Conflicted Feelings; Waiting for Mr. Right vs. Adoption vs. Insemination

BratchRBratchR Posts: 12
in Single Mothers by Choice
Hello Everyone,

I am approaching my 34th birthday, single...never married, have no children. I have been in several long-term relationships over the years... Since my mid-twenties I've had this clear vision in my head: falling madly in love, marrying and creating a family with my very best friend who I remain in love with each and every day. Suddenly I am thrown 10 years ahead, now entering the cusp of my mid-thirties...still single, still with no family. I feel I have failed somehow...though I know I've done nothing wrong, just evolving more into knowing who I am. I do believe in timing...pacing this great hope of mine, holding on to my committment of not "settling". However I have felt in my heart since I was very young that I yearn to experience motherhood. I yearn to create a family...and have my family be of nurture, protection, joy and love. I've spent the past 6 months in deep personal reflection and have answered for myself what is it that will bring me the greatest joy...and that is to be a mother first, not a wife first. Honestly, I have avoided answering this for myself for such a long time because of personal denial and how much focus I put on societal judgements...adhering to the "norm", i.e. meet man, date, marry, conceive. My challenges have been not meeting the right man and also feeling resentful for the time I have invested in dating the wrong men. So here I am. I have answered for myself what it is that I want, and that is to be a mother. Now I have the conflicting feelings of how will I become a mother? Through adoption? Through insemination? My biggest question for all of you who are single and who have been or who are going through the insemination process is how do you answer those intrusive questions from peers, co-workers, strangers, etc regarding your visible pregnancy, etc? How do you cope? I work with children/familes in a hospital, the NICU to be exact, and I am surrounded by many nosy and judgemental staff...in addition to the families I serve. The bottom line is I am exploring my options...and figuring out what the best choice will be for me and my child. Thank you for taking the time to read this...I do appreciate your insight very much.

Comments

  • ryanhlryanhl Posts: 116
    BratchR,
    I feel many of the same feelings that you do. I'm 36 and single. I date on and off, but I haven't found any man that I would like to have a life with yet. Sometimes I feel like I'm just standing still while all my friends are moving on to get married, buy a house, and have a family. I'm really happy for them...yet I wonder when is it my time? I work closely with kids for my job and I have always wanted to have a child of my own. I had my first IUI a week and a half ago. I have an awful feeling that it didn't take. I really haven't told anyone at work except a married friend who is having fertility problems and is seeing the same doctor that I am. I worry about people not understanding my decision and my "future" child being sad not to have a father. But I know that this is what is best for me right now and that I will hopefully meet someone later in life that will adopt my child. If not, I know that I can make it on my own and will love my child and provide for her / him.
  • BratchRBratchR Posts: 12
    Thank you, ryanhl, for reaching out. I've been reading all sorts of subject posts on this site...and my goodness, there are so many empowering messages...full of strength and love. Brings tears to my eyes. Today is the first day I came to this site. In fact it was recommended to me by a medical social worker that I work with; her colleague has three children from a donor through CCB...her story inspired me to educate myself on IUI as a very realistic option for myself. Yes, I completely am there alongside you; I have the recycling thought through my mind...'when will my time be?'. Please keep in touch...I will be holding you in positive thoughts.
  • danimoni70danimoni70 Posts: 19
    Ladies,

    Reading both of your post is like reading my own personal thoughts. I'm 38 and single. I have gone through many of my friends and family members getting married and moving on to what I call the next natural state of adulthood--parenthood.

    In my opinion, I am clear that all things do not happen for all people; especially in the way that we often think it should. With this realization, I have come to the conclusion that my path as a mother , which is one of those non-negotitable aspects of my life, will occur in the most non-traditional way.

    I have decided to go through with IUI. Knowing that I can become a mother without having a man was a very freeing experience. I no longer put pressure on me to "find" that person. I no longer wonder, "what's wrong with me?" I have accepted a different route on my journey of motherhood. I celebrate that I have come to a decision!

    Like you, I understand that society will judge, but don't they always? The beauty in the evolution of this world is that people and thoughts are changing. Who would have thought that a black man, raised by a single mother would be the President of the most powerful nation in the world? Yet, it occurred.

    These aspects of society inspire me, propel me and influence me in knowing that my choice to have a baby via a donor is ok. I dont' believe that my child will miss out in any of what life has to offer. Maybe he or she won't have the "traditional" story but then again,my expectation is raise and nurture an extraordinary person!

