How important is having an "open" donor?

librahim

Just wondering how important some single moms feel about making sure the donor will be available for questions later in life? I've noticed that cryobank has many donors are under 25 and at that age most of them are anonymous. But maybe as they get older, they wouldn't mind answering a quesiton or two. There's no doubt that the child is going to have questions. If your first donor pick is not open and your second donor pick is, would you go for your second pick?

nbound72

It was very important for me to have an open donor. I'm a very curious person by nature. I want my child to have the choice to contact the donor. That was one of the many criteria when making my selection.

abbyjenna

It wasn't important to me until I was listening to the audio interview of my donor-to-be, and he was asked why he chose to be an open donor. He said that if it were him, he would want to know where he came from. He's right, too, I think. Although I don't know... I guess if you REALLY like a donor, and he's anonymous, you could still go for it. How's that for a completely useless answer? :)

librahim

:) no useless answers, it's great to get other women's perspectives. Anybody out there think that it's not that important?

MzDnya

I just had my 1st IVF and hopefully my lasted. My original two picks was back in October of 2009, but both donors has since retired from the program. I was back to ground zero. Now from a financial point, anonymous donors are cheaper than open donors, but money was not an issued this time around. I final got down to two donors three weeks before the procedure, I reviewed each donors detailed profiles, since I purchased everything the CC had on them. I pick the donor I would most likely date and over all medical history, it happened to be the opened donor. I personally decided to tell my child the truth of why and how they was conceived at an early age. Even with an open donor, the donor can still decided not to be contacted by his offsprings at a later date. Also, he could stop updating his personal contact information with CC or pass away before your child turns 18 yr old. When deciding to be a single parent using unknown donor sperm, you gave up your child's rights to know the other side of his/hers heritage up close. Open or anonymous was never the deciding factor for me, the over all family medical background and would my offspring fit into my family make up. I didnt want my child to feel like an outsider within his own family. As the previous lady said, pick the one you really like, I know I did. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make, because being a MOM, you know whats best for your child EVEN BEFORE ITS BORN.

JustThinking10

To me, it is extremely important to a person to know where they came from. I never realized this until I went through the foster care program where they really stressed it. I see now that no matter how much you love your family, you still need to know about yourself, too, in order to feel like you "belong". I think no matter if you are around the person or not, it's important to a person to say "Yeah...I got that from my dad's side of the family." I see how important it is to my daughter to know that even though she doesn't see her dad (my ex husband) every day, she still has some features that she's proud to say she got from him. She looks just like me, and she loves that...but to be able to say..."see this? My dad has that, too" is a very cool thing to a child. I think everyone deserves the right to know where half of their dna comes from. I've done quite a bit of research on children of donors, and there is a misconception out there that the majority of these kids are depressed later in life. They're finding out that a lot of the depression problems is not from having an absent father...but from simply not knowing who he is. I think putting a name and face with where you came from is something every person is entitled to. Just my two cents!! I'm confident in telling my future child that I wanted him/her in my life so much that I spent hours finding just the right donor, and that in a few short years they can call him up and say hello! For all those with anonymous donors...I support you, too!! This is just my opinion and MY choice.

JustThinking10

Please note that I said there is a "misconception" about children of donors being depressed. While I'm sure there are some children that have trouble with this issue, I highly doubt that the majority of donor children have issues! I was just stating what I found. My point was that I can see how any child would have issues not knowing half of their origins...whether they are adopted, orphaned, or children of donors. Just wanted to clear that up!

MzDnya

Ladies,

One of the main reason most of us single ladies use donor sperm is that we have not found MR.RIGHT. Please review how the open donor process works. The donors is only obligate to one contact either by telephone, face to face or mail once the child turns 18yr and writes to CC to reach out to his donor. It is up to the donor how he wishes to communicate with your child and if he wants to continue contact with his off-springs after the initial meeting. He did not sign up to be a father to your child or share his family and do not expect this to happen. The only issue is being honest with your child and setting the right expectations of not ever knowing that side of his heritage. If you strongly feel that your child needs know both side than this is not the route for you to take. Maybe you should rethink your options.

JustThinking10

MzDyna,

I think you interpreted my post wrong. My intention is not for my child to strike up conversation and have a "father figure" in their life once they turn 18. My only intention is for them to at least have the "closure" of knowing that the person exists, knowing the name and face, and realizing that there is a human behind all of the medical notes. I highly doubt anyone in our situation is expecting a donor to be a father to our child. And yes, he did sign up to be the father to the child....he just chose to help out once, rather than for a lifetime. Like it or not, this man IS the father of your child...he just chooses to live his life without the child in it. I would be very satisfied to see my child contact his/her biological father after he/she turns 18 just to know that there was someone else that helped bring them into this world...someone that contributed to who they are. If nothing else, I think we'd like to just say thank you to the donor for their part and for allowing the child to open the seal on their identity. Being a father and being a dad are two very different things in my book, and I don't consider a donor the "dad". But I do feel like every child deserves to at least know WHO their biological mother and father are if at all possible. This doesn't mean they'll have a relationship with that person at all...but I do think there should be the right to know who they are. Again...just my opinion! Wishing everyone on here lots of success and happiness!

johnagabrielle

I think with all of the good options, it is just as easy to find a great open donor than anon. donor - so - assuming $$ is no option, why not keep (at least theoretical) options open?? You never know what the child will want.

