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To Tell or Not to Tell
Brownbomber3
Posts: 5
I was just wondering what those of you who are using donor sperm plan to do in regards to telling your children. That is one of the hardest parts for me. I just wonder if we should tell and if we should, how/when we do it. Then I think maybe it will just be too hurtful for the child to find out but then it will be like we were living a lie. Anyway, as you can see, I'm really confused on what to do. Any insight as to what you are doing would be really great.
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My husband & I have discussed this a lot and went from not telling to telling, even before I posted this. I still struggle with it because I don't want them to feel like they don't know who they really are. I watched an episode that Oprah did and some of these children said they felt like they were robbed of knowing their biological father and the history that comes with that. Some were just completely devastated and when I saw that, my heart just broke for them. I just want to make sure that whatever we do is the best possible decision for all of us.
But if when I get pregnant with a donor and I dont eventually get married then I would tell my child. Specially if its an open donor where my child could have the possibility of metting the donor. But If later in life I meet a man and get married and my child grows up with a father then I dont see a reason why my child should that its been donor conceived.
Telling your child that they are donor conceived is not about denying that the man who loves and raises her is her father, its about helping her understand where she comes from. This is no different than an adopted child knowing they are adopted. I understand why someone for whom private, painful issued of male infertility are involved would have trouble with the idea of telling their children. I don't understand why a child who has a father by choice come into her life at a year or two or three years old should be told a completely false history of how the family began, complete I suppose with back-dated aniversaries and questions about why daddy is not in any of the pictures at her first birthday party? That seems like an inveitable lead up to untimely revelations and hurt felings.
Its not about lying to the child, I wouldnt do that, its about just not getting into specifics about the whole situation. Well actually, if I was to get married when my child was like 1, 2 or 3(like u mentioned) probably my child would know that he/she is not the biological child of my husband but I wouldnt explain to my child that I got pregnant with him/her using a sperm donor from a sperm bank, ect. That´s to much information that I personally feel shouldnt be reveled.
On the other hand, I feel that when it comes to a marriage that uses a sperm donor that it shouldnt tell its offspring cause if the father/husband is already in the picture prior to the child being conceived then the parents shouldnt tell the child. There´s no need to since daddy/husband is already in the picture beforehand..But then again, its a personal choice and people are gonna do what they want to do, what they think is right for them.
I am in the situation where I am a happily married woman and due to a genetic disorder we have elected to use donor sperm. He could have a very costly procedure that would have minimal chances of being successfull and a male offsrping would almost definitely have the same issues. I will absolutely not be telling our offspring should I be lucky enough to become prego (I am in the 2ww for my 4th IUI). If and when we have to deal with a serious illness I will worry about it then and with modern medicine it will most likely never be an issue. I think it is silly to worry about what if's for example what if I get hit by a car tomorrow. We have no itention of telling and after speaking with a genetics counselor it is totally a personal choice and the issues of future illness should not come into play when making a decision. As a matter of fact there would be more issues to discuss if we elected to perform a procedure using my husbands sperm.
So Butterfly follow your heart but consider giving love a chance and you never know you may not have to use donor. Your special someone is out there somewhere.
Good luck to everyone. Remember to trust your instincts because a womans intuition is a fabulous thing and respect other decisions.
I think you are making the right decisions. I wish you much luck. Much baby dust to you. and yeah there´s no need to stress out about stuff cause everything will work out great for you and your child will be healthy. Gotta keep positive!
As for me-I will consider giving love a chance, keep my options open for later on. Although I have already bought several vials so I´m defintely doing this!! :) I am already mom to a 6 yr old daughter and cant wait to use em and have another child! :)
MamaLaura, basically yes.
I wish you much success in your endeavors to create a child for your daughter. I think it is great that you are electing to follow your instincts and move forward. How long until your insem?
Thank you for yous support. I am in the 2WW...keep your fingers crossed!
Do you actually think that because you don't tell, your child won't ask? That doesn't seem like much of a plan. If you are not going to tell the truth and you are not going to lie, what are you going to say? I don't mean to be intrusive. What you tell your child is certainly your business and your child's, not mine, but I really don't think you have thought this out. If a child knows that Dad is not her biological father, where exactly is the harm in letting her know that her biological parent is a donor rather than a deadbeat? Why wouldn't you want her to know that she was planned and wanted? I get why some couples don't tell, but I really just don't understand why a single mother wouldn't. It seems like hiding importan information for no reason.
Arkmom
First of all, what I do is my business and mine only. Who are you to judge people? And YES you are being very intrusive. I am not gonna argue with you(it seems thats what you want). Neither am I gonna explain myself again. I already said everything I was gonna say. Good bye.
Although, we were extremely nervous and didn't know what to expect. She gave us a lot of incite as to tell our child or not. At first we weren't going to tell our child, but she explained to us that if it was to accidentally come out when the child was old enough to understand, they may become rebellious and other problems could arise.
She had suggested that we explain where babies come from and daddies sperm was broken so a nice man donated his sperm so we could create them (child).
I have seen on some websites, not sure which ones. But there are books out for the children to comprehend the situation.
I wish you all the best.
Baby dust.
Looking at my last message again, I believe I have overstepped my bounds, and I appoligise. My intent was not to judge your decision but to try to understand it. Obviously we simply see things differently and there is no more to be gained by this discussion. I wish you and your family all the best.
Arkmom
I just read some answer CCB admin email, which said that only 10% donor children want to know their biological father. An interesting facts...:).
To tell or not to tell your kis about their genetic inheritance, to me is not matter and not important. I always want my kids to be well grounded, find the interesting father characteristics from my bro (I have only one Brother), b/c I'm a single mom.
I always believe that the kids will look up to us first. So we,ourself, have to be confident, happy, and open with all aspects of life.
We should use our instincts to tell kids the story of their birth that makes them proud since they are toddlers. I want kids to keep in their heart the positive aspects of life no matter whatever negative things will come to their life later.
I always want to tell my kids that their father is a good man, eventhough he is not with me, he always thinks about my kids. one day, when my kids grow up, they will meet their fathers...:).