    The best advice that I can offer is to fill your mind, spirit and heart with positive thoughts. That means create a space that you have been choosen to have this baby and to love, protect and raise a quality and amazing human being. Rejoice in knowing that you will have supporters and fans with your decision. And those who aren't excited for you or your child, that's their opinion.

    We can always become wives but it's a limited time to become a mother; that is if you want the biological experience. Here's knowing that all things are possible and here is believing that both of your dreams and aspirations are within your reach!
  • BratchRBratchR Posts: 12
    danimoni70,

    "With this realization, I have come to the conclusion that my path as a mother , which is one of those non-negotitable aspects of my life, will occur in the most non-traditional way." ..... I, like the two of you, feel I am reading the very similiar and very intimate thoughts stored in the depths of my mind and heart.

    Reading words of support and validation is very encouraging for me, thank you.

    Congratulations to the two of you for making the choice to receive IUI. Your choice is so very empowering and beautiful.
  • danimoni70danimoni70 Posts: 19
    I like you too! I hope that we all can stay connected. I look forward to sharing with you and learning from you too. We all share this special bond, as we continue on our path to motherhood. It's a beautiful thing being a mother, a special priviledge that women have; an annointed power in some ways. I believe with one mother and one child at a time, we can impact the world for the greater good!
  • ButterflyButterfly Posts: 47
    Hi, I know exactly how you feel. I am actually in my 20´s and am a single mom. And I feel my biological clock is ticking way fast for me to have another child. The thing is that I already have a 6yr old from a previous relationship I was in. I thought that after having my daughter I would eventually meet someone else, get married and have other children. Have the "normal" family life I had been longing for since I was a kid but it hasnt happened yet. It seems men these days dont wanna commit or get married. But that hasnt stopped me from wanting to have other children. I dont wanna wait until my daughter is like 15 yrs old for me to me to meet Mr. Perfect, get married and have other kids. I want kids now! I dont wanna wait another second. Even If I am not married and havent found a potential father/Mr. Right I have decided that I want kids more than anything else in life so I decided to have my next kids through a sperm donor. I have already bought my vials and cant wait to use them! I feel happy with this decision I´ve made and know its right for me and that in the end it will all be worth it and I will be very happy with my bundles of joys. Absolutely no regrets.
  • jam1120jam1120 Posts: 30
    It is so wonderful to know that there are women out there that have the same feelings that I do. I am 39 and I have a 2yr old son from a donor and I am preparing for the process of having another. I don't believe that I gave up anything such as the chance to find Mr. Right, by deciding to have a child the unconventional way. I also believe the decision was very freeing. Everyday I look at my wonderful little boy and I am thankful for my decision. Being a mother is both a priviledge and a blessing. No matter what route you take to become a mother - being the best mom to a child is the greatest gift you can give to that child and to yourself.

    At first I was worried that my son would not have a father and that would be difficult for him. But many children are raised without thier fathers being a part of their lives due to divorce or neglect or many other reasons. Now I understand that it does not matter who is not there but who IS there. I am here and the people that love and support me are here.

    In 2005 I was inseminated by a donor and became pregnant with twins. I was beyond thrilled. Due to a rare syndrome - twin to twin transfusion - the babies died in utero during my 5th month. This tragedy did not hinder my desire to have a child so I eventually tried again and I am blessed with a healthy 2 year old boy. My goal is to try again in January and hopefully have another child in 2009.

    Initially people judged my decision. But don't they always. Even when I told my sister about starting the process again she said "Don't you want a husband" Yes. But I want another child more. When the time is right, I may find a man, but I haven't yet, and I'm not waiting. So my advise to single women is do what you feel is right, because no one understands your needs better than you.
  • carverlilycarverlily Posts: 8
    Ladies,