That said - I feel compelled to send gratitude - I adore the comment above about being a MOM and therefore knowing whats best even before the child is born. That idea has given me an overwhelming feeling of peace. Thank you.

mnm1104

An open donor is simply someone who agrees to send one form of communication when the kid turns 18. We decided this would give our child the expectation that they would hear from their donor, when in reality, who knows if 18 years from now that will actually happen. We decided if we chose a closed donor, our child could still decide to try to find their bio father in the future with the expectation that it might happen (and perhaps be a little less painful if it didn't happen).

sverde74

It was my number 1 criteria. Open Donor was one of my, "must haves", in the search criteria. Watching all of the shows about adoptees searching for long lost mothers and fathers who gave them up, even though they were raised in loving homes with 2 great parents, has convinced me that there is a inate desire inside all of us to know our roots and origins. I couldn't close the door, from the beginning, on even the potential desire my kid would have to find his/hers.

Unknown

Ok I completely understand where people are coming from on the open donor part but at the same time I called and spoke with a representative at the cryobank and they said when your child turns 18 regardless if the donor is open or not your child can contact the cryobank and ask the cryobank to contact the donor to see if they would like to talk or correspond or whatever for me the financial part is a little in me making my decision I looked at other cryobanks some are cheaper and I still have a little bit more time in making my decision because my doctors and I are trying to get me to ovulate first and then we are going to do my 1st IUI I am young but there are many reasons why I am choosing to do this now and a lot are personal my doctors have had me meet with counselors do blood work and all kind of stuff I have been going through all of this alone I have support from friends and some family but me going to the doctors has been by myself and this process is so long now its coming down to trying to get me to ovulate and I have to say I'm extremely nervous and scared my uterus is fine tubes are fine I have PCOS and since my last doctor visit I have less follicles yay so now I'm freaking out about choosing a donor I look at medical history and background of the donor I have 6 saved in my faves and I think I've narrowed it down to 2 but this process is so long I don't think people really understand how frustrating it is to be doing this alone it takes a lot of guts and courage and we soon to b single moms or already single moms need to stick togther!!!

LDM2011

I selected an "open donor" because I have two very good friends who were adopted. I heard first hand from them how important it was to know who their BIO parents were. Now in their situation its both parents, not just one, but equally curious. I thought, that by selecting "open" and paying a bit more now, may prevent "cost", "concern", and "disappointment" later. This is just my opinion.

The other fact for Open donors is that they are set up with more of a "limited release" than Anonymous donors.

Good Luck to everyone!

nataliemh

I'm going to have to play devil's advocate on the comparison to adopted children. My mom and two of my cousins were adopted. My cousins were both adopted in the early 90s as open adoptions. I have watched them grow up confused about who their "real" parents are, struggling with feelings of rejection when visiting the parents who "gave them up," and having to reconcile the life choices of their birth parents (one of their birth mothers went on to have several more children, all by different men, and is now living on welfare) with the values of their adoptive parents.

My mom, by contrast, was adopted in the 50s, so obviously it was a closed adoption. My grandparents were open with her about the fact that she was adopted from the time she was old enough to understand, and explained to her that her birth parents loved her and wanted her to have a good life, but they couldn't provide that for her so they found another family who needed a child and would love her and take care of her. My mom has never looked for her birth parents, and she says she has never felt incomplete. She did seek out medical information on her birth mother, but otherwise she has no interest in finding her biological family. And, she has pointed out (and I agree) that the joyful reunions on Oprah are probably the exception - more often than not, tracking down bio parent information is probably opening a can of worms better left closed.

My point is, I guess, that life is not perfect. If it was, all people who would be wonderful parents would be able to do so without any medical intervention, and all children would be born to parents who would love and care for them as they deserve. As far as the open/anonymous donor question - I think it is a lot in how you explain it to your child. I am not entirely comfortable with either alternative, myself, but I think in the end I am not going to make that a factor in the donor I choose. I think it's more important to choose a donor with qualities that I would like my child to have. Anyway, that's just my two cents :-)

Gracas

Well said Nat!

sarah71

I was brought up not knowing my father. Finding out who he was, where I came from, why I am different from the rest of my family, was the single most important question I had as a child.

Fortunately I got to meet my farther in my twenties and it resolved all sorts of questions / doubts I had felt. Meeting him, even though I didn't much like him, (and finding my half siblings) made me feel so much better and confident in being myself.

I think if you choose an open donor, they have already expressed an interest in having some contact with their child. This can only be a good thing.

tj1004

I didn't take it into consideration. My older sister is my half sister - we have different fathers. Her biological father was in her life up until she was 3 or 4 and she hasn't had contact with him since (she's 43 now). A couple months ago I was visiting & one of her friends, who didn't know we had different fathers, asked my sister if she ever wondered about her bio dad. My sister said no. As far as she was concerned, our father is her father. She said the only time she ever thought about it was when she was pregnant & she started wondering about genetics.

I also unfortunately have a couple of friends who can attest to the fact that being able to put a name & face to the person who provided the sperm (in person in these cases), doesn't necessarily mean your child is going to have any contact with the father.

I understand wanting to know where you come from as I'm very into geneology, but I think if you're up front with your child/ren & provide them all the information you have on the donor it will help them. As you pointed out, a lot of the donors are in their early 20s & probably aren't thinking about 20 years down the road - they may change their mind.