Do you plan to tell your child

aka_mama1

My husband and I are unsure if we should tell our child when they get older, that their dad isn't their biological father, and that we did use a donor to get pregnant. On one hand, I want to be honest with them, but on the other hand, I wouldn't want them to look at their dad any differently. My family does know that we were having infertility problems and are going to use a donor, but I'm wondering if down the road and if so, when, should we tell our child?

kaylababy

I would think if everyone in the family knows you should definitely tell your child. I don't know how or when. It's probably something you'd always tell them so that it doesn't have to be a big heavy serious discussion at some point. It would be terrible if your child found out from anyone but you.

Good luck!

mnm1104

I'm a social worker and I've worked with a lot of teenagers struggling with major relationship issues with their parents. Trust is one of the most important things you can give your child, and if they ever found out you kept such a huge truth from them, it could be devastating to your family. You can help them with any issues they have from being born from a donor- you can't help them if you are the problem because you lied. Be honest from day one and they'll respect you for it. Good luck!

aka_mama1

That makes sense and I guess I agree. I just don't know how you can tell your child from a young age and make them understand what it means. Adoption was an option we considered and I knew I would plan to tell my children from the beginning that they were adopted but I knew how to explain that. How do you explain a donor and how do I talk my husband into this. :(

cdaye

To the original poster - I found some booklets for sale (minimal price) online from Donor Conception Network, which I think is a group out of the United Kingdom. I have no connection to the group, but I found the booklets very useful and plan to use them to help me talk to my donor-conceived children. The booklets give great ideas on appropriate ways to talk about donor conception depending on your child's age and they start at O-7 years, with ideas on telling the child in a way they understand from a very young age. I think they also contain research on the effects of talking or not talking to the child about it, so these also might be useful to show your husband if he is not inclined to tell your child early on. (The booklets and Donor Conception Network do take the perspective you should tell your child from an early age, so that is how they are geared.) Just wanted to share this if it is helpful to you, because I found them very helpful to read.

audve

Hi. Our RE required us to go to a counselor as a prerequisite to using donor sperm. The counselor was well versed in this area and we specifically asked her how you tell a child. She had great ideas and showed us books written for children about using a donor. She recommended bringing it up at an early age and discuss it in a child-like way. Then as the child ages talk about it in a more age appropriate way. That way it is a "non-issue" (as much as possible) because he/she will know about this from the get-go. Hope this helped a little.

Muza

Using a councelor seems like a great idea. I just do not know how to find one knowleadgeable on the topic. I live in Southern California -- any suggestions?

aka_mama1

Thank you everyone. That is very good advice and I have to say that I do agree. Now I just have to figure out how to get my husband on board. He really really really wants to keep this a secret. And I was incorrect in saying that our families knew. My friends know that we are having difficulties and 2 friends I work with know that we are going to use a donor, but none of our family knows that we are going to use a donor. I really want to tell my mom but because my husband is so against it, I am keeping it between me and my 2 friends right now. Any advice or different opinions now? Do you think if our families don't know, that I should accept my husband's wishes and keep it a secret? Could I tell them that I am going through IUI's because we are having difficulties getting pregnant but keep out the donor part? Help!

KarenR

I would say this to your husband. "If we act ashamed, our child will be ashamed. If we act like it is a miraculous gift that allowed us the blessing of a child, then your child will feel like a miraculous gift!" WHich he/she will be!!!

My son is 3 months old and I am already telling him how he was conceived. He's a pretty easy audience right now and it lets me work the kinks out of the story! LOL.

Good luck!!

aka_mama1

LOL! Very true and I agree. He's a stubborn one... I think he's afraid of hearing, "you can't tell me what to do, your not my dad" type stuff in the future. And I don't blame him, but I agree with all the comments above too, although I'm not in his situation, so it's hard for me to tell him he's wrong.

*** Has anyone talked their husband into this and if so, how did it go? Any husband that weren't able to have their mind changed???