    It is nice to read your thoughts. I just turn 39, and I am also single. I am a physician in a small town. I thought about this long and hard considering my busy schedule and the very low likelihood that I am going to meet Mr. Right. After reflecting on what I wanted most now, after acheiving my goal to become a doctor, have a nice house, travel the world and even owning my beloved dog, the only other thing that don't have and have wanted as long as I can remember is my baby.
    I'll start my insemination process next month. I am excited and terrified. More terrified that I waited too late. Terrified that in being the "good girl" and persuing my career that I missed my window. I have slowly let a friend at a time and a family member at a time know my plans. And as for the noisy coworkers asking about the pregnancy.." I meet a wonderful man and I am having a child" They don't need to know he's donor #.... LOL I did pick an open donor just in case when my child is older they can decide for themself to meet him.
  • sunshine3313sunshine3313 Posts: 37
    I am 34 as well and using a donor. I have an 8 year old son, and of course had this pretty picture of doing things different next time with a great husband. So that has not happened and here I am. It is scary, but it is even scarier to think of not having another. I thought about it for about a year. Everyone says I have plenty of time, but I am done waiting. I have only told one co-worker, my mother, and a neighbor who gives me my HCG shot. They are all supportive, but I am not telling anyone else until I have to. And then I plan to look them straight in the eye with my chin up and tell them I am having a baby. So many people were judgemental just when I said I was trying eharmony a few years ago! This will make you the topic of gossip for a short while, until something new comes along. I did pick an open donor as well. This for me is the most important thing I look at. Good luck to all of you!!
  • ryanhlryanhl Posts: 116
    It is so wonderful to read your posts. I feel comforted reading about your thoughts and concerns that are very similar to mine. I am very concerned about what I will say once I become pregnant by donor sperm I wonder just how accepting people will be. I guess that is when I will learn who my true friends are. :)
  • JoanneJoanne Posts: 1
    Thank you so much for your honesty. I am 31 and no where near meeting Mr Right. I have been thinking about having a baby on my own for quite some time, but I am scared. I would really like my child to have a dad, but then I also think that as long as he/she has positive male influences and lots of love they will be OK. I have mentioned my desire to a few friends and they do not understand why do not wait to find a man, but they are also supportive if IUI is the decision I make. My family thinks I am crazy, but they think most of my decisions are crazy : ) They love me anyway! I really appreciate everyone sharing their fears and concerns and happinesses!
  • BratchRBratchR Posts: 12
    Thank you ALL for sharing. Your feelings and thoughts bring me a world of comfort and affirmation.

    I drove out to the coast yesterday for reflection...with my most beloved canine children...and a friend who I have become close with in the last year. He is a 70 year old professor...an individual with a sea of wisdom. It's interesting how we get to the place of confiding our innermost thoughts with someone. He is the first person I have shared the idea of IUI with...for I know my thoughts and feelings are safe with him. He was elated at the thought, supporting my desire to be a mother, all the while affirming that it is nobody's business how I become a mother...and yes, as hurtful as it may be, I may be faced with learning who the champions are not in my life. He reminded me that this is a choice I have the power to make...and it is liberating to know I can choose what I have yearned for........for so long.
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    I am the oldest person here... I will be 46 in July. My advice to all of you is have your child/children as soon as you are comfortable with knowing that Mr. Right may NOT come along... it is a decision that I wish I had made sooner.

    When I told my mother what I am going to do, she had a fit... until I reminded her that by "trying to have children like most normal folks" is the REASON I am 45 now and still waiting... needless to say, that ended the argument about it.

    I am currently waiting to see a fertility specialist to see if I can have children... I may have waited too late... and if I have, that I will regret but, with so many children needing a home, I still have that route open to me.

    Don't wait... if you're sure, YOU'RE SURE...
  • ArkmomArkmom Posts: 92
    Sunshine (age 34) wrote: "Everyone says I have plenty of time, but I am done waiting."

    I just wanted to comment on this because we hear this all too often from judgmental and uninformed people. The truth is, no one knows how much time a woman over thirty has left to have children. The fact that you keep getting your period until you are about 50 does not mean you can have kids for all or those years. Some women may be able to get pregnant at 50 (very few indeed) but others find that it is too late for them at 35 or even younger. I have known of at lest one 33 yearold woman through another online group that was unable to have child with her own eggs and another who is 34 and has been trying without success for more than 2 years.

