encouragement
gwiley21@yahoo.com
Posts: 35
hey everyone,
thank you for sharing your stories. i don't read them religiously because honestly it is hard for me to read all of the success stories. i know that sounds selfish, but if you've had trouble getting pregnant, you know how it feels to hear success story after success story when you've experienced nothing but failure and disappoitment. i do not wish infertility upon anyone, but it is nice to read about other women that are having as much trouble as i am getting pregnant...only because it's nice to know i am not alone.
i've posted on here before, but i've never really shared my story. and, if sharing my story will help any of you in any way, then i'm happy i decided to share.
i am 28. there is not a single case of infertility in my family that i know about. i have been trying to get pregnant since June of 2007. my girlfriend and i did our first insemination on clomid with 3 follicles and were unsuccessful. the month after that i had a cyst and was not able to take clomid so i tried on a natural cycle and was not successful. so, my doctor figured we'd better do a laparoscopy and take a look just in case something was holding me back from getting pregnant. at the same time i had the laparoscopy, i also had a hysteroscopy and HSG scan. i was lucky enough to be asleep for all of it.
i went into surgery thinking they would find nothing and came out of surgery diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis and 4 uterine polyps. great. but, that was the point of the surgery and now i was in much better shape to get pregnant. my tubes were clear. that was in august of 07. the most optimal time to try to get pregnant is the first 6 months to a year after a laparoscopy, and i took clomid the next month. apparently i over-stimulate easily because 100mg of clomid for 5 days produced at least 6 mature follicles. i would have gone ahead and inseminated, but my doctor said it wasn't safe. so, i had to skip that month and was devastated. i was so off my rocker from the fertility drugs and disappointment and stress of it all that i was sending my relationship to the toilet. so, my girlfriend and i decided to take a few months off because we were going to break up if we didn't. we took off from september to january (2008). that means that we were taking a break during the time that was most optimal to get pregnant. fabulous.
we tried again in january and i cut the clomid way down. i over-stimulated again with at aleast 6 follicles and was not allowed to try that month either. that was so horrible! i couldn't believe this was happening to me. the next month, as i always do, i had cysts due to the fertility drugs. i'm hyper-cystic anyway. i always have at least one cyst, but sometimes it's small enough to not make a difference.
to cut the story down a bit because it's already too long....i have tried a total of 8 IUIs. on the 7th IUI, i got pregnant. it was the most exciting, most exhilerating feeling i've ever had. i took test after test after test and they were all positive...except for one. the next day after getting a positive on a digital the day before, i got a negative on a digital. it was so weird and my heart sunk to the floor. at that moment i knew something was wrong. it was. i went to get my blood drawn on day 26 i think, which was early i know, but i was going crazy. my HCG came back a 13. i knew that was bad. i knew it needed to be at least a 25. 2 days later it was a 10. i had a chemical pregnancy. BUT, that chemical pregnancy was more success than i had ever had, and after i got over the hurt, that chemical pregnancy is what gave me the hope i needed to keep trying.
a lot of people have asked me why i didn't do IVF sooner. good question. i guess now that i look back on it i should have, because i'd have a baby by now or at least be pregnant. but, my girlfriend was a bit worried about the finacial situation of it all and wanted to keep trying IUI. she and i have had a rough time since we started this. it's hard for her to understand what i am going thru even though i know she is going thru her own experience too.
after the chemical pregnancy, i tried one last IUI using a drug called Femara (sp?). Also known as Letrozole. It's similar to clomid but it doesn't stay in your system as long. i had already taken clomid 10 times. the recommended amount of times is 6.
because i knew that i over-stimulate easily, i took a very low dose of femara. mistake. it didn't do a damn thing. i had one follicle. i was so upset. but, we inseminated anyway. it was unsuccessful. my girlfriend asked me to try FIVE more IUIs. I said no. I was done. Until then, I hadn't given up on IUIs. I hadn't hit my breaking point. But, after that last one...I was done. My girlfriend was not happy. she told me i wasn't being patient. i almost cut her boobs off. i couldn't BELIEVE she actually said that to me after everything i had gone thru. patience? oh i was the poster child of patience sister! oh no you di-ent!!!! she changed her tone really quickly after she witnessed my reaction to that comment. wow.
