Choosing ethnicity other than your own

DutchTulip

Hi all,

I don't know if this has been discussed in the past, but I just replied on another thread about choosing a donor based on the person he seems to be rather than his ethnicity per se.

I'm curious to get some thoughts on this to find out if others are dealing/have dealt with similar issues along the way.

In brief: I'm Caucasian, but as I've never dated a Caucasian guy in my life I'm not inclined to pick a Caucasian donor per se. The donors that I have picked are mostly either mixed or not Caucasian at all. For instance, the El Salvadorian/Palestinian donor (11481) or the African American/African American mixed Caucasian donor (11255) are high on my list for what they've written in their essays and long profiles.

I know this is different for everyone, but I'd like to look at the process of choosing a donor (am doing this as a single mom by choice) the way I live my life...I surround myself with people based on their beliefs, interests and attitudes, not the way they look or what ethnicity they have.

However, in my decision to become a mom I want to put the interest of the child(ren) before my own as much as I can. I'm just wondering if I'm setting up a child for a more difficult time by having ancestry that's not mine, the only parent known to him/her. After all, it's not about me but about the child who'll grow into a teenager and adult dealing with identity, etc.

I'm planning on being open from the start about how the child has come into this world, and part of that is being able to honestly tell him/her that I liked their donor dad from what I knew about him, i.e. his interests, his outlook on life and the answer he gave to the question in the essay of why he participates in the CCB program. Ethnicity really came down the list.

Any thoughts let's discuss...it would be so helpful in this very daunting process. I've only just started looking at donors, and my head is spinning already...I've actually just created an excel document to get all the info in order!

DT

vegaschic

I say follow where your heart wants to go. I've had the SAME thoughts. I'm caucasian and I do date caucasian guys, but I also date other races.

My last BF was asian. I thought about going with a mixed race. I really liked two donors, one of which was half African American and half white and the other was half Asian. I actually started out my search looking for 'mixed' races. I'm a well traveled person and very diverse in my thoughts and lifestyle.

I am a single mom too, but I have a 21 month old caucasian son. So, I have decided to go with a caucasian donor so I can "blend" my family more... but I'm still wondering if that is the "right" choice just because of the "need" or "want" to "blend". But I have was seriously considering choosing a donor of another (or actually mixed race). I think, for me, if it wasn't for the fact that I already had a caucasian son, I would probably lean toward a mixed donor.

I don't think you would be setting up a future child with any additional struggles if you chose a different race. Becauuse, after all, HALF is YOU. To me, its the same as me choosing a caucasian donor. My child will still not "know" the "other half" of him/her no matter which race I chose his father to be. And as long as you are open to teaching your child(ren) about both races (or all) the races that he/she is, then I don't see any difference.

I'm part Italian and part Polish and part of a lot of other things. My family practiced more Italian and Polish traditions, so thats what I learned growing up. But I'm such a mix of races myself (like most caucasians are) that I don't see much difference. And I don't know that I will pass all those family traditions on to my children, anyway. I'm up for making "our own" "new" family traditions that have NOTHING to do with race, creed, etc....

Those are MY thoughts.... I hope others put in their thoughts too! =)

crASHed

Hello,

It is not an easy question. Personally, I think ethnicity will eventually matter to children and life will probably be easier if they have someone around who shares their ethnicity. This does not necessary have to be you, it could also be your best friends, or relatives, in-laws, or someone else who is close to you.

My spouse is Haitian, I am German, so we chose a German donor for her and will choose a Haitian donor for me, because this is what we would create together, if we biologically could do so. We have talked about the question of ethnicity and we both decided that we personally, would not want to choose a donor that has an ethnicity or religion (Jewish) where we could not provide close personal examples for the children.

On the other hand, we also really liked the donors we chose, so I do not know what we would have done if we did not like all the donors that would fit our ethnicity/religion requirements.

In the end, as long as you are not shy about introducing and educating your child/ren about the part of their heritage that you personally do not share, they should be fine.

Arkmom

I too considered choosing donors of other ethnicities at first. My personal life was also such that if I had had children "the old fashioned way" they might have been of almost any race. What really decided it for me was that, since my son might never really know his biological father and would certainly not know him growing up, blending well with the rest of my family might help support his sense of belonging and identity.

I will also confess to two conflicting and somewhat irrational feelings on the subject. One was that it would be wrong to discriminate between donors on the basis of race. The other was that the idea of BUYING African genetic material given the history of the last five hundred years just seemed creepy to me. Ultimately, the second feeling probably influenced me more than the first. I couldn't really picture my white son complaining that I unfairly discriminated in usung a white donor. I could well imagine my back son feeling conflicted over the idea that half of him was bought and sold. Rationally, there is little to no simmilarity between sperm donoation and race based chattle slavery. But I felt that if I could be bothered by irrational negative feelings on the subject, my child might be bothered too.

CSS

I'm white (Jewish) and my husband is black, so I chose an African-American donor in order, obviously, to mimic our coupling. I haven't been able to try it yet because my cycle's gone haywire, but that's another story.

I'm very pleased with my decision and I look forward to raising a biracial child. It's a little easier in my case because my child will have a father and family members that are of the same (half, anyway) ethnicity, but it will still be, literally, a mixed bag. We're also considering adopting an African-American child down the line should we decide for a second time around.

