Child's feelings about only having a mother
jks12345
Posts: 4
Hi -
I am a 40 yr old female who is tired of wanting for the right man to come along. I've always wanted to be a mother and now i am considering using donor sperm. I am having trouble wrapping my head around intentional bringing a child into this world who won't have a father.
Are there single mother's out there that now have slightly old children via donor sperm? How does the child feel? Are they angry or sad about not having a father?
Does anyone know if there are any resources out there on this topic? support groups, readings, other boards?
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Thanks for posting this question. I’m 39 and just did my second round of IUI and tested positive this week. All those confusing feelings about the “father” came back and I still don’t have an answer other than to share that the child was created out of love, purpose, and will be treasured each day.
I hope someone with a similar experience to us posts a response.
I’d love to hear from someone with a 4-6 yr old who may be asking questions.
You’re not alone @jks12345.
I'm 42 and thinking about being a single mother. I wonder about how my child will feel as well. I really hope other people reply. I have and know several people that come from a single parent family and they seemed okay. but feedback and experiences from others would be appreciated.
thank you
I'm wondering the same thing. My son will be turning 3 soon and he knows about their being mommy, daddy, baby brother and sister from watching nursery rhymes and books. He pointed at a daddy in a book the other day and looked at me kinda like where is he??? but couldn't quite ask me yet. He is going to ask me soon and I don't know what to tell him. My heart kinda breaks seeing that but he is loved dearly by his mommy and grandparents has a younger brother and sister. Help! I still don't know how I'm going to tell him.
I can say he's just not here right no w. I'm hoping i can find a good guy down the road that will act as a father figure. I don't regret anything but am just sad about it for him.
Hi Ladies,
I'm not sure if you're familiar with the organization Choice Moms, but it's a great resource for single women who are pursuing parenthood. I've worked with the founder, Mikki Morisette, who created her organization to provide a supportive community and educational resources for women choosing to start families on their own.
She has a whole section on her website dedicated to talking to your child about donor conception: http://www.choicemoms.org/category/telling-and-talking/
Over the years, we've also compiled a list of books that clients have recommended regarding donor insemination. There are some books on this list that are geared to talking to your child about how they were conceived: https://cryobank.com/learning-center/bookstore-listings/
We also have a secret Facebook group that you can join that includes women just starting the process, as well as moms with children: https://www.facebook.com/groups/212709342087079/
I hope this helps!
Regards,
Nicole
California Cryobank
I tried to follow the link to the Facebook group but it stated unavailable. Do you have another link?
Hi, I’m a single, 38 years old woman and just did my first IUI treatment today. Fingers crossed. I also struggled with the thought of the child not having a father and how they would feel about being a “donor” baby. I did a lot of research online. Most negative experiences I came across from the perspective of the child involved families that kept the donor status secret until the child was older and then it was a surprise to the kid at some point when they were a teenager or adult which then caused an identity crisis for the child. After reading this I decided that I am going to be completely open with my child about how and why I chose to bring him/her into this world. It was important to me to choose a donor that was open to contact after the child turns 18 and I chose a donor that was willing to provide adult photos. Being able to give my child a picture of what this man is like was one of the most important factors for me because this was all the information my child would have until he/she turns 18 and maybe forever. I’m going to make a book for my child About how they got here and I will read it to him/her from day 1. As they get older I will add more details that are age appropriate but it will never be a secret. As my child reaches school age we will decide how and what we tell others as I know other kids can be cruel. But I’m not too worried about this as there are so many single parents out there today I don’t think it will be as strange or unique as I’m currently making it out to be. But my family and friends will all know the truth. It won’t be taboo to talk about in our household. I feel like that is the key to making sure this child has a strong sense of self and self-confidence. No matter what anyone else says we are who we are and he/she will be loved and cared for.
