41 and wanting to start over
emh54701
Posts: 3
So I really don't know where to begin other then the basics, so hi all I'm emh54701 and I am the mother of three grown daughters ages 21, 19, and 19 (my younger two are twins). I had my older three the traditional way and my twins were concieved naturally I've never done anything like this. My oldest had her first and so far only child at 19 (I was 39) which I find ironic as I was the same age when I had her and turned 20 a month later.
My pregencay with my twins was high risk cause twins. It kind of freaked me and my now ex-husband out and he was supposed to get snipped but I was pressured into it instead...btw there's a reason he's an ex on top of that too but I digress. Once I became a single mom to my kids when they were younger I realized I didn't need a man to help me raise my kids, was it nice when I did have one around sure but having the constant harassing phone calls and being reminded I couldn't give anyyone I dated and possibly marry a family by my ex husband I became devestated that my time as a mother would be over sooner rather than later.
It took a few other relationships that didn't work for one reason or another to start looking into IVF and sperm donation. I wouldn't be able to do IUI or even a reversal due to the fact that my tubes were 90% scared when I was 22 and I'm now 41. Yet I feel very selfish for wanting to start over and question if I'm doing this for the right reasons. I also had to wonder if others out there in similar situations felt the same so I wanted to start this discussion to see what everyone thought and if anyone has been through a similar mindset like myself.
Thanks for listening and understanding.
Comments
I think you forgot how expensive and exhausting being a mom is… I totally get your baby fever and I would take full advantage of that grand baby to fill that void…. I’m not judging you but I’m currently doing the single mom with a 10 year old and a 5 year old at 44 and holy crap it’s no walk in the park…. Everyday I bitch at myself for not doing this in my 20’s ….. I’m sorry maybe I should of kept my opinion to myself (I love my kids and I’m grateful for all of it even the hard times)
Oh no you are fine. Where as my granddaughter does fill a void and also reminds of how expensive little kids are. There's a part of me that feels like I missed out too. Not so much baby fever, however a big part of this is due to two abusive ex's who used parenthood as a way to keep me "in line". With my ex-husband I allowed him to gaslight me into a very invasive procedure I really didn't want to do, which was tubal ligation. I knew I didn't want any more kids but the truth of the matter even then it was kind of a lie. I didn't want to have anymore with him. My choice was get the surgery or get hit so I got the surgery. He used that over me for years when I would be interested in anyone else but him after our divorce. My ex fiance used it as a way to string .me along cause "once we got married" we were gonna start ivf treatment, etc. Blend our family. Just all the lies so he could be a leach instead of a partner. Both left me feeling robbed I guess you can say. Now that I'm in a better place mentally and have stability my emotional brain has well calmed way the hell down and the more logical side has come out, like yea this can be done, you don't need a man to do this, or you can buy a house instead. Thankfully I haven't had thoughts like this time I'll do it right cause Gods knows each child is different and unique in their own way. As we progress in life our mental health, situations, and priorities change. Starting over for me personally is the want to be able to well I really don't know to be honest. Just something I know I want to do.
Hi! I am not in a similar situation but I just wanted to show my support. I think 41 is not too old to have a child. If you think that you can emotionally and mentally do it and your desire is as you say why not? Whatever you decide do what makes you happy! You do not need a man or a partner to have a child and you may provide a happier home to a child than one with a two parent home. Happy Thanksgiving! @emh54701
Thank you 2mujeres1bebé
I’m new to this process. I’m also 41 years old and never have been married. Never found the right person. All I have ever wanted is to have a child! I’m scared because of the financial responsibility but I feel that I would regret my life if I did not pursue my dream of motherhood. I am a nurse and would be a single mom by choice. I support all those wanting to be a mother. I’m hoping and praying that things will all work out financially with support from loved ones. I hope everything also works out for you too!
I'll be 42 this summer and most of my relatives stopped having their multiple kids by 46. I'm not too worried about fertility yet, but I have only one child 18 in 1.5 years. Her father was my abuser and used all of his visits to turn my child and step kids away from me. I don't want to risk getting in another relationship. I don't have time. I don't want to retire without kids and family around. Anyone have any experience filling this void after abuse? I plan to spend my time parenting and studying relationships and family planning to dissolve any remaining habits that could attract any future abusers or to avoid accidentally not preparing any future children for. Just wondering if anyone else has accomplished this successfully? I just couldn't bare if this was another mistake. But so far this seems the least expensive than being locked in court for another 18 years with a horrible ex.
By the way girls I've done the math, this is cheaper vs multiple court costs...for divorce mediation and court. If you aren't finding men equal to or making way more than you than this is safer. Harvard review just put out a letter stating it even puts us at higher risk for violence.
https://hbr.org/2022/01/stop-telling-working-women-they-just-need-an-equal-partnership-at-home
Your next search should be your states divorce mediation & court costs...
I had other single mom friends who who's father's skipped town basically and never received a penny and their budgets always were healthier than mine.
I always had to make up for my extra loss of work due to child needs caused by conflict and it even seemed like the community was more open to helping someone who didn't have someone who should have been helping....
Don't worry about doing it by yourself ladies. It's actually cheaper and if the significant other options aren't good fathers with good intentions long term for you than this might be safer.
Good luck to everyone on their parenting journey!
Im 44 and trying for my first.