At the end of the day, it's about providing a loving, nurturing, healthy home, not you or your child's skin color. There are many examples of, for instance, gay male couples adopting African-American babies (sometimes that are HIV positive) and I think that's a beautiful thing. And if it jibes with your personal life and preferences (i.e. who you've dated) to choose a donor of another ethnicity, I say go for it. Just be prepared for, as another commentator aptly put it, "introducing and educating your child/ren about the part of their heritage that you personally do not share."

In response to Arkmom's comment, I respect your feelings on the matter, but I think equating choosing a sperm donor with slavery is a major stretch and I seriously doubt any African-American child would ever come to that conclusion. Why create guilt where none is necessary?

As far as discriminating in choosing a sperm donor, we all do that to some degree or another throughout this process (i.e is the guy short or tall, blond or brunette, stocky or lean, good looking or average, etc, etc), so I see race as just another factor.

No need to overanalyze. Go with your gut.

--CSS

sagemyrrh

Dear Dutch Tulip,

I, too, am Caucasian and have a similar open attitude toward ethnicity. I, too, have dated other races. And in fact, I just bought 11255, because he is African-American and met all the other criteria I was looking for in a donor. My partner is female and African-American, but at this point in my life, I probably would've chosen 11255 or one like him for the same reasons you are considering him even if I were alone.

I agree with some of the other responders that it's a good idea to find someone within whom the child can confide and/or ask questions about his/her race that you do not fully know yourself....when the time comes. I think every day, this world is a more blended place. And even though bigotry is alive and well in some people, it is slowly losing it's place in society. After all, we are now a global economy and therefore we will mix more than ever.

I agree with vegaschic. Follow your heart. I followed mine and I'm having a personal life better than I dreamed. You can, too. Your heart knows the way.

Now, about Excel spreadsheet. That's something my partner would do, too. In fact, she researched 5 sperm banks across the country and might still be researching except that I had my egg extraction procedure today and the sperm had to be delivered yesterday. So, we were forced to make a quick decision, but it's ok and it will be for you, too. Just envision the beautiful child you want to welcome and you'll find the right donor for you. And if you can't envision the child, you'll still find the right donor...because you need to follow your heart not your mind. Your heart is fine with all the choices, because it doesn't count...it just needs one. It's your mind that has to categorize and try to deductively decide who is best. Your heart wins in this matter. If the spreadsheet helps, go for it....but in the end follow your heart.

My best,
Sage

nypdjen

I'm half Irish and half black, mostly raised by my Irish mom. My mother could be green for all I care, your mom is your mom and thats all that matters.

canucci

I wholly support interracial children. They are more genetically diverse (which in my mind means healthier, less racially inbred), and they are often the most beautiful children and adults.

I think this diversity is a kind of gift to the world. There will be some difficulties, yes, but nothing great or worthwhile was ever easy...

On my end, we're both white, using an Asian donor that is a mix of two different Asian races/nationalities.

kalli007

I am white and my SO is AA, so I will be using an AA donor. Luckily my family is ultra liberal and non judgmental so our family is a mix of everything - black, white, hispanic, gay, straight, biker, cowboy, yuppy etc......everyone is welcome!

kalli007

I also read an interesting study last week about bi/multi racial children, which stated that they actually tend to be more well adjusted than their single race counterparts. This was attributed to the parents going above and beyond because they knew the prejudices and problems the kids might encounter in life due to their racial makeup.

Sharggy

This thread has been ignored for quite a while, but I am a single AA woman who has always been attracted to men outside of my own race. I will be choosing a donor in accordance to my preferences, and who would be copulating with if I were doing this "naturally".

If you have ANY doubts whatsoever, then I suppose it's best to "play it safe".

Otherwise, do what's important for you. :)

Cameal

I'm Puerto Rican. If anyone knows anything about Puerto Rican's is that we are basically a melting pot of ethnicities.

As far as I found out I'm Puerto Rican of Boriqua (indigenous Indian of Puerto Rico), french, and black descent. My complexion is olive to white (I feel like a chameleon).

I've dated Puerto Rican, Black, and Caucasian, half breed (black and white)but open to where love takes me.

Point is I am proud of my heritage but between my mother and next door's neighbor's 3 year old kid I found because they are darker skin they have their own complexes.

I would have whatever child under the normal circumstances of the partner I chose. I would have preferred a Puerto Rican donor (they are too egotistical to donate without the pleasure), but there are none and not to my liking.

I chose what was closer to my complexion amongst other more pertinent factors: Open donor. I almost chose an Asian donor that was open but other factors overrode the decision.

rebecca191

For me, it was important to have a donor who was the same race as me (white), but the reasons I had wouldn't apply to everyone. I live in a really non-diverse area and expect to live here the entirety of my future child's childhood. The zoned elementary school is well over 90% white. In this area, my child will already stand out from having a single mother and I don't want her/him to stand out even more. I also want my child to look like myself and my family since we are the only family my child will have and we aren't diverse either.

BaileyJM07

I am mixed race, my wife is white. She has two children that are also white from a previous relationship. They are all medium to darker skin toned white. It was actually she that decided that we should use a mixed race donor so that I would not be the only brown one in the family. The donor we chose is on the lighter side, as am I, and being mixed race anyhow, the child will look like it could and does belong to either one us.