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64436443 Posts: 1
in Single Mothers by Choice
I am a very private person. Lets say I went through with this and had a child. I wouldn't want anyone to know how I came to have the child. I don't think I would want the child to know either. Is this a horrible thing to keep secret? Would keeping this a secret cause more harm than good?

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    cryo-admincryo-admin Posts: 4,536
    Hi 6 -

    While it's your choice to make, many professional organizations that are involved with donor conception (including mental health professionals), advocate for disclosing to a child that they were conceived with the help of a donor.

    California Cryobank has been around for 40 years and over the years we have seen a shift in openness and acceptance regarding donor conception. What was once a taboo topic is now openly discussed and easily seen in Hollywood movies, documentaries, and even MTV.

    There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. It's one thing to keep personal matters private and not tell your neighbors how your child was conceived, but it's different to keep your child's origins a secret from your own child. Keeping donor conception a secret makes it seem like it's a negative, shameful thing. Our clients often describe their child's origin as coming from a place of deep love. In this video, our client Sarah talks about how she will explain it to her child: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUuEHS8Xoqo

    Here are a few things to think about: Do you think your future child has the right to know how he/she was conceived? Does your child have the right to know his/her own family medical history and genetic information that may aid in the prevention or management of their health? If there is no male parental figure, what will you tell your child when he/she asks about his/her biological father? How will your child feel towards you if he/she discovers the secret of their conception from someone else? If you were donor-conceived, would you want to know the truth about your biological parents and that you have half-siblings that you could potentially connect with?

    Mental health professionals say that being open and honest with your child about their donor conception helps build a trusting and secure relationship with your child. Most studies and surveys show that the earlier you talk to your child about their donor conception, the better. The story of their conception will be normal to them because it’s all they know. It’s not something that’s a one-time conversation but dialog that will continue as they grow and ask more specific questions. Donor-conceived children that find out in their teen years (or by accident) that they were donor conceived may feel betrayed and let down by their parent(s).

    We offer many pieces of information on each donor because donor-conceived people may want to know more about their family medical history and where some of their traits came from. While it’s up to you to decide what information you will share with your child, it’s important to remember that one day your baby will grow up to be teenager trying to figure out his/her identity and then he/she will become an adult who may have to make important decisions about marriage, health, and having children of his/her own.

    You may want to check out the Choice Moms organization. It offers great resources and support for women that choose to have children through donor insemination or adoption: http://www.choicemoms.org/

    Regards,

    Nicole
    CCB
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