    I don't say this to scare or discuorage anyone, only to point out that people who confidently assure you that you have plenty of time don't have a clue what they are talking about. Further, they are making the assumption that this is a desperate or distasteful choice than cannot rightfully be made until time is crittically short to have children the "good" way. They also seem to assume that you are able to have children easily until you reach a certain limit in age, then suddenly you can't, as if you can chose to wait until the last year you are fertile and still be confident in getting pregnant at that time. The truth is your chances of getting pregnant are better at 30 than they are at 35 and better still at 25 than they are at 30. If you are sure about what you want, waiting while your chances of success go down seems counter productive to me. If I had know at 24 that I would be single and childless at 29, I would have gone ahead and had a baby then instead of waiting another 5 years.
  • MamaLauraMamaLaura Posts: 29
    Very well said, Arkmom. I don't think it's scary or discouraging. Very encouraging, in fact.
  • kparentkparent Posts: 0
    Hello Ladies,
    I can repeat the same story that many of you women have already expressed. Kudos for your bravery and open hearts. Your experiences make this whole "lone motherhood" adventure not so lonely. I am very fortunate to have a very supportive mother, step-father and brothers. As for my father, he probably won't speak to me ever again. I am sad for him as he has no idea the joy he will be missing.

    I was raised by a single mother and my father chose to live 3000 miles away and refused to live near his kids or see them more than twice a year.

    I think there are many pros & cons for raising a child with or without a father. We can justify the desicion in either direction. There are so many variables to each individual situation that is it impossible to give a blacket right or wrong cenerio. Bottom line, we do the best we can with what we know and what we have. I feel that beacause we all have doubts about being the "best" mom in the world makes us all the BEST (or FUTURE BEST) moms in the world. Clearly we have all done everything in our power and hearts to consider all people involved in our decisions and all the consequeses to our actions.

    I waited for Mr Right and even called off my wedding 8 weeks prior to the big day because I was more in love with the idea and going with the norm that I forgot to be happy. I spent the next 5 years convincing myslf that I didn't want to get married or have children. That was the worst decision I ever made as I ended up in a deep depression. Once I came to terms that mother hood was non-negotiable, and took the first step to IUI - I became my old self again. It was almost an instant transformation. I am still bummed out about the husband/father part but that is no guareentee he'll be around to raise the child.

    I am excited and scared about my first IUI in March... but WAY more excited!

    Love, Strength and Courage to us all!
  • CANDICE1594CANDICE1594 Posts: 14
    I too feel very fortunate to have my families support in my decision. I started the process at the age of 35. I stopped after my HSG because I felt I had not spent anytime trying to find a life partner. I spent the last 5 years dating and found a man about a year and half ago that I thought was my prince charming. This past fall after I figured out that he was not all I thought he was I started the process again. I was so shocked at the support of my parents. They have even joined in on my fertility food diet. When I told my supposed prince charming he seem extremely supportive even offered to attend my doctor appointments. I found him on an dating web site about 5 hours later. I realized I truly have made the right decision and am so thrilled. I will have my first IUI on Monday and I am nervous as my numbers and ovarian reserve is not good. I have the faith though that it will work because I know that it is the right time for me.