it was time for IVF. i went in for my consulatation and of course i had a cyst and couldn't start the process for another month. so i went on birth control for a month. i went back to the dr. at the end of december and still had a cyst. but apparently this time it was ok. i stayed on bc and started lupron on jan 4th. i did 10 days of lupron and then went back this past wednesday for a sonogram to see if i'm ready to move forward with the stims. of course, i knew going into that appt. that i had a cyst. i could feel it. i know my body very well and a lot of people kept telling me it couldn't possibly be a cyst since i had been on so much bc and lupron. but i did. i had 2 cysts. the doc said if my bloodwork comes back and shows my e2 levels (estrogen) below a 60, then the cysts were not an issue. but, if the cysts are producing hormones, then they will prevent other follicles from growing when i start the stims and i would have to be on lupron for an extra week. of course, my estrogen level wasn't where it needed to be. my estrogen level was in the 500's. nice. more roadblocks. more disappoitments. more time for me to have to be "patient." UGH! i was so upset. i also think the lupron just started kicking in at that time, so i wanted to punch anyone that said, "Oh Ginny, it's just another week." or, "It'll happen for you. Your time is coming." i didn't want to hear that at all!
mostly though, i was mad at god. i am a religious person and have never felt so abandoned by god in my life. i serously feel like he isn't listening. i am struggling with my faith like never before. He said he would not forsake me. he said ask and you shall receive. i know, i know...oh His time right? yeah, yeah, yeah. i've heard that before too.
i went out to dinner last night with 2 friends. one of them is straight but had to do IUI because something was wrong w her husband's sperm. she got pregnant on the first try and her son is one now. she brought a baby book of pics for us to look thru and at the end of the pics, which were in chronological order, was a sonogram pic of a very young fetus. she's pregnant again. no fertility treatments this time. i wanted to run far far away. dear lord, make me a bird so i can fly far, far far away from here. i felt like jenny from forest gump. i wanted to be happy for her but i just couldn't be. i faked it.
so here i am today on my third extra night of lupron. i go next wed for sono and blood work again to see if i've made any progress with getting this estorgen out of my system. i'm not in the mood to be positive or have a good attitude so i am pretty sure the cyst will still be there and my bloodwork will come back unsatisfactory. if that happens, guess what...another week of lupron. it's just so frustrating when it's delay after delay. i just can't quite get to where i need to be.
anyway, thank you all again for sharing your stories. i am going to spend some time this weekend and read some of them. if you can offer some hope and/or encouragement, that would be really helpful. i need some.
best of luck to you all,
ginny
thank you for sharing your stories. i don't read them religiously because honestly it is hard for me to read all of the success stories. i know that sounds selfish, but if you've had trouble getting pregnant, you know how it feels to hear success story after success story when you've experienced nothing but failure and disappoitment. i do not wish infertility upon anyone, but it is nice to read about other women that are having as much trouble as i am getting pregnant...only because it's nice to know i am not alone.
i've posted on here before, but i've never really shared my story. and, if sharing my story will help any of you in any way, then i'm happy i decided to share.
i am 28. there is not a single case of infertility in my family that i know about. i have been trying to get pregnant since June of 2007. my girlfriend and i did our first insemination on clomid with 3 follicles and were unsuccessful. the month after that i had a cyst and was not able to take clomid so i tried on a natural cycle and was not successful. so, my doctor figured we'd better do a laparoscopy and take a look just in case something was holding me back from getting pregnant. at the same time i had the laparoscopy, i also had a hysteroscopy and HSG scan. i was lucky enough to be asleep for all of it.
