What do I say??

Nikki27

I'm new to this...seriously thinking about ici to conceive. I am a divorced mother of two, my children are six and four, and I SO badly want more children. I have not been in a relationship in a while, and honestly not sure that I want to be. I would really like to be done having children by the time I am 30. I am almost 28 now. My main concerns are what people will think....what do I say when people ask who the father is? Should I really care? How do I explain it to my son and daughter? And what do I tell my future baby when he or she is asking why they don't have a dad when the two older siblings are going to visit my ex husband? Any advice?

sunshine3313

I have no advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone! I have an 8 year old son, and my biggest worry is when he goes to visit his dad. Do not care what others think. The ones who will be judging will be the married women who have not walked in our shoes I suspect. Of course you should not care what they think, but sometimes that can be easier said than done. I plan on being as simple and honest as I can with my son. He will have questions though. I am not telling him until I have that BFP and am a couple months along. Good luck, and hopefully someone else posts on what to tell baby when your older ones are going to dads. I would love some input on that too!

Unknown

You're only 28! Jeeze. Live and don't worry about when you're going to meet someone. You're so young. Have children with someone you love. I'm 42. I was in a relationship with the wrong person for too long, and this was my only option. You have options.

MamaLaura

I'm going to copy and paste what I said in another thread, here. But I'm also going to add something...

Nikki - I'm going through much of the same.

I'm divorced and with two children. I'm only 22, and my children are only 3 and 2, but I want more children very much and I honestly don't really care to be in a relationship. I like being on my own. I'd also like to be done having children by the time I'm 30, but I obviously have several years to go... Still, I don't want to wait until then either. And I don't see why I should have to.

I wonder how to explain my decision to everyone. I've only mentioned it to a couple of people, and most don't understand. I shouldn't care, but I do. Though not enough to change my mind. And I do question how I'll explain to my kids. My BIGGEST question of all is the last one you asked... "And what do I tell my future baby when he or she is asking why they don't have a dad when the two older siblings are going to visit my ex husband?"

I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat :o)

I'm also adding here that I don't think you should worry about people like wendymiele@cox.net and what they say. Do what YOU want when YOU want to. You're an adult. And an experienced one. You know what's best for your family.

Nikki27

Thank you for your insight....I do appreciate the fact that I am not alone. That brings some consolation to my concerns. I do feel set in my decision so I suppose I will deal with these questions as they come up, and try not to worry too much about it. Wish me luck :)

Arkmom

Anyone who claims to want children but waits to have children until it is almost imposible to do so has no room to judge other people's life choices. There is nothing shameful about having kids on your own and no reason to wait untilit is your only option. Anyone who thinks a 28 year-old mom has all the time in the world to meet someone and have healthy babies is also not looking at the social or biological facts. Many women can and do have healthy baies in their late thirties and even early forties. Many other women, however, are suprised to find in their middle or even early thirties that it is too late for them personally to do so. Meanwhile it can take five or ten years or longer to meet "someone you love" who wants to be ther father of your children, and forming relationship is not easy when you feel pressure to evealuate every casual date for this purpose.

MamaLaura

Well said Arkmom.

Nikki27

Thank you Arkmom.....I agree 100%

ninargv

Hi, i haven't been on since I got my BFP 10 weeks ago, but I saw your post and wanted to comment.
I an not exactly in your same situation, I am having my first child and I will be a single mother and I am 25 years old. For me the greates thing in life is to become a mother, nothing else matters to me. I consider myself somewhat succesful in terms of what society might consider succesful, I graduated college I own my one business, my own home (since I was 19), but even being able to acomplish all of this at my age never gave me as much satisfaction and pride as the day I got my BFP.
My point is that you are trying or thinking of concieving by this method means you allready want and love that baby, and the love you show your baby will be enough explination.

MamaLaura

ninargv - That was a really nice post! I agree with your last statement very much. Congrats!

nbailey

I chose an open donor just in case she asks and wants to know; In the meantime I plan to tell her that her dad is a very special man that knew how much I wanted to have her and he gave us a very special gift .. and she was born. She does look somewhat like his baby pic. so I will show that to her so she can identify with belonging to someone.. I will then explain, as she is older: her father and I did not have a relationship but we were brought together simply to have her!

leiat

I did not choose an open donor but could say the same thing. I have his pic and could show it.

nbailey

Ya, really just because he is open donor now doesn't mean he will not change his mind in 18 years. I would research his availability before even mentioning it. I know it will be hard to explain but I just have to be sure that our lives are so full it won't matter all that much ( in other words she won't have to "search" her self to find who she is, etc. We will just do a lot , learn a lot, travel, etc so that her life is full. It is also very important for me to have her sib with the same donor so at least they will have each other!