    Good luck to all in your decision.
  • babymakes2babymakes2 Posts: 1
    Hi! I am new to this site and new to the idea of being a single mother..I am 40yrs.old and like everyone out there never thought there wasnt going to be Mr. Right and question daily if there ever will be. I have pcos and after seeing a fertility dr. he basicly said its now or never.I can believe how fast never came upon me.I 'm really nervous about this single journey,but I know all things are possible. After reading all of your comments my decisions are clearer and I thank you for all for that. Your stories have inspired me and truely touched me.Having a child is truely a blessing and we should all beable to have that experience...w/ or w/out a man. My family and friends are so excited that it really does make this process so much easier..Thank you all again and may it be a blessed year for all..
  • hannahahannaha Posts: 71
    Me too, I turned 40 last september. I want to adopt since I was 18 years old. However, last year when i fill out the adoption application, I recognize that reality is more complicated than my heartful will and also expensive. Those facts turn me into CCB. Now, I feel more confident each day pass by.
    I've been reading that eating wheat germ and yam can increase your chance of pregancy. I've been drinking wheat germ with soy milk and eat one yam everyday.
    Today is my ovulation, I'm having IUI tomorrow at 10am. I try to not expect much, so wont dissapoint much either. My busy schedule distract me. However, I would like to take some rest tonight.
    Wish the best luck to all of us.
  • nbaileynbailey Posts: 8
    For all of you conflicted: Please don't say things like, " I try not to expect much" or I will never, etc. The power of positive suggestion is what you need to embrace and live.
    I was 34, single, very picky ( realizing who I have become as a single woman and not wanting to "settle") and my desire to be a mom was intense.
    Therefore, I sought out CCB.. I chose a donor, I went to my doctor, got ready, had the U.S and there was only one good follice (not even that good) the Doc suggested I wait; I said..Lets do it.. I know it will take. So we did IUI with 5677 and 9 months later, On her due date, my daughter was born.
    I never even thought about what I would say and how I would handle it... etc. That all came after she was born and I still don't know .. I figure that her and I will live our lives to the fullest. I will have another this year and we will live happy and full and we will figure it out together.
    Ok, So what do I say to people now.. I say, "her dad lives in California ( ccb) you don't know him!" It is the truth and they don't ever ask more than that.
    Just have your babies.. get pregnant, be healthy, stop trying to figure everything out. Your baby will help you do that...you just have to have her first.
    Good luck to all of you .. you are very strong women for even considering all of this.. so just do it!!!
  • nbaileynbailey Posts: 8
    For all of you conflicted: Please don't say things like, " I try not to expect much" or I will never, etc. The power of positive suggestion is what you need to embrace and live.
    I was 34, single, very picky ( realizing who I have become as a single woman and not wanting to "settle") and my desire to be a mom was intense.
    Therefore, I sought out CCB.. I chose a donor, I went to my doctor, got ready, had the U.S and there was only one good follice (not even that good) the Doc suggested I wait; I said..Lets do it.. I know it will take. So we did IUI with 5677 and 9 months later, On her due date, my daughter was born.
    I never even thought about what I would say and how I would handle it... etc. That all came after she was born and I still don't know .. I figure that her and I will live our lives to the fullest. I will have another this year and we will live happy and full and we will figure it out together.
    Ok, So what do I say to people now.. I say, "her dad lives in California ( ccb) you don't know him!" It is the truth and they don't ever ask more than that.
    Just have your babies.. get pregnant, be healthy, stop trying to figure everything out. Your baby will help you do that...you just have to have her first.
    Good luck to all of you .. you are very strong women for even considering all of this.. so just do it!!!
  • danimoni70danimoni70 Posts: 19
    nBailey,

    Thank you for your kind words and reminders of positive thinking too. Your daughter is lucky to have a wonderful mom like you. I LOVE that you said her dad lives in California...once I become pregnant, I'm going to use that!
  • MamaLauraMamaLaura Posts: 29
    lol if I didn't live in California, I would use it too.
  • ualtiggerualtigger Posts: 589
    Hmm... now I know what to tell MY nosy folks too!!
  • BratchRBratchR Posts: 12
    nBailey,

    Thank you.....so much for your powerful words. I'm sitting here, so emotional....yet with relief in knowing I CAN "do this"....I can! Tomorrow I will be 34. Gosh, I am having a difficult time with this birthday. In a huge sense I am amazed of all that I have accomplished and all that I have seen...in light of some incredible challenges along the way. I feel very fortunate to have had these experiences, to have met some incredible individuals...all of which has contributed to the strong, capable person I am today.

    Your words affirm everything I want for my future...and it is such a liberating feeling to seek that which I want most!

    Thank you...
  • popcopopco Posts: 3
    I have a stunning baby boy from CCB!! He is the joy of my life... I think everyone struggles with many of the same questions that cirlce around this topic!!!! However, your deep desire for children is an innate drive and will not weaken until you have a child--- that intense!!! A mother's bond with her child is the strongest bond in the world. Unfortunaly a woman can conceive only during a limited timeframe in her life. Using donor sperm also takes sometimes much longer to achieve a pregmancy and increasing age decreases success rates. Men can be met at any time in lifeand could come and go, unfortunately, or pass away-- hopefully not! but children cannot be conceived at any time. SOOOOOOOO If you definintely want a child of your own.... ABSOLUTELY go for it!!!OTHER WISE YOU WILL MISS OUT ON THE GREATEST JOY OF YOUR LIFE!!
    I have 2 degress and have worked in the IT world and also teaching-SEEING my littly guy progress developmentalyy can be compared to nothing!n I'd give my life for him and love him intensely more than I could any man! And I've had some great relationships!!! Please let me know of your decision I have bad shoulder but took the time to reply to help and share...because I feel so strongly!!! account1955@hotmail.com
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