i went into surgery thinking they would find nothing and came out of surgery diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis and 4 uterine polyps. great. but, that was the point of the surgery and now i was in much better shape to get pregnant. my tubes were clear. that was in august of 07. the most optimal time to try to get pregnant is the first 6 months to a year after a laparoscopy, and i took clomid the next month. apparently i over-stimulate easily because 100mg of clomid for 5 days produced at least 6 mature follicles. i would have gone ahead and inseminated, but my doctor said it wasn't safe. so, i had to skip that month and was devastated. i was so off my rocker from the fertility drugs and disappointment and stress of it all that i was sending my relationship to the toilet. so, my girlfriend and i decided to take a few months off because we were going to break up if we didn't. we took off from september to january (2008). that means that we were taking a break during the time that was most optimal to get pregnant. fabulous.
we tried again in january and i cut the clomid way down. i over-stimulated again with at aleast 6 follicles and was not allowed to try that month either. that was so horrible! i couldn't believe this was happening to me. the next month, as i always do, i had cysts due to the fertility drugs. i'm hyper-cystic anyway. i always have at least one cyst, but sometimes it's small enough to not make a difference.
to cut the story down a bit because it's already too long....i have tried a total of 8 IUIs. on the 7th IUI, i got pregnant. it was the most exciting, most exhilerating feeling i've ever had. i took test after test after test and they were all positive...except for one. the next day after getting a positive on a digital the day before, i got a negative on a digital. it was so weird and my heart sunk to the floor. at that moment i knew something was wrong. it was. i went to get my blood drawn on day 26 i think, which was early i know, but i was going crazy. my HCG came back a 13. i knew that was bad. i knew it needed to be at least a 25. 2 days later it was a 10. i had a chemical pregnancy. BUT, that chemical pregnancy was more success than i had ever had, and after i got over the hurt, that chemical pregnancy is what gave me the hope i needed to keep trying.
a lot of people have asked me why i didn't do IVF sooner. good question. i guess now that i look back on it i should have, because i'd have a baby by now or at least be pregnant. but, my girlfriend was a bit worried about the finacial situation of it all and wanted to keep trying IUI. she and i have had a rough time since we started this. it's hard for her to understand what i am going thru even though i know she is going thru her own experience too.
after the chemical pregnancy, i tried one last IUI using a drug called Femara (sp?). Also known as Letrozole. It's similar to clomid but it doesn't stay in your system as long. i had already taken clomid 10 times. the recommended amount of times is 6.
because i knew that i over-stimulate easily, i took a very low dose of femara. mistake. it didn't do a damn thing. i had one follicle. i was so upset. but, we inseminated anyway. it was unsuccessful. my girlfriend asked me to try FIVE more IUIs. I said no. I was done. Until then, I hadn't given up on IUIs. I hadn't hit my breaking point. But, after that last one...I was done. My girlfriend was not happy. she told me i wasn't being patient. i almost cut her boobs off. i couldn't BELIEVE she actually said that to me after everything i had gone thru. patience? oh i was the poster child of patience sister! oh no you di-ent!!!! she changed her tone really quickly after she witnessed my reaction to that comment. wow.
it was time for IVF. i went in for my consulatation and of course i had a cyst and couldn't start the process for another month. so i went on birth control for a month. i went back to the dr. at the end of december and still had a cyst. but apparently this time it was ok. i stayed on bc and started lupron on jan 4th. i did 10 days of lupron and then went back this past wednesday for a sonogram to see if i'm ready to move forward with the stims. of course, i knew going into that appt. that i had a cyst. i could feel it. i know my body very well and a lot of people kept telling me it couldn't possibly be a cyst since i had been on so much bc and lupron. but i did. i had 2 cysts. the doc said if my bloodwork comes back and shows my e2 levels (estrogen) below a 60, then the cysts were not an issue. but, if the cysts are producing hormones, then they will prevent other follicles from growing when i start the stims and i would have to be on lupron for an extra week. of course, my estrogen level wasn't where it needed to be. my estrogen level was in the 500's. nice. more roadblocks. more disappoitments. more time for me to have to be "patient." UGH! i was so upset. i also think the lupron just started kicking in at that time, so i wanted to punch anyone that said, "Oh Ginny, it's just another week." or, "It'll happen for you. Your time is coming." i didn't want to hear that at all!