I also read several articles about how children of older single mothers by choice end up being well adjusted and thrive academically and socially. The theory behind this is that older single mothers by choice are more financially stable and prepared for the challenges of bringing up children. Whereas younger single mothers tended to become pregnant by accident and were not prepared to bring up a child financially or otherwise. So the statistics on crime, drugs and drop out rates on children of single parents don’t necessarily apply to our situation. You have prepared for 40 years for this. There will be challenges and struggles but you got this. It’s all about how you choose to raise your child. Don’t let everyone else’s opinions scare you into changing your mind. That child will love you.
A podcast I listen to, If These Ovaries Could Talk, did an episode this week with a SMBC who talks about the experiences she's had and the questions her son's asked about his "Dad", it may be of help to you! https://www.ovariestalk.com/ the episode is called "Why don't I have a dad?"
@snglmombychoiceover40
I'm sorry that the link didn't work. I know that in the past you had to friend an admin of the group on FB and then we can send you an invite. I thought it might have been updated so that you could click on the link and request an invite.
My FB name is Nicole Marie and you may be able to find me by my email: nicole@cryobank.com (I use the same avatar on FB that I use on this Bulletin Board.)
Please don't hesitate to email me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Nicole
California Cryobank
33yo SMBC getting ready to start IUI in the next year or so - YES! This was on my mind so much as I came to this parenthood choice. It was really important to me to choose an open ID donor for exactly this reason; and also to make contact with other moms who have used the same donor to feel out if they are open to half-siblings having relationships and contact with each other. Not a perfect solution, but at least gives future kiddos transparency and some grounding in the other half of their identity, even if "Dad" is not in the house. Best wishes! ❤
I am a single 37 year old who started the process. The doctor found polyps in my uterus so I am having them
Removed than hopefully in January I will have my first IUI. I often think am I being selfish by wanting to bring a baby into the world without a father? But then I think I have an amazingly supportive family. And the love that I have to give to my child takes away any worry of my child missing out on not having two parents. And the fact that we single woman are taking this journey to conceive shows that we have a love like no other for the children we have. Because this is a tough journey!
There is a children's book called "For Mommy So Loved You:IVF Conception" by Leigh James you can get it on Amazon. Might be a good book to read to your little ones about single moms and babies conceived via IVF or IUI.
My now 3 year-old twins have asked (I assume because they see other kids' dads at daycare) and I've simply told them that they don't have one but they have a loving grandmother living with them, which other kids don't have and a close extended family. I also try to expose them to age appropriate TV shows that show different types of families. Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood is one of their favorite and it shows different kinds of family units, which I try to point out. Also, I try to keep the answers as simple as possible: before them being born, I drove myself crazy thinking about what my answer would be when they finally would ask. In the end, I had to calm myself down and realize that at 3, they're not looking for the deep comprehension of how they came to be, they're just pointing out their observations.
I know this is late to the game, but I grew up without a father. My mom was a single mom with 3 of us kiddos. Obviously the times were different then, and she was with my dad until I was 1 year. I do not remember a single thing about him, and I don't have "daddy issues" or think any less. For father's day growing up we would always celebrate my mom. When we were little and the school would do father's day activities my grandpa would come with us or my mom. Sometimes a close male family friend would step in if my grandpa wasnt able to and we wanted that. Growing up I never felt bad or left out. It wasn't until I was a fully grown that I realized it would be considered missing out! I knew my friends had dads, but My mom gave us so much love and all our needs were met that I never had any negative feelings to not having a father. I am choosing now to go down the path of being a single mom by choice (I too am tired of waiting for the right man, so I am going to have a family and if I meet Mr. Right, he won't mind I have a pre-started family). I hope this helps ease some nerves. Kids "just" need to feel secure and loved.
Thank you! I never found mister right so at 40 I decided to have a baby on my own. I’ve often wondered if my child will resent me for bringing them into the world without a father. Reading this made me feel better about my decision.
It gave my mother and I a bond like no other. If I had the option I would still chose to have only her