 months and he's reaching milestones for 5-6 months. For example, he just tonight FINALLY sat up on his own for several minutes! It was very exciting! I was beginning to think this day would never come. That's what he does though. He will tease me for weeks acting like he's going to learn a new skill then he waits until I feel like giving up and then he just does it! He is such a turkey! A turkey that makes me incredibly happy!!!
  • shonarb73shonarb73 Posts: 61
    Annisa and austin: Have you registered on the sibling registry? I did and there are six babies from six different families and one of those has twins on the way! I have now been in touch with three families (1 is another single mom) and it is the neatest thing! One of them looks a lot like my son!! You should check it out.
  • BanditBandit Posts: 348
    Shonarb I have registered. No one has registered with my donor and is sold out and not expected to donate again. So glad that you could connect with siblings of Seth's. I would like to for Hunter, but if I don't I don't. We are moving to FL in a few days, so he will have all of his cousins to play with etc.
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