mostly though, i was mad at god. i am a religious person and have never felt so abandoned by god in my life. i serously feel like he isn't listening. i am struggling with my faith like never before. He said he would not forsake me. he said ask and you shall receive. i know, i know...oh His time right? yeah, yeah, yeah. i've heard that before too.
i went out to dinner last night with 2 friends. one of them is straight but had to do IUI because something was wrong w her husband's sperm. she got pregnant on the first try and her son is one now. she brought a baby book of pics for us to look thru and at the end of the pics, which were in chronological order, was a sonogram pic of a very young fetus. she's pregnant again. no fertility treatments this time. i wanted to run far far away. dear lord, make me a bird so i can fly far, far far away from here. i felt like jenny from forest gump. i wanted to be happy for her but i just couldn't be. i faked it.
so here i am today on my third extra night of lupron. i go next wed for sono and blood work again to see if i've made any progress with getting this estorgen out of my system. i'm not in the mood to be positive or have a good attitude so i am pretty sure the cyst will still be there and my bloodwork will come back unsatisfactory. if that happens, guess what...another week of lupron. it's just so frustrating when it's delay after delay. i just can't quite get to where i need to be.
anyway, thank you all again for sharing your stories. i am going to spend some time this weekend and read some of them. if you can offer some hope and/or encouragement, that would be really helpful. i need some.
best of luck to you all,
ginny
0
Comments
Keep your chin up, it will happen. We are on number 3 and waiting results. I know it is hard but the outcome is worth the wait
KIMO16
I agree with KimO16 - this will all be worth it one day... At least that is what I keep telling myself to make it through this with my sanity.
I'm on IUI #8, currently in another TWW. I had a revelation this morning on the drive to work that I have been in a TWW for a total of 14-15 weeks over the past several months!! Whoa!
I also had a cyst one month & had to sit it out. That was very hard when all you want to do is move forward. I sympathize with your long waits... the months "off" are the hardest!
While my partner is very supportive and is as excited about this process as I am, I don't think she feels the "lows" as hard as I do. She says that she just deals with it differently, but I don't know... If it's not your body going through it, do you really "get it"?
I can't really say anything you haven't heard before, but your dedication and endurance is admirable.
Kimberly
Thsnk you so much for sharing your journey with us, I feel your frustration. I am on #6 but have to remain optimistic so that I don't go insane! Know though that your feelings are normal for what we are going through and you are not alone. Here is my email if you need mundiana@gmail.com
Diana
kimberly, that is crazy to think of the TWW in those terms. man, we have done a lot of waiting huh? sucky. yes, the sitting out part is very, very hard. i see it as a missed opportunity. my partner is supportive, but she's just the way she is and she's a little different than the average bear. and i agree...i don't think she really "gets it." thank you for your response. i know you've probably heard everything i've heard. good luck to you. YOU are admirable for your dedication as well.
diana, yes, i try to stay optimistic but it's like i hit a wall. i did so well for so long staying positive. i do think that my attitude has changed because of the lupron injection i'm taking. one of the side effects is that your head spins like linda blair on the exorsist. thanks for the e-mail. mine is gwiley21@yahoo.com.
this forum should be meant to lift spirits, so i'm sorry if i'm being debbie downer. i just know that if anyone would understand what i'm going thru it would be you girls on this site. good luck to all of you. i know it'll happen someday for all of us. i just have to take it day by day you know...?
ginny
No apology necessary, who doesn't love Debbie Downer, she's great! ;o)
You are going to be alright, believe that!
D